Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I don't know if my friend is needy and manipulative or I'm being neglectful...

13 replies

BettyBlue74 · 28/03/2025 07:01

Hi there!...just wanting to get a bit of perspective...I have a friend who had quite a traumatic childhood, has been medicated for anxiety (and is slowly tapering off - under the care of a doctor).

She tends to talk alot about work, I hear the in's and out's, listened to taped convo's between her and her boss when her performance at work was under scrutiny (I'm annoyed I let that happen - there is no context), read printed out emails (from work) to scrutinise over - (I told her not to do that again - but this was before the taped convo).

There have been times when I needed to talk - especially one evening but the response I got was 'we are not talking about this all night' and another convo about my workplace was shut down pretty quickly again. To be fair, she has listened to me on occasions but I really needed to talk about this issue.

She was having a rough time (apparently) with coming off the meds, and she sent me this bizarre passive aggressive text (she has done this a few times) saying she anxious, angry, tired (all the emotions - similar to PMS). I think it was having a go at me for not checking in on her - (well that's how I interpreted it) but she seemed okay at my birthday, her birthday etc. This also happened when she became unwell with an infection a couple of months ago. She also had a go at me for my texts not being long enough.

I probably should of checked up with her...but I'm not her only friend. I'm currently looking for work and I have a dear friend of mine who has terminal cancer - that has been on my mind - and she is aware of this. have shown up in many ways such as listening, having her stay with me for an extended period, helped out financially (which I volunteered to do) and taken her with me on two trips (again my idea). She got drunk on one trip and it was nightmare trying to find her (she took off) - she also insisted on having a say on the hotel we were staying at despite the fact I was paying. She was also quite rude on this trip and then sent me another text saying her other friend (on same trip was 'alot of fun'. Okay. There have been other incidents where she has come across as entitled and had strange ideas on my upbringing believing my parents were 'wealthier' than I led on - just based on me going to a top private catholic girls school (well it is now...wasn't then). She is insistent on this - and it's tough time to explain to her that the stars were seriously aligned to send me there - that's the only thing my parents really spent money on - no overseas trips, driving everywhere - but she doesn't seem convinced. She also dismissed that fact that I was in love with someone because I hadn't slept with them. WTF.

The list goes on. It's a shame, because she has at times pointed out things I think have made me grow as a person, and the kind of honesty I don't get in other friendships - I have told her personal things and it was judgement free - but then again she slags off her other friends and I suspect she does to me.

Am I being unreasonable - i.e if I stop being friends with her I'm worried about her anxiety flaring up again etc but if I tell her to behave herself she will only do that to get what she wants and her behaviour will start up again. I don't know.

Thanks.

OP posts:
loveawineloveacrisp · 28/03/2025 07:04

She sounds way too needy and self centred to me.

WonderingWanda · 28/03/2025 07:05

She sounds incredibly hard work and wants to use you as some sort of therapy but offers nothing back. Ditch her. You don't need to worry about her anxiety, she's an adult under the care of a Dr. If she starts sending you guilt trip messages then you know that she is actually manipulative and you've dodged a bullet.

Gundogday · 28/03/2025 07:06

She’s needy and self-centred. Friendships should be two way and for her it’s ’me, me, me’.

Also, her anxiety is not your problem but her responsibility. Refer her to her gp, organisations etc and say they’re more qualified than you to help. It’s quite typical of people to guilt trip others into making their problems yours.

TheSandgroper · 28/03/2025 07:10

She sounds like someone who treats you as her emotional petty cash box. You can lock the box any time you like.

If you don’t want to ghost her then at least start quietly organising yourself. If she rings, allow her a certain amount of time then say “I have clothes to hang out “ or something.

Don’t be afraid to call her out. “Yes, you have already said “ or even “I will not be a party to what you are wanting to share with me.” Just be prepared for the tantrum and keep your eyes on the prize that you have decided upon.

Thisbastardcomputer · 28/03/2025 07:11

Friendship is a two way street not a job, drop her and block her.

WhatNoRaisins · 28/03/2025 07:12

It all sounds a bit one sided.

loveforautumn · 28/03/2025 07:12

She definitely sounds needy. I had a friend that I saw a few times a week but the conversation everytime was what was going on in her life, what troubles she was having etc. She never once asked me how I was or anything. I got.fed up in the end and stopped seeing her, we still message occasionally but never see eachother. Maybe slowly stop seeing/messaging her if your worried about how she'll react?

FortyElephants · 28/03/2025 07:14

That's not a friendship I would want.

Littleredshoesdotcom · 28/03/2025 07:17

Friendships should always be a positive in life.

SoChangethenameagain · 28/03/2025 07:18

It doesn't sound much like a friendship.

It sounds as though she regards you as her personal crutch and verbal punchbag.

It's just so one sided and I think frankly you have put up with a tremendous amount from her. Most people would have given up on her a long time ago.

It definitely sounds time for you to think of yourself.

She has other friends so it's not as if you are abandoning her to loneliness if you withdraw your friendship.

BettyBlue74 · 28/03/2025 07:20

Yeah...I just feel a bit guilty for not checking up on her when she was unwell - I tend to live in my head a bit...but the thing is I have seriously shown up for her in other ways - not checking up on her is my downfall!

OP posts:
BusyMum47 · 28/03/2025 07:23

@BettyBlue74

Good God, she sounds awful! What exactly are you getting from this friendship? It sounds massively 1-sided! I'd cut her off, walk away & not feel in the least bit guilty!! Seriously!!

Eldermilleniallyogii · 28/03/2025 07:26

If you feel like she's not being a good friend she's probably not being a good friend. If she makes you feel used or you don't enjoy her company or she's hard work then that's what it is. It sounds like she needs a lot of attention.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page