Was this rude or am I over sensitive?

[BikingBadger]

Recently joined a new, small team at work. We're spread over 4 different locations and get together every month in person. Last time, I heard that 3 women (2 in equivalent jobs to me, and one at a grade below) in our team meet up at an office on a fairly regular basis but haven't invited me to join them. The junior team member joined about the same time as me but seems to have been taken under the wing of the others, whereas I've been very much left alone and not well supported to integrate into the team (along with another jr team member). I'm quite upset not to have been asked but perhaps I'm being over sensitive?

Maybe suggest a coffee with one of them some time? Perhaps they will say "sorry, I have plans with X and Y that day" or perhaps they will say "oh, that would be nice, perhaps X and Y can join us because I'm supposed to be seeing the that day anyway." Either way, you'll know if you are being sensitive or if they are leaving you out.

why not invite them out for a drink with you? You don’t need to wait to be invited

Are they closer to the office? Is the junior member needing more training or support?

They're each based at a different office in different cities, so have to arrange travel, book desks etc. The jr member will need more support but not from both of the others.

Is this the entire team? Or all of the women in the team, or everyone in your equivalent jobs?

If not I think it's perfectly reasonable to talk to a manager or one of your coworkers about opportunities to better integrate into the team, and if there's a specific function of these three women's meetings that you think would be helpful for you to join then I would consider asking if that's ok. But otherwise I'm not sure why this feels hurtful or like you're being left out.

It's all the other women in the team and everyone in equivalent jobs. There is a male team leader and another (male) jr who aren't invited either, even though the Jr is also new in post and is line managed by one of the women. So it's not just me being excluded but it still feels a bit off.

I'm not quite clear on what they're doing. Are you saying they're arranging to have extra meetings in one of the offices, on top of your monthly full-team meetings, or that they arrange to meet one another socially out of work time?

You are way over thinking this...
What you are describing is 2 coworkers who get along and probably have become friends, and therefore like to meet more regularly than required.
As you said yourself, one of them invited their direct report - because they are new!

None of this has anything to do with you.

I imagine the two colleagues like to have a regular day they work together/ chat etc. They've included the new female junior member of staff, possibly at the instigation of your manager. Perhaps they didn't even want to include the new junior member of staff but have been told they must.

They're meeting every week or 2 at an office to work, it's not an outside of work social meeting.

They haven't invited the other new direct report either, though. It just seems a bit cliquey to me, but perhaps I am over thinking it.

I'm pretty sure that the manager hasn't been involved or he'd have wanted the other new jr to be included. I get that they may just want to work together but seems a bit rude not to ask the whole team, especially newer members, when theres only a few of us. (There's no danger of the manager turning up even if invited). If it was a social, after-work thing I wouldn't be put out but it just seems a bit off. I've always been lucky enough to work in really friendly inclusive teams before so this is a bit of a surprise.

They likely haven't even thought about it like that. A lot of people just "stay in their lane" at work, especially when mostly working remotely, and wouldn't consider whether they should be making new staff feel welcome. I'm sure it's not personal.

Honestly, you are overthinking this. Next time you meet up, just say that you’ve heard some of them arrange to work in the same office from time to time. That sounds like a great idea and could someone let you know when/where so you can try to make it too.

Recently joined a new, small team at work. We're spread over 4 different locations and get together every month in person.

It sounds like this set up does not suit you, if you are the type of person to be bothered by colleagues being cliquey, or if you feel the need to 'make friends' at work.
I never concern myself with the relationships and friendships that colleagues have with each other. I am only concerned with us all getting the job done.

It does seem like I'm taking it too personally, I guess I've been spoiled by previous teams where everyone has actively tried to foster an inclusive environment.

I guess I've been spoiled by previous teams where everyone has actively tried to foster an inclusive environment.

So now you're not just being over sensitive, you're being passive aggressive about it too.

This is not a case of them not being "inclusive." Inclusive does not mean inviting absolutely everybody. That way madness lies.
It's ok for people to be friendlier with some colleagues than others; and getting annoyed about it only serves to upset you.

You've said yourself that you aren't the only one not going along to these office meet-ups. But if I've read this correctly, you've created some arbitrary rule in your own head that you should have been invited as you're a woman and the others who don't join in are men.

They haven't done anything wrong. Let them meet up in the office. It doesn't affect you and not should it. Just to get on with the job instead, without worrying about what other people do.

Gently I think yabu. It’s not like they are excluding 1/2 people. It’s just that they aren’t inviting everyone.

Genuinely not being passive aggressive - my previous teams would go out their way to make sure everyone felt included (which is surely what inclusively means?) and the offer would be extended with the understanding that not everyone would want to participate.
You're right, it doesn't directly affect me if they want to meet up more frequently but doesn't help build a positive collaborative environment either. And I do feel bad for the other new start who's also been excluded by his line manager. Anyway, I'll stop being so over sensitive 😄

Thanks, yeah I'm coming to that conclusion, it's just very different from previous dynamics.

Cliquey?

i'm friends with two colleagues in particular. We used to work more closely with each other but a combination of a change in roles/working days means that we no longer have the chance to meet up during the day. So, for the past 6 months, we've been going to the pub once a week after work for an hour or so.

We haven't actively excluded anyone. But we haven't issued an open invitation either. We've invited one other colleague who comes when she can.

Are we a clique? Or just friends who met at work?

The colleague who comes occasionally holidays with a couple of other women. Thinking about it, there are several people who holiday with each other. Are they cliquey? They all met through work. They could all issue an open invitation and put it on the staff noticeboard. But they don't. And why should they?

But that's completely different, I'm not talking about any social activities which go on outside of work. That's not my concern and it would be ridiculous to suggest inviting the whole office on holiday! 😆