Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to spend time with friends partner

22 replies

MayasJam · 27/03/2025 21:17

I’ve never liked him but have been friendly up to now because my friend has seemed happy with him.

She came to stay with me for a few days recently because they’d had a falling out, now made up and she expects to go back to how things were before.

I have been avoiding spending any time with him, friend is now saying I’m making things awkward for her. I know I’m not being unreasonable for not wanting to spend time with him. I’ve seen my friend so upset by his actions. But AIBU to not try to make an effort for her?

To not drip feed reason for disagreement between them - he is a social drug user, they are TTC, she had him to not take drugs during this time, he has continued to use on nights out.

OP posts:
JLou08 · 27/03/2025 21:56

Just support your friend. Surely you can manage a bit of time with someone you don't like. If he had been abusive towards you that would be different but you making it awkward for your friend when she has chosen to move on from the fall out with her partner isn't fair.

SoChangethenameagain · 27/03/2025 22:28

I certainly wouldnt want to spend time with a drug user.

I don't understand why you need to see her partner. It's her who is your friend so surely you can arrange to meet and spend time with her independent of him?

She is the one that is bring unreasonable trying to have a child with a junkie.

LeaveTaking · 27/03/2025 22:30

I would be supporting her to see the issue with TTC with a frequent drug user.

outerspacepotato · 27/03/2025 22:44

She's in an unstable relationship and trying to have a baby with someone who's actively using illegal drugs and can't or won't stop.

I'd end this friendship. I grew up with addicts in the family and because of that, I'm very self protective. Life with an active addict is hell. Your friend is choosing that and trying to bring an innocent vulnerable baby into that along with her.

CarpetKnees · 27/03/2025 22:54

SoChangethenameagain · 27/03/2025 22:28

I certainly wouldnt want to spend time with a drug user.

I don't understand why you need to see her partner. It's her who is your friend so surely you can arrange to meet and spend time with her independent of him?

She is the one that is bring unreasonable trying to have a child with a junkie.

Edited

This.

toomuchfaff · 28/03/2025 11:24

LeaveTaking · 27/03/2025 22:30

I would be supporting her to see the issue with TTC with a frequent drug user.

Is she that desperate for kids she thinks a man exhibiting this kind of behaviour while TTC is going to be a fabulous father and partner?

Does she realise how hard it is to bring up a child as a single mum?

Support her by sticking to your guns and keeping away from this guy, encourage her to do the same.

toomuchfaff · 28/03/2025 11:28

JLou08 · 27/03/2025 21:56

Just support your friend. Surely you can manage a bit of time with someone you don't like. If he had been abusive towards you that would be different but you making it awkward for your friend when she has chosen to move on from the fall out with her partner isn't fair.

Are you serious? Your bar is low. What constitutes bad behaviour for you?

Continuing Drug use while TTC isn't bad enough for you to say LTB?

What is?

Blackcountrychik83 · 28/03/2025 11:37

I can’t imagine a friendship where we have to spend time with one sides partner , unless your partner is friends with him too and you socialise together . My ex partner couldn’t think of anything worse than to sit listening to us chatting . In the 5 years we were together the only time he saw her was in passing or when I bought her to our caravan for the day but even then he would go off to see his own friends .

This sounds like control and he’s trying to isolate her if you ask me … making sure he knows she isn’t discussing him .

CocklesandMuscles · 28/03/2025 11:38

I don't understand why you'd be spending any time with him anyway. I'm quite fond of my female friends' partners and husbands and wives, but it's fairly rare that I'd spend much time with them, unless we'd developed our own friendship, which in most cases we haven't.

ItGhoul · 28/03/2025 12:10

People who spend ages off-loading about what an arsehole their partner is and how they've been hurt by them, expect you to listen and agree, and then get back with the partner and expect you to act like nothing happened, are the worst.

I had a work friend like this when I was younger. She would regularly have horrendous rows with her partner, who was a horrible, verbally abusive, aggressive bully, would spend two solid days telling me about all the awful things he'd done and how much she hated him, and would then forgive him and bring him along to social events and expect everyone to act like they loved him. She was really pissed off when her friends and family weren't enthusiastic about their engagement, despite the fact that she'd been telling them all for three years what an awful man he was.

Lavender14 · 28/03/2025 12:20

Sorry op but I think yabu. You're centering yourself in their relationship issues. I understand why and i also would have issue with his behaviour but ultimately this is between him and your friend and your only job in this is to support her in the way she needs you to. If you refuse to deal with him and continue to make things difficult for her then you could end up putting her in a position where she becomes isolated from you which is the last thing you want to do when someone is in an unstable relationship. She needs to know she can come and talk to you about anything and that you'll have her back which also means not betraying her confidence by showing a change in behaviour towards him. By suddenly being cold etc to him you're telling him she's been talking badly about him to you.

Obviously they have serious issues to resolve but bigger than that if she's ttc with someone who's this unstable and struggling with addiction she needs to really reflect on that and for you to be in a position to tell her some home truths in a way she can hear them she needs to know you have her back no matter what.

I'd be making effort with him as normal and then I'd be quietly telling her you love her but this is not the man to have a baby with and you're worried about her. I'd be reminding her that his behaviour could mean ss become involved and if she were to pick him over a baby she could lose her child so she needs to seriously think about whether this is a relationship to continue with. I'd remind her that if she has a baby with him and his drug use escalates and they separate, that's who would have her child alone half the week and how safe would her child be.

How old is your friend op?

Livpool · 28/03/2025 12:53

I blame your friend for dragging you into their issues - people who did this are foolish as they often make up and then you are expected to be fine with their partner after you have been trashing them!

LlynTegid · 28/03/2025 12:56

I wonder if you should be friends with someone who has a partner who by his actions is happy to condone murders in Mexico and those of teenage boys nearer to home.

Maray1967 · 28/03/2025 12:58

SoChangethenameagain · 27/03/2025 22:28

I certainly wouldnt want to spend time with a drug user.

I don't understand why you need to see her partner. It's her who is your friend so surely you can arrange to meet and spend time with her independent of him?

She is the one that is bring unreasonable trying to have a child with a junkie.

Edited

This. Tell her that, loudly and clearly.

Rewis · 28/03/2025 12:58

How often do you need to spend time with him? I'm trying to think when is the last time I spend time with friends partner.

JLou08 · 28/03/2025 17:29

toomuchfaff · 28/03/2025 11:28

Are you serious? Your bar is low. What constitutes bad behaviour for you?

Continuing Drug use while TTC isn't bad enough for you to say LTB?

What is?

Show quote history

It's not about the relationship between the friend and her partner. It's about the friendship between OP and friend. Her friend is already in a shit position, why make things more difficult for her?

Valeriekat · 28/03/2025 19:30

JLou08 · 27/03/2025 21:56

Just support your friend. Surely you can manage a bit of time with someone you don't like. If he had been abusive towards you that would be different but you making it awkward for your friend when she has chosen to move on from the fall out with her partner isn't fair.

Why do you think this?

CharSiu · 28/03/2025 19:37

I have pulled away from a friendship because their partners is obnoxious. I haven’t ended it just don’t see them so much.

A drug user? As harsh as it is hopefully she won’t get pregnant with such a loser.

Createausername1970 · 28/03/2025 19:37

I don't spend any time with my friends' partners. Or they with mine. Maybe that's because we are older? Is it a thing that the younger generation does?

I can't see why you not wanting to spend much time with him should jeopardise your friendship, but by the sound of it, it's not going to be a very long lasting relationship, so she might need some support at some point.

JLou08 · 28/03/2025 19:38

Valeriekat · 28/03/2025 19:30

Why do you think this?

Show quote history

Because I care about my friends and wouldn't make life more difficult for them when they are already in a shit situation

outerspacepotato · 28/03/2025 23:28

JLou08 · 28/03/2025 19:38

Because I care about my friends and wouldn't make life more difficult for them when they are already in a shit situation

Show quote history

When they're actively trying to make things even worse for themselves and try to bring an innocent child into toxicity, then support can become enabling.

AmandaHoldensLips · 28/03/2025 23:58

Christ almighty. A woman TTC with a known drug user. So she's actively choosing to bestow a child with a drug-using father. I mean, what the fuck? That's an unforgivable thing to deliberately do to a potential child.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page