Bullying - perspective needed

[Timetheworldsaysicantafford]

My daughter has never had the easiest time with friendships but things have really taken a turn for the worse... She is in year 4. Her previous group of friends have turned on her. Ignoring, running away, and said some spiteful things. She has struggled with this hugely - anxious, sad, worried. And finding it hard to spend time with other friends. We've spoken with school but need to decide (with the teacher) what course of action. The teacher speaking to these girls is the right thing I know but I cannot shake how much worse this will no doubt make things for my daughter. We know the parents a little but I cannot imagine broaching it with them. There doesn't seem any way forward, or outcome that will be positive or won't make things worse. Really upset over this...**

Hey - so sorry your DD is going through this. If the school are good at dealing with these kinds of situations they will make sure the nasty behaviour stops.

It sounds like (with good reason ) you’re all of the emotions you described your daughter as having. Anxious, worried etc. Try and stay calm and think of this as an unfortunate but inevitable part of being a kid.

I’m a senior leader in a primary school and the children (mostly girls) are constantly falling out, making friends again, leaving someone out etc. It’s the school’s job to teach them to be kinder and navigate friendships and the parent's job to help them see that these types of friendship issues (however big they feel at the time) usually aren’t permanent.

Hope everything gets better for her x

Thank you- that's helpful advice. Any reassurance is so needed right now. It's so sad how common this seems to be :(

I have twice spoken to other parents when something was going on between my child and their friendship group. The other parent has always been receptive and had a word with their child. I've never gone in all guns blazing with "your child is doing X", I've always phrased it as "Has your child said anything about my child recently? My child said they had fallen out, but wouldn't say why and I just wondered if you knew anything about it or if your child had spoken to you about it?" This then gives them the opportunity to ask their child "are you getting on with Time Jnr?" without any blame or expectation and you can hopefully get to the bottom of the behaviour.

Have the school had to be involved too, or did it get resolved just speaking to parents?

Don’t speak to the parents. The school needs to deal with this.

I have resolved things by talking to parents (unless it's bullying, then school needs to be involved). Like if my ds felt left out I would just say to one of the mum's that my ds is sad because he's left out, do you think James could help him out by talking to the others to include him? Even if James was the one excluding him to start with this worked because James was made to feel "Nice and important" by "helping" ds feel included. And mum was proud of her son none the wiser that he was the cause so she didn't go into defensive mode neither did James. And I thanked both of them and it was settled. If you know one of the "lead girls" try to do the same.

I did speak to the teacher also, just to make sure she knew what was going on ("X isn't wanting to come in to school at the moment because this is going on") and the teacher then covered the issues in their PSHE lessons so it didn't look like anyone was being singled out and told off and it didn't look like my child had been "grassing" on anyone. It was very sensitively handled by the teacher.

I am saving this advise for future reference, thank you!💪

Can you encourage her to walk away / pursue other friendships? Once a girl is lesser in the group if she stays around for further kicking it can’t improve.

Dh always taught ours to walk away if someone is mean to you more than once. I used to think he was too black and white but actually think it’s spot on. I’m unconvinced parents have much sway as they think they do.

Dd2 used to hang out with the gentler boys or read in the library at this age as she was unlucky with the girls in her year. Now she’s 16 she has an epic social life and legions of gorgeous friends so it doesn’t necessarily follow that issues will continue.

I wouldn’t speak to other parents.

I’ve done this previously for problems in primary school and it really didn’t go well. I found out that although people may seem decent and approachable, they really don’t like being told their little Johnny isn’t being very nice. Even if said in the nicest possible way.

i would just let the school deal with it.

I would leave it to the school. They will perhaps have seen various sides of the falling out and are best to try and resolve any issues as they are neutral. My daughter is the same age and seems to have friendship issues. Her group keeps changing and she finds herself in groups of 3 which means someone always ends up left out which leads to tears and complaints someone is being mean. I definitely wouldn't say anything to the parents, unless I knew them really well and knew it could be seen as all girls being difficult and not feeling like I was against their child or them against mine.