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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be angry that my exes wife is Involving my 18 year old daughter in their marital problems ?

7 replies

JustSamantha · 27/03/2025 16:50

So as the title says… my exes wife has been texting my 18 year old daughter about all the marital problems her and her dad are having and telling my daughter her dad packed his bags last week and left her and their boys. And putting all this on my 18 year old. She also told my daughter she’s pregnant again and that she could be losing it and she’s also been asking my daughter whether I’ve got a new partner her and asking why I’ve not met anyone else yet as it ‘might help’
i can’t stand the fact she’s asking about my private life
He was abusive to me and cheated on me with her after a long marriage. She told my daughter not to tell her dad she’s been messaging my daughter and she’s also said don’t tell your mum either. My daughter has had to carry this burden and his wife has made my daughter feel very disappointed in her own dad and made her worry for her siblings she’s got by her dad as she went through her dad leaving
my 18 year old suffers badly with her mental health it’s affected her college course and I attend meetings with the college about her work yet this woman had now burdened her with more stuff
and then today she text my daughter saying her and her dad are back on track now and he’s looking after her but last week he was apparently being ‘cruel’

i feel like she just uses my daughter for info.

my daughter told as she feels like that wife is just lying and making up stories for attention and it’s bothering her but she’s too scared to tell her dad

i want to tell them myself to keep my daughter out of their problems and to keep my name and relationship status out of her mouth but not sure whether that’s a right thing to do

OP posts:
Sassybooklover · 27/03/2025 17:08

Completely out of order, for the wife to be using your daughter in this way. Are you in contact with your ex? If he was abusive during your marriage, then I guess now your daughter is 18, you don't need to communicate? I would suggest telling him what his wife has said, and leave the ball in his court. However, given that he is abusive, then I would message his wife using your daughter's phone - This is X's Mum. Please stop messaging my daughter regarding your marriage problems. Please also stop asking her questions regarding my relationship status, it's no one else's business. You are causing my daughter stress, your marriage issues is not a burden she should be carrying and neither is being told to keep secrets from myself and her Dad. Your daughter is clearly suffering carrying her step-Mum's emotional baggage, and she needs to stop using your daughter as an emotional sounding board.

KittenCatKitteryCatcat · 27/03/2025 17:10

I would do anything I can to protect my child from this abuse.
Record, file, scan and take pictures and speak up.
Sorry for you both, it sounds like a hellish situation to be in. Hope you are able to end it soon, at least for yourselves.

PickyTits · 27/03/2025 17:41

I think you should help your daughter write up a message to the woman but not sent it yourself. Your daughter is an adult and it will be a good start for her to learn how to navigate these situations and set boundaries.

Something like "Hey X, I know you sometimes need to vent about dad but I feel like I'm not the best person to be going to with it all. Not only does it make me uncomfortable and put me in an awkward situation but I have a lot going on with college right now and really need to focus all my attention on that. Hope you can understand and hope you and dad manage to sort out your problems, love Y"

PickyTits · 27/03/2025 17:42

Oh and come up with some responses she can use for if she starts questioning her about you

"Oh, it's not really my place to speak about that"

"I'm not sure, maybe you could ask Mum?"

"I don't like to discuss Mums private affairs"

Maitri108 · 27/03/2025 17:43

Your daughter is 18 and can block her. If she doesn't want to see her dad because she's afraid of him, that's her decision. I don't know why she's entertaining this woman.

Sometimeswinning · 27/03/2025 18:16

Why so polite? Just block her. An 18 year old without mental health issues is not mature enough to be a sounding board for her dad’s wife.

I would have messaged her already if I’m honest. I’d have probably told her to fuck right off and if she messaged my dd again I’d be round for a face to face chat.

JustSamantha · 27/03/2025 21:23

She also told my daughter that maybe if I met someone new it may help me like how dare she decide what will help me and what wouldn’t
how dare she have an opinion on My love life
ive stayed single due to the trauma of being with him not just that simple to find someone with kids

and last summer he stopped seeing our other kids for 3 months coz I wouldn’t do as I’m told about contact and maintenance and she’s Told our 18 year old that he was happy of the free time and didn’t care that he didn’t see his kids and that the only reason he started to see them again is because she convinced him to and that if she didn’t encourage him he would never have saw them again
she’s so cruel and I’m boiling up inside

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