My mums new husband is a twit. Can I ask her not to ALWAYS bring him with her when she visits?

[padboz]

He's never had kids and he's hopeless with them. He does things like badger my 16 month old to read or count , and when my 2 year old squashed a playdough penguin he'd made her he told her off quite crossly for being 'ungrateful' and refused to make it again when she asked him to. He means well but he just makes every visit she makes awkward. It doesn't help that Dad died and I find it hard to deal with the fact that he didnt meet them and now he's here saying stupid inappropriate things and talking about his sex life with my mother. Every time they come for the weekend he starts getting bored and has started bringing tools to DIY around the house that noone asked him to do. I should be grateful but the implied criticism of the mess is what I notice more than the fact that he turns up with tree stump grinders or calcium deposit remover. He's not horrible but hes a 24 carat prat and I'd like to see a bit less of him. How evil am I?

not evil at all. It's so hard with parents' spuses'. I'd maybe try to organise a few shopping trips with your mum alone to start with and then say that you've really enjoyed having time alone with her again. How close to you does she live? is there anyway of visiting whilst he is at work? It must be hard because he is not your dad, yet he's trying to do dadish type things for you ie, DIY.

What does your 2 year old call him??

MIls' husband is rather boring, although i has helped us alot with DIY etc on many occassions. But i find him hard work - dp doesn't think an awful lot of him either. But we just have to get on with it as he is MIL's husband - and as she has said they come as a "package"!!!! MIL went nuts when we announced that our kids would not be calling him Grandad - she just couldn't get her head around it. But if someone is only abotu 8 years old than my dp, doesn't act like a grandpa then why would we???

Also maybe have a word with your mum to say you don't want him talking that way to your kids - that you'll deal with it

Just try not to get to hung up on it, as it could ruin things with your mum. Just try to have "girlie" days for a bit.

Good luck

Not evil, and it's understandable that you are still smarting from your Dad's death. You will still have to deal with your new step-Dad though, and even though he is acting like a bit of a prat, you're right, he isn't horrible, just a bit clueless. I can remember being quite scared and nervous around children before I had them. Hopefully that will alter as they get a bit older and are more "interactive" and he can understand them a bit better.

Instead of asking your Mum not to bring him, could you organise to see your Mum as a "girl's time out" thing so that you can get some one-on-one time with her? I think that it would be really insulting to ask her to leave him behind.

Shopping isnt really possible - its a 3 day weekend visit every time because of the distance they have to travel. I too put my foot down on the grandad thing but they didnt seem too bothered - this doesn't stop him calling me his step daughter regularly - I'm 33 FFS!

I (and even more so, DP) had similar feelings about my mum's partner. I ended up telling my mum straight up that we'd like to see her on her own sometimes. The reason I gave was that she behaves diffrently when he's around and is always at his beck and call (which is true) - but the truth is it gives us a break from him. At the same time, they've been together a few years now and I like him more these days - he's grown on me.

You could also (if you want to!) hekp to put him at ease by finding a job you do need doing and asking for his help. make him feel useful. And you could speak up about the DC and tell him "x can't count but she would love you to help her with her favourite jigsaw" or whatever. The poor prat is probably in at the deep end and struggling!

snowleopard, lol at the poop prat quote!

I think it would be unreasonable to ask her not to bring him - he is clearly trying to help in a situation which is unfamiliar - he will slowly learn how to behave around the dcs and the diy is probably just trying to help.

But YANBU for wishing your Mum would come on her own.

Has your mum married my dad without me noticing?

My dad is king of the unneccesary/ mildly destructive DIY jobs.

I sympathise but think you have to put up with him.

jasper - he put weedkiller on all my F1 hybrid thorn free blackberry plants thinking they were out of control brambles.

I agree with MrsT - can you not phrase it as "girl time" with your mum or say how you don;t get to chat with her on her own th eway you'd like to...

Gosh... are you me?

I had exactly the same problem (save that my dad is still around, just divorced from my Mum - and I'm really sorry about your loss).

My Mum's new man is a Grade A prat too. He's boring, he's clueless with kids, and last time he came he was really annoyed with my (then) 3 month old for waking up in the night and disturbing his sleep.

Like you, they came for several days at a time because they live far away.

I have resolved it by having a really frank talk with my Mum. I explained that I loved her and was happy that she was with someone she loved but that I really valued the time we spent together just us and didn't always want him to come. He has kids of his own (and grandkids - that my Mum doesn't see!) so I suggested that maybe he could see his grandkids when she sees hers? Has worked a dream. Mum is MUCH more relaxed and we have a fab time now. He does come for the odd day on the way to see his kids but that's tolerable.

She was OK with it as well. She understood and actually I think she enjoys it more too because he isn't there to moan...

Good luck!

IT IS MY DAD!

I bet you are seething about the blackberry plants.

My dad did a similar thing he "pruned" my clematis which was probably about 15 years old, and grew 20 feet up the house and ten feet in every other direction and was COVERED in flowers in spring and always reminded me of bringing home my first baby from hospital at that time of year.

....you know how this ends don't you?

He pruned it back to SIX INCHES FROM THE GROUND and of course killed it.

I love him dearly but he is a liability with any kind of power tool or chemicals.

He creosoted an aged oak door of an outbuilding at my sister's 16th century house...

I planted meadow flowers in the lawn and cut wavy swathes with my lawnmower to demarcate the longer meadow grass.

He strimmed it all off

It's starting to sound a bit Freudian isn't it?

its so tricky isnt it - 3 days is too long. i guess you need to give him jobs to do if poss - he sounds like he is trying to stay out of the way - perhaps your mum has suggested that? or he has asked what he can do to be useful?

if you can try and be grateful that your mum is ok and being looked after - a sad, bored mum is not much fun really

maybe also try to plan to do more things so you aren't all under each others feet eg suggest they go out one evening, or babysit for you?

Thanks everyone I think I'll try the girly chat route and if that fails marshall him into DIY I want doing rather than wanton distructiveness.

if you're anywhere near west london - my lawn needs mowing - send him over.

i am going to regret asking this, i know

but what on earth is a "calcium deposit remover" and why is it necessary?

men like to feel "useful" and men of that age are generally really not very good with kids.
My dad struggles with my DD and she is lovely...I got him to tidy the toolshed and put up hanging rails for the tools. That kept him busy!

You could suggest gently your mum comes without him, but hse is likely to be quite proprietorial if they are recently married...

I feel a bit sorry for him - he is trying, even tho' he is making a right pig's ear of it.

Can you not find him a 'project' to do? Make you a bird table, put some shelves up in the shed, paint a room that no one ever sees?

Then you can have the time alone with your muma nd be really 'grateful' to him.

Really sorry for your loss, it's my Dad's birthday today but he died in 2000, you still miss them, don't you?