To worry about the fact I still can’t attend a soft play or similar without my four year old hitting?

[Threps]

Or kicking or shoving?

I haven’t had any complaints from nursery, and it isn’t all the time but I’d say there’s maybe a one in three chance.

I do worry about it as it sort of feels like this sort of behaviour is normal for younger children but that he should be growing out of it by now. Not sure if it’s normal or not.

Not normal in my experience, it’s more normal in toddlers but I wouldn’t expect a 4 year old to be going around hitting and shoving people

What happens when he does hit /shove ?

When my DS went through this phase I found the most effective approach was to give ONE warning and then take him home as soon as he hit or pushed anyone. I know it's annoying if you've paid for the session and you haven't been there long, but it was the only thing that worked.

So I think this is a way of asking what the consequences are and I’ve tried a few ways I’ve read about, none of which have worked (evidently.) As a result we mostly don’t go, but he’s absolutely fine at birthday parties (often at soft play) or at nursery or other large groups. I do try to get to the bottom of it; obviously he shouldn’t be hitting end of but equally it makes more sense if another child is hitting him first. But I never get much sense in response.

If nursery don't have any complains then I'd look at if its situational.
What is happening when he does it? Does another child get into his space, do they try to interact with him first? Is he doing it to you other other children? Younger or older children?

If he is literally only doing it at softplay I would just not take him there for at least 6 months. He obviously finds something about it overwhelming. If it was something essential or vital to his development my advice would be different, but he surely can just not go to softplay? Is the issue that he has siblings who would want to go?

Are you going round the soft play with him?

My son has had his phase, though a little younger (hopefully ok the way out the other side) before I could let him in small soft plays on his own with me watching from the sidelines.

Since this started I only take him to soft plays in the week where I can clamber round it with him and I have eyes on him, so I can step in before he pushes

I ask because by avoiding he’s not learning the consequences of behaviour? He won’t understand he won’t go because he hit last time, but he would understand that if you packed up and left as soon as he hit ?

It's not normal at that age but not highly unusual either. It's interesting that he doesn't do it at home or nursery but only at soft play so it's something that triggers him. The children are not familiar, it is noisier and more stimulating. It could be a sensory issue for him. That said at 4 he is old enough to control his impulses to some extent, and you'll need to take a very firm approach. Time out and an immediate consequence. Maybe a reward chart for having gentle hands, something you establish beforehand and then you could take away rewards, but it would have to be visual and immediate. Taking regular breaks might help, if you could get him away every 15 minutes and do a wall push or something to regulate him.

Look up sensory seeking behaviour and tips. There is lots online. My Ds was like this and went on to be diagnosed with Adhd. It was an overstimulation thing. My friends boy was similar, arguably worse and she had to just avoid in the end, her DS is the nicest calmest teenager and never diagnosed with anything, so it's not necessarily something serious long term.

I'd say a 4 year old is perfectly capable of understanding that they can't go because they can't be trusted not to hit people.

As much as I can @PeonyBlushSuede . But I have another child. So I can’t always be with them at the same time. I guess I just wish I could understand it. I do worry about it affecting friendships but he seems fine.

Thanks @Dontlletmedownbruce . I do wonder if it’s kicking where he pushes his feet against something. He does do this a lot at home, either to a person or an object. Then I wonder if it’s a way of hurting smaller children as his sister is quite demanding.

If it is only at soft play, then stop going.

He's fine at nursery, at birthday parties and at home = soft play is overwhelming them for some reason.

If it’s just at soft play then just don’t go. If you have another child so you can’t supervise him then it’s not safe and it’s something you can’t do.

It’s so hard. I see other mums sitting with a coffee having a chat, while I am clambering round.

I only have one so I appreciate it’s a bit easier for me to follow and spot his triggers before they happen. For my son he has a speech delay and doesn’t like it when kids get too in his space - but he struggles to communicate that so a push is quicker.

By the way I am not justifying or excusing his behaviour, we are still teaching him it is wrong. But understanding where it comes from in his child mind does help