To think this timing is the worst?

[cadburyegg]

My exh and I separated just over 4 years ago. Not long after my dad died on my now exh’s birthday. It was probably the worst period of my life and it was just totally shit timing. Every year I have to take my kids shopping for their dad’s birthday cards and presents whilst being reminded of the anniversary of my own dad’s death. He was in a care home with advanced Alzheimer’s and I couldn’t visit often due to Covid restrictions. Anniversary/exh’s birthday is this week and it’s a big birthday for my exh. He is coming over tomorrow to see the kids and yet again will have to do the whole happy birthday thing for someone I cannot really stand anymore whilst trying to keep it together about my own dad.

Ugh. No one really gets it, I have no one else in my life who I’m close to who has lost a parent. Just want to vent about how shit it is.

He is your ex for a reason , you don’t have to make a big deal about his birthday . Sorry about your dad xx

Im sorry for your loss op. I guess Id try and view it that the fact that your kids get to celebrate their dads birthday on the date their granddad died makes it better for them in an odd way, it's a celebration of two different events, one happy, one sad, kind of emphasising that life moves on and both births and deaths are part of life. It doesn't help you really, except maybe that you see your kids happy, which Im sure your dad would have liked.

One of my parents died on my birthday so I do understand. Best wishes to you, and sympathies again for the koss of your dad.

You are being a great parent OP. Putting your children's feelings ahead of yours to enable a good relationship with their other parent is commendable and so different to what I usually read on here.

The actual day though is all about you and your dad though. Take care.

Personally I've never really understood the remembrance on a day a person died. Celebrate and remember them on their birthdays instead.

I certainly don't mean to diminish your feelings, but can you try to celebrate his memory, instead of mourning your loss?

That is shit OP and it’s ok for you to vent about it. You’re being a good mum.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I think it is involuntary, rather than a choice. The period leading up to a loss is often very intense, traumatic and memorable. The first year, you see something that reminds you of that time, and can't help but relive it. You think "this time last year I was visiting the hospital" or whatever. You can't help it. It is not a choice to performatively mope.

Why is he coming to you though? Are you able to drop the children to him with their cards/presents and spend the day remembering your father?

Thank you for clarity TeamMandrake. I certainly don't mean to diminish anyone's grieving process. I have lost parents as well.

OP, I am sorry for your loss, please take a quiet few moments in the morning for your thoughts , and then put on a mask of normalcy for the sake of the children until their father picks them up. Sometimes the act of being cheerful can actually make you less sad.

I'm sorry for your loss. You don't have to make any fuss about your ex's birthday, he can take the dc as he usually does. If they are very young they can draw a card, if older they could put a nice photo of them with him in a frame. Could you arrange to have company there before him, and have the girls shoes on and card in hand, ready to go

Do you always spend your birthdays together? Even though you have split? I’d do it this year but starting next year say he can take kids out or have them at his. And use the day to remember your dad

Let this be the last year you do it like this, @cadburyegg.

Next year he takes them out or you drop them at his, then go and do something that honours your Dad’s memory and something that looks after you x

I'm sorry for your loss. Could you buy the cards and presents well in advance so you are not having to do this in the run-up to your dad's anniversary, and then as pp have suggested, have your ex pick the children up and take them for the day so you are free to spend the day as you wish and birthday 'fuss' in your presence will be minimal?

To clarify, I am definitely not deliberately “mourning”. I’m just aware of the dates. I don’t do anything special for dad to remember him.

exh comes over every Thursday to see the kids and his birthday is tomorrow so the kids will give him the presents today.

You don't have to explain yourself. Feeling sad and emotional around the anniversary of your dad's death is perfectly reasonable.