Not wanting a party for my baby’s first Birthday

[HannahXlouise]

Hello, am I being selfish for not wanting a party for my baby’s first birthday.
Growing up I didn’t have birthday party’s every year and it didn’t bother me at all, the thought of having one when he won’t even remember it seems pointless!
I have a very awkward relationship with my in-laws from there own doing, but I have agreed to see them for a couple of hours every couple of weeks, it works for our family but they hate it. Anyway the conversation of his first birthday came up and my partner and myself booked to go on holiday during his birthday week as we didn’t want to do a big family get together for obvious reasons, as I can only just tolerate them for the sake of my partner.
I could tell they were very annoyed that we are going away for his birthday then said they will do a birthday party for themselves (not including anyone from my family) They are the type of family are are very! Materialistic and love putting on ostentatious celebrations all for show. It’s the opposite of what my family does as we preferred for low key celebrations and something that the kids would like. Am I being selfish just not wanting to celebrate with them when we are back from holiday?
Im against sugar before 2 but they also keep trying to sneak him cake and sweet things when I’m not looking too (he’s 8M) any suggestions?
I was chatting to my Mother and she suggested going to a country park or animal park so that they can join if they like but I’m not going to be stuck in a room with them for hours?

No one year old needs a party. I don't really think they need much before 3 or 4. If you have one it's for the family/ to congratulate you for a year of parenting. An outing or a low key cake (you can get healthy ones) at home is perfectly fine.

As a wider issue, unless you really don't trust them around your DC for concrete reasons, why can't your partner just take him around to see them on his own?

They sound nuts.

Do whatever suits you. And how strange they’ll throw a party without you there - how does that work? Just don’t take him?

I mean, it’s your baby, you can ultimately do what you decide, but it does just sound like they want to celebrate their grandchild. Let them do it and just send the baby with your husband and celebrate beforehand in the way you want.

I used to do a “coffee and cake” drop in.

Of course relatives want to celebrate babies birthday - it’s nice that they want to be involved.

Good on you, I am supportive, have a lovely time away.

Please keep this up and don't go over the top for other events as your child gets older.

I agree you don't need a massive party, but why doesn't your partner take the baby to see his parents for a couple of hours without you being there? They could all then celebrate however they wanted and you wouldn't have to endure them.

Your baby your choice!

Meeting up for a picnic in a country park does sound like a good option though, everyone brings a dish kind of affair, bring your own seat.

I don't wanting to celebrate their grandchild turning one makes them 'materialistic'. Maybe they just like a party. My ILs as a clan will throw a party at the drop of a hat.

As regards your dislike of them -- as a pp said, why can't your partner just take the baby to see them periodically?

I have a slightly different point of view from the majority, I think.

What happens on your child's birthday is up to you. And I personally don't see the point in celebrating this year, far too young to understand. May even still be too young next year.

But it would be unreasonable to stand in the way of MIL having a birthday tea on a different day for your child if she wants to. It's not unreasonable that they want to do this, it's nice. I didn't always see eye to eye with my MIL, but I will always be extremely grateful that our adopted child was welcomed with open arms, just as much as the other birth grandchildren were. Whatever she organised only ever included DH family. They didn't know my family. I didn't have an issue with this, and DH didn't have a problem if my family did anything, as this only ever included my family.

You don't have to go if you don't want to, but I wouldn't want my child to be a pawn in any games, so I would suck it up and go gracefully.

Fair enough if you don’t want to throw a party, but it’s a bit mean not to let them throw a little family gathering at their house. I can understand why they wouldn’t invite your side of the family, if you’re not having a party inviting all your child’s family, why should they host your parents and siblings??

Whilst they might seem OTT and materialistic, they sound loving grandparents. You’re lucky to have that. My in-laws couldn’t give a toss.

This.

I've not voted, as no-one is either 'reasonable' nor 'unreasonable' for how they feel.

However it seems a bit churlish to not let them have a little tea party and spend time with their Grandchild around his birthday.

Just because your partner's family might be different from yours, it doesn't make them wrong.

You haven't mentioned how your partner feels about you not allowing his parents to be part of his child's milestones ?

I think it's sad not to have a celebration with family 😕 surely you can tolerate your in laws for some tea and cake and a few balloons, presents and photos? Your baby won't remember it but they will have the photos to look at when they're older. I have photos of my eldest with his great grandparents on his first birthday and they are precious memories of those who are no longer with us.

if they love your son and want to celebrate him I really can’t see the harm. Don’t go if you don’t want to be there. They are his family too and he will treasure the photos when he gets older. Giving a child a sense of belonging and being loved is a huge gift. His grandparents won’t be around forever.

No. Sensible.