To be annoyed at my sister?

[Anon543210]

Hi all so please bear with me as a lot to unpack here.
I had a 13 year old daughter. A few years ago she was diagnosed with a rare genetic condition that is barely known about called nieman pick type c.
Children diagnosed with this condition don't tend to live to adulthood and there is no cure for the condition both parents are carriers of the gene and its only diagnosed through a blood DNA test.
Sadly my daughter passed away on Friday just gone however it was sudden and unexpected and when I got the call (around 7pm) I went straight up to the hospital to see her and say goodbye.
I didn't get back home from the hospital until around 10.30pm at night so my plan was to ring my dad who I'm close to (nc with my mum for over 10 years) in the morning once he had had some sleep as he has been really poorly lately (terminal kidney cancer) my logic was things would not change overnight so let him at least get a good night's sleep before telling him about his granddaughter.
Anyway cut to Saturday morning and he has came round to mine to see how I am, turns out my sister rang him at like 11pm on the Friday night to tell him.
Now me and my sister are very low/nc as we've always had a strained relationship.
I went absolutely ballistic and basically said its not her news to give and I was trying to be considerate to my dad and let him have his rest. I'm still fuming about it now and it's Wednesday I feel like sending her a message because also I have had people message me asking how I am that I haven't even told the news to so obviously she has been telling everyone and their dog. I feel like my world is already crumbling around me and I didn't even get any control over how the news of my beautiful daughters death got out.

So aibu?
Yabu- it's not just your daughter it's your sisters niece

YANBU- It's not her news to tell everyone.

Sorry for your loss. Your sister should have asked you how you wanted to deal with things and acted accordingly, not taken it upon herself to spread the word to whomever she wanted and in whatever order she wanted. I know that there would be an order in which I would have wanted to tell people, making sure certain people heard before others. Sorry that she took that away from you.

I'm not going to vote because there is nothing reasonable or unreasonable when grief is involved. I'm an very sorry for your loss. It's natural that you're upset and angry but I think your anger might be misdirected. 💐

You are not being unreasonable at all. Not het news to share and you had a very good reason for wanting to approach it that way with your dad. I’m really sorry for your loss.

I'm so so sorry OP

I'm so sorry that you've lost your daughter and on top of that your dad isn't well. Your sister was very insensitive and inconsiderate. It's obviously best to avoid disclosing anything personal to her going forward until everyone else has been told first. I hope your coming weeks are filled with love and support.

Oh op I'm so sorry. Being a bereaved parent is truly the hardest thing, but with the most supportive community 💐

Two of my children have died, and I would have felt the same way as you as well.

Your child dying takes away any bit of control you have, it's something so incomprehensible to most people, so you want to have a grasp on something in your life, and your sister has taken away your right to tell your sad news your own way.

I will say that lots of us are so angry at the situation in general when our child died that we find something tangible to be angry about. For me, when my son died, the thing I got angry about was totally unjustified, but it almost made me feel better at that time to be able to direct anger somewhere. When my daughter died the thing I got angry about was justified tbh.

From this outside perspective I would say you have every right to be angry at your sister, and I would seriously consider cutting her right off for this, don't be hasty though, take some time and make the right decision for you.

This path, unfortunately, lasts a lifetime, so there no hurry to work through your feelings and decide anything right away. Take each second one at a time at the moment and focus on getting yourself through the coming days and weeks in the most gentle way possible for you. Everything else can wait 💐

I am so sorry for your loss, and sorry for that fact that, at this difficult time, you’re having to navigate this situation on top of everything else. Your sister shouldn’t have involved herself in telling your father, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that you may well have wanted to speak with him yourself. How did she even know?

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss op

Within my own family it would be totally normal for relatives to call round and inform people. However I don't know your family dynamic. Did you specifically ask her not to tell anyone?

Thanks i didn't tell her the news. My oldest daughter who is 19 and who has her own place so doesn't live with me must have told her coz obviously my oldest daughter needed to know it was her sister but I also have a feeling my sister also put something on social media because I had random old school friends who I haven't heard from in ages messaging me saying how sorry they was and sending condolences. My sister knows I am a very private person and I don't put my private life on social media normally so to do that just feels like a massive betrayal coz I would never do anything like that to her in a million years no matter how strained our relationship is.

So sorry for your loss OP and also about your father. It's completely understandable why you're angry at your sister, it was not her news to share and it's made you feel like she's basically took pleasure in informing everyone about your loss. I think you've got every right to be angry at her and every right to tell her exactly why. Just don't let it spoil your last memories of your daughter's life and loss. Sending you hugs and a handhold 💐

I am so sorry for your loss OP.

I wouldn't even give this any headspace at the minute. Just block her everywhere you can and get someone to send her the message that she needs to remove anything from social media and she isn't welcome at the funeral.

She's treating the heartbreaking loss of your daughter as some sort of gossip and is no doubt harvesting sympathy on social media. Absolutely despicable behaviour, I'd never speak to her again.