Does anyone not celebrate Mother’s Day because they have a narcissistic mother or unhappy childhoods even though you have kids themselves?

[Mamma2355]

Mother’s Day with my mum is performative but now very minimal. She’s from a different culture that does not even celebrate birthdays or Mother’s Day but shes adopted all the western celebrations. She is narcissistic and was abusive to me though it was normal for her generation and culture. I compliantly sent cards until we had a big falling out and I went NC then LC. To be fair she has improved a lot, or at least bites her tongue now so as not to ruin what is left of our relationship. I’m maintaining the relationship now, albeit ata distance, to be kind to her and for the sake of her grandchildren whom she loves very much.

Since then I have sent her messages for Mother’s Day and her birthday but not cards or celebrated it with her or my family in any way. It feels performative and the sentiment doesn’t match up to how I feel as sadly I don’t feel much love for her anymore. But I message her because she would be disproportionately upset if I didn’t acknowledge it and it’s no physical effort from me, even though it’s a bitter reminder every year that she could have been a better mother.

I also have two kids, one who is in the middle of primary and has severe SEN and very delayed in many areas, and the other a baby. This is probably the first year my older DC would comprehend Mother’s Day if I told him about it but I can’t summon the enthusiasm for it. School will definitely make a card for me with him. DH won’t remember in spite of all the reminders around (I’m fine with this) and may or may not send a message to his own mum but his side of the family don’t care at all and are not the type to do cards or presents themselves which is a relief and very refreshing. DH and I do enjoy celebrating birthdays, Easter, Christmas though, especially since having kids.

I guess I feel like Mother’s Day has been poisoned because of the inflated importance my own mother has attached to it.

This is just a middle of the night/early morning brain dump as I’m looking at all the Mother’s Day threads around. Does anyone else feel how I feel?

I guess I feel like Mother’s Day has been poisoned because of the inflated importance my own mother has attached to it.
Looking on mn Mother’s Day has been poisoned by the inflated importance to it full stop!

It was never so stressful as it seems to be now, everyone seems to be expecting the world on Mother’s Day when in reality it should just be about a child getting to have fun making a card and possibly buying their mum some sweets or a paper/ making some breakfast for them if they’re old enough. Definitely talk about it with your dc, but not in a big way, in a ‘so people draw their mammy and write happy mothers day on it’ way!

I think Mother's Day, like a lot of these occasions where we are " supposed to" conform to celebrating something, are very very difficult for a lot of people.
They bring to the surface all the hurt and sadness that are present in a lot of relationships.
I had a difficult relationship with my Mother so I really sympathise with you OP.
You feel how you feel. You have good reason to feel how you feel. I admire you for keeping the relationship with her going for the sake of the grandchildren and that you are showing kindness to her in doing so, despite your own feelings.

I send a card and small token gift (something my DM would want though) but mainly from my DC.

I don’t care if my DC sends me anything.

I just don’t believe it is necessary for adults to indulge. When my DC was young a homemade card and picture was all I needed. My adult DC still makes homemade cards sometimes. I prefer homemade cards to bought ones still.

I am working through many blank cards I have bought over the years and never used. I dislike sentimental cards immensely.

We don't really bother with it. DC might send me a card but they are in primary school so it would be something made there. To me it's a load of nonsense, if I see something which makes me think of a person then I would buy it then, irrelevant of the date. Same with Valentine's Day, it's just a day to be charged more for something!

Yes I understand.

I have a very tricky relationship with my mother who has borderline personality disorder.

She has mellowed but she wants a much closer relationship than I do, because she's fallen out with everyone else in her life.

I feel obliged to be in contact but I'd rather not be.

I send a card and small token gift (something my DM would want though) but mainly from my DC.

Yes, I send a message naming DH and DC as I don’t want it to just be from me. It makes it feel less personal for me.

I am working through many blank cards I have bought over the years and never used. I dislike sentimental cards immensely.

I was so diligent in my teens and 20s looking for cards with the perfect sentimental writing. I find it so embarrassingly uncomfortable now and obviously realise the money-making industry that it is.

Mother’s Day when in reality it should just be about a child getting to have fun making a card and possibly buying their mum some sweets or a paper/ making some breakfast for them if they’re old enough. Definitely talk about it with your dc, but not in a big way, in a ‘so people draw their mammy and write happy mothers day on it’ way!

This sounds like a healthy amount of time and headspace to give it. Thanks.

Look, mother's day, along with other things posited as essential like baby showers, is driven by commercial concerns. Don't overthink it. Buy the tat if you want but remember there's no intrinsic significance , it's extrinsically derived.

I don’t think I’m overthinking - it just makes me reflect on the past. I definitely don’t want tat. I would like to ignore it but I can’t because of my own mother. It’s more that because feel obliged to acknowledge it, it has a negative connotation now even though I have my own children (who are unable to acknowledge it themselves).

I understand OP, I really do. We don't really 'do' Mothers day for similar reasons. I'm NC with my Mum, as is my brother, my only sibling. I'm a single parent - my DC's Dad has never helped them choose a token gift for me. I suspect when we are doing the big shop later this week that DC will add a small present for me, which I'll pay for 😄. I'll cook us a nice roast on Sunday & it's done x

I don’t know how Mother’s Day has got so out of control. Please don’t give it a second thought.

My grandma was born in 1906. She insisted on it being called ‘Mothering Sunday’. The origin was that on the 4th Sunday of lent those in domestic service could visit their mother church (church they were baptized in). Actually nothing to do with mothers at all really apart from the fact that people would have seen them on the day. She would have picked violets or whatever was in the hedgerow for her Mum. My Mum used to do this for her which evolved to a shop bought card and a primrose in a pot for the shop as she got older.

Obviously the tradition has evolved but we still don’t make a massive fuss. Kids make a card and bring me a coffee in bed. Maybe get me a choc bar. I think nod to what your Mum does for you is enough. And if you really don’t want to celebrate it don’t feel you have to.

No, it’s a wonderful day to celebrate that I’ve built a different sort of family life and given my children a different sort of childhoo than I had.

I sounds to me like you are making excuses for being sandwiched between two people who aren’t treating you well enough. Your mum treats you like crap and yet you capitulate to keep the peace instead of putting a boundary in place and not letting her treat you this way. And your Dh who isn’t treating you with enough love and kindness to celebrate what an incredible job you are doing raising two children, one with significant SEN, despite having no healthy role model of a decent mother.

My kids learned what Mother’s Day was from Dh. I’ve always been treated lovely. A nice meal and time for a nap and just everyone (just Dh for the year years saying thank you). You set expectations for how you want to be treated. It sounds to me like you have set the bar low and let yourself be lumped with 2 people in your life you haven’t prioritised you. I’m NC with my mum. She gets a most a passing thought for about 30 seconds. If anything.

Why not say to your Dh that you feel you need to do something special this year? Set the expectations for the sort of day you want to have. Just because you always did it one way, doesn’t mean you always have to. If you must, send your mum a text early and then block so you can enjoy your day with your family.

Snap. I now spend ages looking for cards that aren’t sentimental! I dont think of Mother’s Day as being for me as a mum, it’s for my mum and like you that spoils it. It’s also really near my birthday and it spoils that as well. I will put more thought and effort into celebrating Mother’s Day for her, card , present and taking her out for breakfast, than she will do for my birthday. I know I’m choosing to let it get to me of course.

As a single parent with an abusive ex, parents who were abusive and no longer in contact, I have to try my best not to feel "less than" on days where society deems you have to do certain things. I'm really very happy in my life day to day, but I hate how society/social media allows me to have a little pang of failing somehow on these days.

DM has always expected a big fuss on Mother's Day, card (with nice message otherwise it gets commented on), gift or flowers and after i had moved out, a visit. I hate this obligation as she wasn't a good mum and is selfish. My DC has autism and although understands Mother's Day would only think to do something if someone else arranges it, so I'd rather not bother.

When I hit my 50’s I had an epiphany that I can’t be an emotionally supportive daughter anymore because I feel it is performative and leaves me feeling hollowed out. Nothing ever changes and the issues still stay the same so what’s the point?

Lots of sibling divisions over the years caused by weird family dynamics from the parents have meant we are no longer close which I have made peace with too.

I am happy to be a practical support so long as the ‘golden child’ sibling starts pulling their weight more. I’ve been slowly implementing boundaries which has meant this sibling is having to step up now more on the practical side.

Emotionally, I am protecting myself.

I started mirroring the effort afforded to me. It has helped.

Yes, match their energy. I think I do more as kind of a f*ck you, and to perhaps try and shame her into thinking her effort was a bit rubbish. But that’s not worked yet and I’ve been at it for a number of years!

I probably also do it as I know we have no connection so I’m over compensating.

thank you for the reminder. Next year I’ll go low key!

As a mum, it's your day now.

My mum never wanted to celebrate it in any way so we did very little. Looking back perhaps she missed her own mum so it might have been too painful.

My daughter gets very excited so she does me a card, breakfast and a small gift. I view it as our day because she made me a mum.

Make it as special or not as you like. But try to disentangle your Mothers day woth your child from your mum's expectations of you.

If you feel you still need to perform for your mum to keep the peace, I'd use it as a yearly checkpoint to remind and motivate myself to do better with my own child than she did (as I'm sure you are).

So many of these things are performative now. Look at me, look what I did nonsense.

To me the simple pleasure of a handmade card clutched in the hand of a child can never be topped.

Agreed!

Tbh I think most people feel obliged to send cards and gifts etc on Mother’s Day . I stopped it a few years when I asked my kids if they felt obliged to do it . They said yes . I still have their hand made cards from when they were small and loved making them for me .

My mother is not important to me.
And i dont have kids.
So dont bother with it same as any other holiday just something to get people spending or to out do each other or add unwanted drama to our life's.