Feeling hurt and confused over friend

[Kikimusnik]

I have been friends with B for over 16 years. She has struggled with anxiety and depression over the years.
I have moved away now and don't go back to the old place much to visit. She was very upset when I moved away.

For the last 2 years she has sent me a birthday gift in the post.

I feel confused by this as when she was going through hard times she never responded to any of my messages at all. There was no contact at all.

She has sent a gift like I say and now has messaged me saying she would like to arrange something to meet up etc.

I'm torn whether to or not? As she ghosted me for about 18 months and then just sends me birthday gifts 2 years in a row but didn't contact me at all in this time?

Do I try to mend the friendship or shall I cut my losses.

When you suffer from anxiety and depression communication is often very difficult.

I think her sending you the birthday gifts is her way of trying to tell you that although she hasn't been in a good enough place mentally to keep in contact with you via messages she still values you and wants your friendship.
Perhaps her wanting to meet up now is a sign she is in a better place mentally. Or perhaps she wants to let you know what has been going on in her life that has prevented her from communicating.

Personally if I were you I would meet up with her, if that's possible for you. Hear what she has to say. And then you can decide whether you want to continue the friendship.

Do you mean that for 18mth she wasn’t talking to you but still sent you birthday gifts in that time? That’s not the same as total ghosting.

I see why you are hurt. But unless you have been in the position of suffering actual depression you can’t understand how she was feeling or thinking. This isn’t malicious it’s just a person suffering from an illness. It’s like if she had a broken leg for 2 years you wouldn’t expect her to go on walks with you. Similarly if she’s in a deep dark pit she may not have been able to cope with contacting you, anything could trigger a person in that state.

However it is up to you whether you can cope with this sort of friendship. It’s fine if you can’t but also fine if you feel you want to but be prepared for periods of low contact when she’s low.

If I’m low I don’t contact anyone, or usually reply. I will generally tell people that I won’t be replying, that they’ve done nothing wrong, I value their friendship, and I’m there if they need me, and I will be back but I’m not currently in a place where I want to be contact. But, realistically, if you’re my friend, you need to deal with the fact that I disappear periodically. I’ve not lost any friends. So I can only assume that for them, my friendship is worth occasional periods of silence.

But no one can decide for you whether this friendship has value enough for you.

Are you her friend or not? You said she'd been going through a hard time, but still made the effort to send you gifts. To me she sounds like she really values you. If that's not the type of friend you want, do whatever you want.

I’m like your friend. I find it hard to communicate when I’m feeling low but I never stop thinking about my old friends.
She’s signalling to you that she’s ready now, give her a chance.

Yes in the 18 months of no contact she still sent birthday gifts.

I have suffered depression and anxiety before, so I do understand how hard it is at times.

I did offer her to come and visit where I live for a few days, but she declined and said she was busy and what not.

I think atleast if I meet up with her, I can then decide if I want to continue the friendship or not.

So she hasn't ghosted you at all then. She has maintained contact and sent you birthday gifts. You sound a bit needy, especially if this is what you classify as 'ghosting'. I have friends I don't talk to much but always remember to send a card or text. That's still being in contact, although no frequent contact. I think your definition of 'ghosting' isn't the same as most people. And your friend sounds lovely to think of you and you should be grateful and realise how lucky you are. I feel sorry for your friend to be honest.