Living with my gran is barely tenable – WWYD?

[DominantTortoise]

DP (27) and I (26) moved in with my gran (83) last year to help her out and save some money, but it’s becoming increasingly untenable. She’s lovely but so set in her ways, and we have zero privacy. She doesn’t knock, constantly comments on what we’re doing (“Oh, in bed again?” at 10pm!), and expects us to eat every meal with her.

I totally get that it’s her house, but DP and I are at our wits’ end. She’s also quite frail now, so I feel awful for even thinking about moving out, but I honestly don’t think we can do this much longer. It’s putting a strain on our relationship, and I can see DP getting increasingly frustrated.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How do you navigate this without feeling like the worst person alive? WIBU to start looking for a place, or do we just suck it up for a bit longer?

Any advice welcome!

Hi op, I really feel for you. I looked after my mum with dementia and she passed when she was 83.

I don't think I'd put myself through it again. She was just as you describe, angry with us not spending enough time with her (2 full time jobs, 2 kids under 6) and not eating every meal with her. She deteriorated. I would look for something else unless you don't mind being her carer in the coming years.

Super sorry if that sounds harsh.

Stating the bleedin' obvious, you move out. As she gets older she will become more demanding and will need a lot more of your time and effort so if it's unbearable now you need to leave before she gets so frail that it's impossible to move.

At this point does she actually need helping? How much of you being there is helping her and how much of it is wanting to save money?

I would suggest that if possible you move somewhere else but close enough to pop in, so that you're not abandoning her completely. The current set up sounds suffocating and could cost you your relationship with DP.

You have to leave she doesn't understand that you don't actually want to live with her as a family. But just use her spare room and kitchen as your own, she sounds quite full on move into a shared house that you will get peace.