Relationship with sister....

[lostscientist]

Hi all, looking for some advice on my relationship with my little sister.

We're both adults (around 40ish, two and a bit years between us). She's got a daughter (about 7) but I have no kids (partner and dog). I get on well with her and enjoy it when we talk but we only talk when I call her. I feel like I'm putting in quite a bit of effort and getting almost nothing back. I did a test last year and called her at the end of the summer (September) and got nothing until I called her again in November. This time I think it's been probably about three or four months, I've lost count. She seems to like it when I call and like I say, the chats are nice, but she never calls me.

I invite her regularly to come and use our house, she lives about an hour and 40 mins away, maybe slightly longer. We have a whole floor spare she could put the family in and lots of local things to do that would be fun for a 7 year old. It would be a free holiday for them and I've said if they want to do it during half term or whatever she's welcome, we'd give them a key and let them get on with things and we'd be at work but could spend evenings with them so we're not in the way. I've offered almost every holiday for about three or four years but nothing.

She drives past us on an 6 or so hour drive to the south of the country and never stops in, again, I've offered with 'i'll cook and you guys can stay over and break up the journey' but she says she 'likes to do it all in one'.

I know she's busy with a kid and she has lots of friends. Am I wasting my time? I feel like the logical thing is to realise that if I want a relationship with her, which I do, then I just have to drive it. But that feels really draining sometimes and also (said in a small and slightly sad and pathetic voice) makes you feel a bit unloved...

Any thoughts much appreciated, not sure what to do on this one!

You’re not being unreasonable to feel hurt or confused by this, but you are being unreasonable not to have asked her directly why she behaves like this. It’s quite simple

articulate how you feel
say you’d like to know how she feels about the situation
say what you want from the situation

How do you get on generally when you are together?

So you have fun and laugh together?

It's sad when a sibling doesn't make any effort. I have one like that. I don't know what the answer is. If you stop bothering it's upsetting for you more than them. Do you think there's any jealousy involved?

So she knows she does it mostly because my mum does the same thing. Mum's excuse is always 'i never know when you're free' so she never calls me either and when this gets mentioned to sis she says 'yeah but i never call either but you know, busy and all that' and it's sort of brushed aside. She definitely prioritizes her family (which is totally fair) and her local friends but that leaves zero time left for me.

When my mum was alive, I called her twice a week and visited once a week. She never once called me.

My older sibling who has severe mh probs never calls or visits due to his mental health. Its all driven by me phoning, me visiting.

My other sibling texts occasionally but they always come here. I haven't been invited to theres in years!

I love them all and they love me. It's annoying sometimes that the effort all comes from me (especially as I also work, have children etc...) but then I just think, what does it matter. I love them, they r unlikely to change, does it really matter! The main thing is we all do deeply care for each other

I mean I guess it’s good that she recognises it, but without you telling her how you feel, there’s no accountability for her actions/you’re always kind of going to be waiting for her to cotton on to how you’re feeling and have a sudden surge of empathy to change her behaviour. Do you have a fear that if you told her how it makes you feel, and nothing changed/she came up with an excuse, it would be unbearable rejection?

i have the same conversation with my mum - my sister never makes any effort to visit her or call. Mum quietly nudges and encourages, but won’t take the plunge and say how it actually makes her feel. I think deep down she knows that if it doesn’t change anything, she’ll feel a great sense of loss and is probably not ready to accept that this is the deal she’s going to get in the relationship, or just walk away in as much as she no longer makes the effort herself towards my sis.

I do think your “test” of seeing if/when she calls is a red flag on your personality IMO. Sounds like she is busy with lots of things and that the lack of phone calls isn’t out of malice. If you want to change it, change it by sending messages to her with interesting stuff you’ve done/seen/whatever. Not by conducting your “test”.

Oh I absolutely do this as well, I send her funny things I think she'll appreciate (mostly videos of dogs), I'll ask her whether she's up to anything fun for holidays/birthdays etc. I probably message every week or so and I'd say about 70% of them go unanswered. What makes me a little sad about this is that on the rare occasions I see her in person she does spend quite a lot of time on her phone, which means the messages come in and she's just flicking past them or ignoring them because she's busy on instagram

That's sad. But maybe you just have to accept this relationship.
Possibly send less dog videos?

Ask for videos or news about her child?

That will be hard to resist. Maybe her news is mostly child focused and she thinks you might find that difficult?

I'm just guessing here.

YANBU OP. I’m an only child and when j was younger was desperate for a sibling. But your example shows that sibling relationships are sometimes not what you want then to be even when there’s no jealousy or conflict of any kind involved and things are, on the surface very amicable.

In your situation I’d drop the rope OP.

I voted YABU simply because she’s you haven’t talked to her about it. There’s obviously building frustration and resentment which she knows nothing about!
Be a grown up, and TALK to her about how you feel.

I’m one of 5, nc by my choice with one. All contact with other 3 has always been driven by me. When 2 dsis both welcomed new dgc I wasn’t even told they were pregnant.
I’ve not fallen out or mentioned anything but I’m tired of one way effort and I don’t bother anymore.
It’s really sad in a way and I do feel a bit guilty about not making the effort.

You're all grown ups, OP. Your sister isn't bothered about a relationship with you or she would make more effort. All the PPs giving her cover are wrong. Yes, there are ebbs and flows within relationships but when one person is making all the effort all the time, it's not a relationship. It's a drain on your mental health ultimately because it affects your sense of self worth. If your mother and sister can't be bothered to put in some effort, that has an impact.

I feel for you, OP. Put your energies into people who cherish you.