He’s not even trying to bond with baby

[Sjay11]

Dh is really struggling to bond with our 6 month old, after 2 girls which are daddy’s girls he was delighted to be having a boy but he just feels nothing, he even thinks his son doesn’t like him.
He is aware that he needs to give it time but he’s not even trying, he comes straight home from work and doesn’t even acknowledge his son, he doesn’t sing to him, doesn’t do anything other than sometimes do silly voices to make him smile which is lovely but the bare minimum and he smiles when he talks to him.

He is quite hands on practically such as making bottles and sterilising but he doesn’t seem to be trying to bond emotionally.
Before he was born he was so exited and little man is the absolute spit of him but he just can’t connect and never has.
He works 6 days a week and sometimes he’s gone before he’s awake and not home until he’s gone to bed but even if he’s home early he doesn’t seem too bothered about spending time with him. I don’t know if he’s depressed but it’s so disappointing when he has such a close bond with our daughters that was there from the start.
He thinks he’s just a mummy’s boy and doesn’t like him but if he doesn’t make any effort how is he going to bond?

To clarify in the last paragraph I was referring to Dh saying Ds doesn’t like him, not that he doesn’t like Ds.

Bit of a twat really isn’t he.

Sounds as if he needs to be around a bit more. He can't bond with a baby he hardly sees and if he's going to get daft notions in his head like 'baby doesn't like me' then he needs to give himself a wobble.

First post nails it.

surely as this is the third time around, he must know that a six month old doesn’t have the capacity to “dislike” him in any realistic terms.

has he been doing the heavy lifting of parenting with the older two, so that you can concentrate on the baby and the nice stuff with all of them? Or is he just sulking?

Could he be jealous of the bond DS has with you - and feel (consciously or otherwise) that because DS is a boy he is somehow in competition with him?

I know this will be an uncomfortable thing to consider...but it was very real with my XH and he would not deal with it...I doubt he would admit to it even now, and it was a major factor in the breakdown of our marriage.

I'm not for one moment suggesting that's where your marriage is headed, but clearly your DH has a problem with something, and only he can deal with it...what happens when you ask him why he is behaving like this?

Come on, he’s a fully grown dad of three, he knows a six month old baby doesn’t have capacity not to like a parent. He sounds jealous to me, of your relationship with him. Bonds don’t always form easily but if he’s not even trying to bond with the baby, then I would seriously be reconsidering the relationship. I’m sorry OP, so shit of him

If he's working 6 days a week, as a father of now 3 fairly young ones, carrying the financial weight and not getting any younger, I would bet he's exhausted. He could also be depressed. A GP visit might be in order. Post partum depression can also affect men.

Is there any way he can work less days or a shorter shift on one or two days? Is he working twelves, since you say there are days he's gone before baby gets up and comes home after baby is on bed. With that kind of punishing schedule, he likely doesn't have the emotional spoons left to try to bond, he's too exhausted.

Your baby is a "mamma's baby" because you spend all your time with him and he rarely sees his dad. Your options are things stay the same, he decreased his hours or changes jobs to work less, or you go back to work so he can work less hours.

It sounds like he works a lot and doesn't really get much chance to bond with the baby. Was he working 6 days when your other children were born or is he working extra to help support the added child?
Maybe when the baby is older he might find it easier as he can do something with them, other than practical stuff which is the main thing right now.

He’s working 6 days a week plus being hands on practically? Tbh he’s probably exhausted, as I’m sure you are. If he’s out 6 days and gone before he wakes up / back after he’s asleep, he’s not going to have that bond.

I don’t think he’s jealous of my relationship with him but he’s upset that he doesn’t have the bond we have. His answer is to back away instead of try harder.

He's probably just too shattered to try harder. He should reduce his working hours whether he is bonding or not. His current schedule seems very unhealthy.

He wasn’t working such long hours when the girls were born but he was in a different job. His job is now quite stressful and he has no way of reducing his hours unless he looks for something else.
He is exhausted but he has worked hard to get this job and it’s the type of job where you go home when the work is done and there’s a lot of jobs on at the moment.

"He thinks he’s just a mummy’s boy"

He's a child who only knows his Mother, not a 'mummy's boy' 🙄

It's really up to him isn't it? You only get out what you put in and if he can't be bothered to put the time in then there will be no relationship - ask him if he's happy with that?

My Ex found it much easier to bond with our daughter than son . I think he found it baby talk and being sweet came naturally. I felt he still had a stupid hangover from his own childhood that you had to be manly around boys . His own father used the word sissy when he heard my son played with a primary coloured tea set at playgroup.

It’s early days and it sounds like your DH is overwhelmed. Are you still breastfeeding? Is there something he can do just with the baby like take him swimming?

We have a baby the same age and my DH gives him a bottle of formula every night at about 10pm after I’ve gone to bed. The time together is really important and precious to him. It might not be about the baby being male, it might be about the different job and this being baby no. 3. Dads can get depression when a new baby comes along too. Is that a possibility? Are finances more stretched now? I know this is Mumsnet but it might not be that he’s a twat!

I had the same with my 3rd child, my husband never developed a bond with him now my son is nearly 7 and hates his dad

Maybe he just needs time. Why don’t you try taking your DDs out and leave DH at home with the baby for a few hours? He will be forced to interact with him then.

He thinks he is a mummy’s boy and doesn’t like him - I think he’s struggling with some sort of postpartum depression. Working 6 days a week, having 3 small children must be tough.

I think for DH’s sanity he needs to think about his work and home balance, I know it’s easier said than done as the bills need paying but something needs to give.

I think he needs some alone time with DS to bond more and some support.

This! Even an hour a week, him and DS need time together alone.

Give it time. Maybe he is exhausted. Maybe he is overwhelmed . Maybe he fantasized about a much older father/son relationship and sort if mentally skipped over the baby stage. I know my dh dreaded daughters (all he got) because of a poor relationship with his sisters but came to love them and be proud of them right away. What I am trying to say is it can work the other way around. He needs time to let go of fantasy son and appreciate the one he has.

I'm sorry if I sounded dramatic @Sjay11 , I didn't mean to alarm you...I think PPs suggestions of giving him the baby for an hour is a good one, literally force them to interact, and of course the little one may grizzle as his dad isn't you, and is unfamiliar...could your DH wear your t shirt or something comforting so baby will snuggle into that...and into his dad by default? Something that just the two of them do is a great idea, ideally a daily something if possible, but even a couple of times a week would be a start.

I think this is a case of fake it till you make it for your DH, and only he can make this work...if he was struggling with the girls as well at the moment I'd think it was exhaustion, depression or whatever, but if it's just your little boy then there is something else going on.

Best of luck love.