I've been with my partner nearly 2 years, we both have children and live in different towns. We've made it work, the children get on etc, and we've both always had shared custody so there's been lots of time for just us. My shared care arrangements are very smooth, but he is involved in a years long custody/financial battle.
Now his oldest child has pretty much moved back in with him, meaning he wants me to spend more (all) our time there, which I've been doing...but there is a lot of conflict in the household, mainly over gaming/bedtimes, but in general, the kids being left for hours and hours on their computers. He bought them new ones recently, and I'm pretty sure that's why they are now at his all the time. The oldest child is 16 and tricky - I don't know how else to put it. A bit of a bully to the younger ones, confrontational, physically strong, a little intimidating to me I guess - not directly, but he doesn't respect his dad or me - there's a lot of shouting. He won't go back to his mum's, even though she wants him there. Or he might suddenly decide to - we never know and it feels like his decisions outweigh any planning we might try to do. I suppose I want my partner to tell his son he should go to his mum's for a few weeks (which has been his previous pattern), but my partner will say he can't physically make him do anything.
There have been nights my partner has left him alone to come to me, saying he's an adult, but I don't think that's right either. Partner is very busy, and when I'm there, I feel like he's just constantly working and/or parenting - it's not really quality time. At my place, it is quiet and peaceful, and though he's often working, I arrange for us to do nice things together. I do love my partner very much. I don't think he's been the best parent all the time, but he's also faced an incredibly hostile legal battle, nearly lost the kids, fought to have custody etc. I was happy to meet someone who had children, but I didn't know how difficult this would be. Any advice?