Hanging By A Thread

[Toadywot]

As this goes back as far 2008, I’m going to have to relay this in a nutshell, relying on the community to ask for what they will need to clarify the situation.

In a nutshell, I am very unhappy. The relationship with my husband began in 2005 and it was awesome….we both felt very blessed. At the time, his daughters were 27 and 29, both married. We purchased a home in 2007 and married in 2019. In 2008, I started to sense that they were pulling away and all communication ceased. I, having no idea why, had to ask my husband why they cut ties with me, what did I do, etc.. I thought all had been going well, then came the cold shoulder. My husband’s first few answers to the multiply-asked question was “They aren’t mad”. Then came “I don’t know”, followed by “they don’t like your animals”. “They thought your Christmas gifts were stupid” (I would’ve killed for someone to present me with such cherished gifts). “They don’t like your relationship with your family”.

His 50-year-old daughter, who professes to be a Christian, has not spoken to me since 2008. She won’t say what’s wrong. She doesn’t appear to be interested in working this out. She doesn’t even know me!

Turns out my husband turned them against me by involving them in our private business, feeding them complaints and outright lies. My emotions have been stomped on and shredded badly since 2012. I’m badly damaged inside and truth to tell, the fact I have to bare my soul to complete strangers should say something.

I can no longer live with the hostility and fighting over this. I want out. I’m 64, fully dependent on him financially and have no family. I have never felt a part of this one, that’s for sure. I want to go….but where to go? How can I once more become the self-sufficient woman I used to be, never needing a man and proud of it?

So sorry you’re unhappy OP. I don’t have any amazing advice to offer I’m afraid but didn’t want to read and run 💐

Sorry you feel this way, I’m still unsure as to what’s actually happened to be honest it doesn’t add up - have you spoken to your husband and explained how you feel? You said they don’t like the relationship with your family but then you said you have no family - what’s going on? I can see why you feel trapped I’m sorry I’m not sure what you can do or where you can go but there must be some options for you x

Why did you marry in 2019 if you bought a home in 2007? It seems a very long time to wait.

Who gave you the information that your husband "turned them against" you, and what has he said about it? Are you sure you trust whoever told you this? Why did you marry him in 2019 if you had emotional issues since 2012, and what have the other issues been?

If you need to leave, then your first step is to speak to a solicitor about starting divorce proceedings, and take their advice on how to proceed. Have the discussion before saying anything to your husband, so that you approach any conversations in line with a plan.

Many wise ppl on mumsnet, someone should be able offer some good advice , there will be solutions , all will be well

I ask myself numerous times why I married him, knowing and feeling the way I did. He worships his first wife, who died of breast cancer in ‘97 and married his second wife 16 months later, thinking that his first marriage was so good, the second would be. I won’t ever measure up to #1 and that’s liveable.

Yes, we bought a house in 2007 and married in 2019, but outside of the stupidity of getting married, I’m not sure where it’s an issue.

He eventually confessed that he complained to them about me and that’s why they cut me off. Prior to the falling-out, his youngest daughter confided that when they saw how unhappy he was with his second wife (I’m the third) they cut her out of their lives….in essence, he brought them into their marital issues by complaining. Our marriage is a repeat performance. He tells them things like I’d bitch about him visiting them and his grandchildren…..I HAVE NEVER!! In fact, I encouraged it very much. I had no issue staying home during the holidays. They have been to our house once.

I became estranged from my family 13 years ago and contact is less than minimal. The family bond is non-existent. In my mind, I have no family.

We attended counseling sessions, but I believe he was less than truthful during the individual sessions. When the time came for sessions together, my husband refused to participate and denied knowing we would have to do that, which the counselor knew was untrue. It cemented my suspicion he was not telling her the truth.

I own my share of fault, but what am I doing to make 20% render me a BH at all? I think he is the one that doesn’t want his girls to bond with anyone but their mother. I’ve spent 18 years trying to work this out. If I’m missing something, let me know. I think too much time has gone by to resolve that issue, but it panics me to think of spending the little I have left in this life feeling demeaned, disrespected and patronized. It hurts to know my husband does not want me to have any relationship with his family and doesn’t care enough to even try.

I own my share of fault, but what am I doing to make 20% render me a BH at all?

I'm also truly confused! What does this sentence mean?

Honestly though, if you're unhappy, leave. That's the totality of it.

It's unusual to be no contact with both sides of the family, why don't you talk to yours? I also wonder if it matters if a 50 year old daughter doesn't like you? Surely your own lives can still be enjoyed?