No contact with mum

[strawberryshortcake1234]

Hi everyone, this is my first post here but I've been reading a lot, apologies if I've done anything the wrong way. I wanted to reach out and see if anyone has had a similar experience to me, especially with a parent who has paranoid personality disorder or similar mental illness. I'm 21, and have struggled for a long time with my relationship with my mum. I'm seriously considering cutting contact completely, but I don't know if I will come to regret it or it will be more trouble in the long run.

For as long as I can remember she has been deeply distrustful of people, and throughout the years has developed intricate conspiracies believing everyone in her life is involved. This means she has no job, no friends, and has cut herself off (and by extension me) from all her family. I have too many stories to count from my childhood of her ostracising me from friends, moving my schools numerous times and accusing me of awful things. As I've reached adulthood, I've begun to realise how damaging her behaviour has been, and it only appears to be getting worse. I love her, and part of me always hopes she may change, but I can't continue like this and I feel as if it's holding me back from getting on with my life.

I also feel incredibly lonely in my situation. I recently reached out to a therapist but I haven't told anyone else apart from my boyfriend about my mum and I don't know anyone in a similar situation. If anyone has been through anything similar I would really appreciate hearing about your experiences. How did you come to the decision to go no contact? Or is it best just to minimise contact to avoid further fallout? How does it affect you in the long run? Thank you in advance to anyone reading this, apologies for the length - I really appreciate any advice.

Would cutting her out of your life benefit you? Would it actually make any difference or could you just be there for her whilst living your own life too?

Thank you for replying. I think it would. I live a few hours away from her and we don’t communicate very often as it is, although I worry about her a lot and I don’t know if that would change.

Firstly massive hugs and solidarity for feeling this way. It is a deeply personal decision and I would urge you to do whatever is best for you and your own mental health and wellbeing.

I have had no contact with my parents for 20 years. Both separated but mother in particular suffered undiagnosed mental health issues, in hindsight I suspect bipolar, wild lows and manic highs and heavy drug and alcohol use.

I won't bore you with the individual traumas but ultimately I made the decision to move away several hundred miles and go no contact and never looked back. With a bit of time and space and therapy I recovered myself but never wanted to patch up that relationship. I don't regret it at it but it is one of the hardest things I've ever experienced and the longing for a parent-daughter relationship is still there even though I know they cannot provide this for me.

do it if you think it may help
Not necessarily irreversible - you can always make contact in the future if it doesn't bring you what you hope for.
It's clearly very nuanced - if you've reached out to a therapist, discuss it with them.

I was NC with my mother - occasionally I'd give it another go, generally at the request of my Father, and did see her shortly before she died.
In some ways I regret it - but deep down I know that if I hadn't done it she still wouldn't have been the person/provided the relationship I'd have liked - she just wasn't a very nice person.

Thank you for sharing your experience, it feels like a weight off my shoulders knowing other people have also gone through this. I also feel like I’m grieving the normal mother daughter relationship I’ve never had.

I’m sorry you’ve also been through this. I will speak to my therapist about it, and that’s true it doesn’t have to be a final decision. I think part of me still hopes I can change her behaviour through my actions although I know it won’t make a difference.

Unfortunately you can't change anyone else's behaviour, you can only change how you react and respond to it. It's great that you're already seeing a therapist, they can help you navigate what, if anything, you want out of a relationship with your mother. I'm glad our comments give you some comfort, I've found a lot of people try to make you feel guilty when you sever a relationship with a parent but they don't know what you've been through, how its affecting you and its none of their business really. You have to do what's right for you.

Solidarity and strength. It’s the hardest thing in the world. I have a very similar mum. At your age I was in a similar position too, really struggling but couldn’t quite imagine a world where I just cut her off. At 22/23 that’s exactly what happened. We have had no contact since then and it’s the best decision I ever made. The correct decision. I have no guilt over it. I can feel sorry for her, I know there are reasons she is the person she is. But that does not make her a safe or good person for me.

Again, it’s hard because that’s your mum. You want more than anything to have a good relationship with her. But because of her, that isn’t possible. You have to protect yourself.

I have been told all sorts of stories since about what my mum says is the reasons we don’t have contact. Of course she has made a completely fictional version that makes her sympathetic. She even told people I was abused by my paternal grandfather and “could not forgive her” - despite it not being her fault. This categorically did not happen.

It’s all quite maddening if I really think about it. So I tend not to. I don’t hold any guilt for moving my life in a healthy direction. And neither should you.

If your mum is paranoid, how is getting treatment for her going? It’s a difficult condition to treat, for obvious reasons. I’m just wondering if framing her behaviour as illness would help you deal with her but have appropriate boundaries so that you don’t get drawn in? One to ask your therapist as is stick with their suggestions rather than anything that gets projected at you from Mumsnet.

She doesn’t receive any treatment, this isn’t an option for her because she would never accept any (we’ve tried many times). But yes that does definitely help, I think I’ve accepted that she’s never going to seek out help and I don’t get involved with trying to get her any like I have in the past.