Anyone had experience of 12 year old DD self harming?

[SummerLovingcantwait]

My 12 year old DD has struggled with various issues over the past 6 years. I’ve arranged counselling for her for a number of issues.

I found out this weekend that she has been cutting herself. I’m totally out of my comfort zone and never imagined someone so young would get to such a dark place.

Anyone have any experience of this?

wishing you strength and courage - it’s a tough gig.

Had similar with my 13year old DD and it was definitely a cry for my attention and help - But - please be sure you know exactly what she is doing on her phone etc. I later discovered that my DD was being influenced by several online sites/communities where self-harming was seen as a necessary credential for membership and promoted as a good way to deal with difficult feelings.

@EagerLemonHiker thanks for your response, I think I need to understand better where the influence to do this has come from. Just trying to go very gently at the moment.

Get support for her at school. Do you know what’s triggering her?

She’s having a tough time at school with a friendship group and has recently fallen out with her Dad (my ex) so I know she’s got a lot going on, I was just shocked at the severity of it.

I was your DD 30 years ago. I never told my parents though and kept it hidden. Unfortunately it stayed with me for years, the last time being about 7 years ago. For me it’s an outlet and a way to channel my pain. Mostly it’s a dark secret and apart from the handful of people I’ve confided in, people would never know I did this and would likely be shocked. In my experience she is dealing with a lot of troubled thoughts and maybe some trauma is the trigger. Be there for her, practically as well as emotionally. Self harm is inconceivable to most people but to the perpetrator it is definitely a release of stress and other emotions and for a short time it does make you feel better, until it doesn’t and the shame and the guilt kicks in. If she’s not still in therapy I would suggest getting her back in. I do hope she’s going to be ok.

It is seen as a coping mechanism now, rather than a precursor to suicide. Have discussions about how to do it safely (sterilised things and importance of cleaning wounds). Make sure she knows she can tell you if she is worried. Dd did it and the cuts were superficial but bled a lot. There is a hideous online community out there. Someone offered dd £200 to cut live streaming. I made her delete Reddit and tumblr as they were worst communities.

Thanks for responses, I just thought 12 was incredibly young for this sort of thing but perhaps I was just naive.

oh you poor thing. We had this with my 14 year old dd when she was going through a rough time health wise that impacted on her life in several ways. It was horrific. She had counselling and we told the school - she only did it a handful of times but the scars on her arm are quite visible still even 2 years on. When i spoke to the school about it they said it’s a lot more common than we think - they also mentioned a contagion aspect of it and how it has been ‘glamourised’ in certain places online.
try and get her the help she needs - it’s really awful, but it’s something hopefully that she will be able to deal with with the right help.

My dd was around 10/11 when I first realised she was self harming. School said that their counsellor wouldn't be able to help with this so we paid privately. She has self harmed on and off for the next 5 years or so and has continued to see her counsellor on and off. She says it's her way of coping with things and seems to coincide with stress or trouble with friends. I think it's very common these days.

There is a lot of advice out there, honestly I struggled a lot with it and did express my feelings a few times, mostly about how the scars would impact her life. The main thing is that she is open about it and feels comfortable talking about it

I agree with this, make sure she knows she can come to you if she's worried about a wound or she's cut deeper than she meant to. She needs to know you won't be cross (or outwardly shocked or upset) at it. (Even though inside I'm sure you'll be heartbroken) I'd also make sure she has access to clean dressings, antiseptic etc.

I know that, that must seem counterintuitive, but it's a way of seeing that she's 'safe' while you get other things in place and she develops other coping mechanisms.

I'd also open up a way she can talk to you about anything anytime. If she finds opening up face-to-face difficult may be text/WhatsApp you. And tell her that she can do a 'mum I'm struggling' message and you'll be there in silence, no judgement if that's what she needs.

I would talk to her school and also your GP about arranging support and for someone for her to talk to.

You could also help her find alternatives to self harm when she feels the need - some things people do are ping an elastic band on their skin (a loose one so it's not impeding circulation) or holding an ice cube or drawing on themselves with red pen.

I wish her and you well.

My DD was self harming at 9. She was watching Tiktoks of grown men cutting themselves.
I assume these would now be available as YouTube shorts. I took away all technology to isolate her from these harmful communities.
I think it lastest about 5 years.

We had this with DD in year 8.

I read to focus on the reason she behind it rather than the harm itself.

We agreed DD would try an elastic band on her wrist or call me when she felt the need so we could talk it through. She confided in one friend who then distanced herself as it was too much.

For DD is was about control. Everything else was outside her control but harm wasn't. I tried to help her control or choose where she could in daily life

DD only had one instance of actual harm and then a few months of me wondering. I read you should never ask. I didn't but it was hard.

Good luck

Hi,

I have personal experience of this. I have struggled with self harm since I was 11 and my daughter self harmed at age 10.

It felt horrendous and like I failed as a mum. I questioned what I'd done so wrong, if it was my fault for her growing up with my scars etc.

It's ok to cry, to worry, to feel all kinds of things. I felt like it was something I had to immediately fix/action/stop, like I had to solve it. But honestly, give yourself and daughter time. Allow yourself to think, allow your daughter to come to terms with telling you and how that feels and how much she feels like explaining, she may not even be able to.

I echo the pp who said check her phone, however try not to do it in a way that makes her think she's done anything wrong, because it's likely she will see it as a punishment and feel shame and guilt. Ask about friendships, if she talks to any friends about how she feels and if the friendships are positive and helpful. Even if she doesn't share anything she might think about it. There's a very real issue of kids creating a whatsapp etc group and detailing self harm, psychiatric hospitals, not eating, etc.

It might be that she opens up little by little, and I know the feeling of wanting to know everything right now. But it's not likely.

You've got this, you obviously care a lot and that's what she'll need, so you're already there

My dd 14 is going through it right now. Shes dealing with a lot of anger, grief, friendship problems and rejection from her bio dad at the moment.

im a self harmer too, but it still knocked me for six when I found out that dd was doing it too

While self harm and suicide are distinct entities and need to be asked about individually it isn't strictly true that self harm isn't a precursor to suicide. History of self harm increases the risk of suicide and the majority of young people who have self harmed have had suicidal thoughts.

That said you have done the right thing in getting her counselling and I hope you and she can keep the lines of communication open
If she has a phone I would be deleting or at the very least strongly monitoring the social media apps. As a parent it is terrifying but now you know you are better placed to help her.

Yes it was a trend in her year 7. Loads of them were doing it. It stopped year 8. Was awful.

I’m a counsellor at a children’s charity and speak to many young people who self harm. What we say to them is that we know some young people self harm and it can be a way of coping with feelings. So we try to talk about the feelings, and to encourage them to cope with those feelings in a different way. We don’t ask them to stop, we just ask them to be as safe as possible. For example, use something clean, look after wounds, and know it’s ok to get help if worried about a wound.

We hope they will use us for distraction, ideas about their feelings and other ways of expression. There are a number of places to look for info. Young Minds, Self Harm Network, a charity called Harmless and Childline. Childline especially has info geared towards younger people, and many resources (look under Toolbox, Calm zone and coping with feelings sections). I really suggest you look at the resources too, maybe with your DD. It’s hard to be a parent when this is going on, much easier for us at arms length. But remember you don’t have to understand it to listen to her and support her, and if you can keep the lines of communication open, that’s brilliant.

It might sound a bit mad but I took my anxious and angry dd to rugby. Its very full on and physical and helps get the feelings out. Perhaps any sport would help but as girls rugby is still developing it can be more inclusive than better established sports like netball.

Has she had any assessment for any neurodiversity?

I echo what others have said. Try and remain calm and matter of fact when you talk to her about it. As @EagerLemonHiker says, see what online communities she's part of, which may be encouraging it.

Also, and this is going to sound harsh, be very matter of fact about the cleaning of the wounds. Give her the means to do it herself. My experience with my (now adult) child was that it was a cry for help, a way of getting her needs met and if people gave her attention and sympathy it reinforced the behaviour. She has quite severe psychological problems though.