Accused by my niece for something I haven’t done

[liliesandrose]

I was wondering what is your opinion on this and am I being reasonable for being upset about it.

My niece basically accused me of doing something to her homework.

Sister-in-law will always dump her children at me and my DH, even though sometimes we don’t feel like it we still agree to have them.
She uses this time to see her boyfriend, go party or see friends.
This particular time I was doing HW with my niece(13) and I really enjoyed helping her and making sure she is ready for school next day.
The day went really well and their mum picked them up late in the night.

However, next morning I got a message from my niece asking if I have seen her homework as it’s not in her bag?
She put her HW in her bag, my DH saw that too. She kept going on and on about it like basically suggesting I have done something with her HW.
After a while, she said that’s it’s fine she has it on her PC.
It’s so weird and I’m so upset because I’m basically looking after them, feeding them, helping them with their HW and now I’m falsely accused of doing something to her belongings. Why did she keep going on about it when at the end she actually said she has it on her PC?

I keep thinking it’s deliberate and spiteful because her mum was upset with me and my DH some time ago.

She sounds like a teenager 😅
Also, probably feels comfortable enough to go on like that with you as basically you're raising her a lot of the time.

Thank you- I didn’t think of it in that way, for some reason I had a feeling it’s like “ my mum was upset because of you - now I will upset you too”.

I take a lot of pride in being a very trustworthy person and in 35 years no one has ever accused me of stealing or doing something malicious, so I did take this very personal to be fair.

Send her and her sibs back to mom and don't watch them anymore.

You're being used for free childcare and this kid is lying about you screwing with her homework. She's trying to make trouble for you and this is not going to improve. She crossed a line and it's up to you to give the consequences of lying about you or roll over and show your belly.

You’re the adult and she’s the teenager - you didn’t touch her homework,drama over.
the next drama will soon come along !!
you are a fab auntie !!

If she brings it up again, or does anything similar, just say to her and her mother that she is no longer welcome in your home.

No, she sounds like an utter brat. The two aren’t always synonymous.

Yes, agree, nip this in the bud right now.

Given the background it sounds like she may well have issues with anxiety. Is she the oldest? She may well have expectations put on her to help with younger siblings which are beyond that which might be expected. This heightened anxiety may lead her to react with panic when she can't find something.

I would try if you can to keep supporting her, keep the communication going. You are one of her stable parent type figures, she feels comfortable enough with you to express her stress. I would though be keeping a close eye on the situation and possibly having a word with the school if you are unable to keep supporting her and the others at this level.

@liliesandrose just tell sil you are no longer looking after her children!!! that wont happen again then, wiill it?

People on here have taken a very small snapshot and decided the OP should no longer look after the kids and the child is the devil incarnate!

I have a DD similar age and when she is stressed because she can’t find something she will blame me. It’s a teenager thing and once she has found it all is forgotten. I’ve mentioned to her how it makes me feel and she recognises that but also recognises that in the moment she isn’t thinking straight

next time you see your niece just mention it to her. I doubt very much she is starting a vendetta against you because her mum fell out with you

Blimey, I think people are being a bit harsh!! At 13 she doesn't know her arse from her elbow! I can understand how it stung, OP, because it felt like she was accusing you but it doesn't sound as if she ACTUALLY accused you? Did she actually say, 'what have you done with my homework?'

It sounds to me like she lost her homework and got in a panic and flap about it and flapped all over you and then forgot to apologise when she found it after all. Bit exhausting, but doesn't mean she meant anything bad to you. It sounds like she likes you... wouldn't you think?
I don't think many 13 year olds are Machiavellian enough to play nice with you all day, manipulate you into helping with their homework and then destroy it and blame you so that... what? You'll be in trouble with the school-police? If she wanted to get you back for upsetting her mum, it's far more likely she'd be cold and moody all afternoon with you or something.
I think she feels safe with you, and so you're getting the real teenage experience of freaking out and demanding to be told who moved their stuff! I'd try to let it wash over you and keep supporting her if you love her.

Crossposted, @Bruisername !

Welcome to the not so wonderful world of teens.
She lost it, panicked and blamed someone else. Don't take it personally

Honest to god, I've two teenagers and they can't see what's right in front of them half the time!
It's always sometime else who moved their shoes / keys / homework..... don't take it personally.

@liliesandrose just stick with the truth ‘both DH and I recall you putting it in your bag so you definitely had it when you left’. End of discussion.

I haven’t invited her over since then - nor I confirmed I am available- I just ignore any possibility of us looking after her for now.

This is interesting thinking outside of the box- thank you for sharing 🙏

I never thought of that - but yeah I used to do that a lot as a teenager. Thank you for reminding me.

Do you think it’s weird that the mum didn’t get involved? Or it was a right decision?

Send her home

I think the mother is detached from the whole situation. She either doesn't care about the homework, her children and you or she cares about something (drugs/ alcohol/ sex) more than the homework/ her children/ you or possibly she is being coerced in a relationship.

I think your niece sounds very vulnerable and potentially if she is not getting the nuture she is needing from family (even arguing teenagers need nurture), she might seek it from boys/ drink/ drugs. This can all be younger than you might think - from about yr 9- 13/14yrs old.

Kids accuse you of all sorts as their parent I expect it's similar for an aunt. I get accused of unplugging their tablet from the charger, making them die on a computer game because I walked in the room (which makes me laugh), misplacing something that turns up to be in a corner of their room, not washing something that it turns out is crumpled up in their cupboard. It's very normal behaviour.

It's harsh to cut the relationship back so suddenly after the incident.

She will feel awful and no longer trust the bond.

Maybe cut the relationship back slowly, if you have had enough.

My DC often blame me for random things, I don't worry about it.

Yep it’s Mum where have you put this - not I have put this somewhere that I can’t find it from my teens. Occasionally of course it is me which I think does perpetuate the cycle and I have thrown something away or I have tidied something up

Her mum probably couldn’t be bothered and she actually sees you like that enough to treat you like a mum

do those who are saying don’t look after her and she is a brat have teens as this wouldn’t even register for me as being anything other than fairly normal behaviour

also don’t forgot the punishments for not doing homework can be quite harsh nowadays as well - negative points/detentions can be commonplace

My DD constantly loses things and blames others and panics about it. “Where is it you MUST have put it somewhere I can’t have POSSIBLY lost it”, it’s not spiteful, it’s just a blind panic.

Do you think it’s weird that the mum didn’t get involved? Or it was a right decision? @liliesandrose

Did the mum even know?

Is it possible you' could be overthinking it because of the history with your sister?