AIBU? Help me understand if I have grounds to refuse their visits.

[recessionssuck123]

8 months ago my husband asked to separate after horrendous bout of abusive behaviour (him to me). Fast forward 3 weeks post separation and I become aware that false abuse allegations have been circulated about me by him (abuse of him by me plus me coercively controlling him). Also, abuse of my children by me. Mutual friends are told and I’m snubbed at school gate etc. These abuse allegations have continued every time I try to talk to him about something so going on 6 months. If he doesn’t want to talk, he gets his phone out to film me. In one film he tries to frame me by saying ‘stop hitting me’ (I wasn’t). His mum and niece take to social media to goad me. His mum calls my mum to explain I’ve been abusive in the relationship. Husband refused to leave the house - despite an offer from me to pay all mortgage and bills. He wants house sold to move on however he asked to separate before 180k house extension is completed. Agents say house won’t sell. Husband looses job and asks to stay in house for 2 years whilst he changes careers.

However, he only wants to stay I house with me for 2 years if I agree to having his parents over to stay still - so they can see grandchildren. But also I’ll need to go out for it? They want to come every school holiday for 2-3 days.

Would you think I have grounds to say no to this?

Sorry to hear you’re going through this. I think you need to find a way to not live together if possible. It sounds terrible.

You really need legal advice, not to post on here.

Your h sounds batshit.

Have you told the police about his allegations?

Yes, you absolutely have grounds to say no to this. What you’ve described is deeply manipulative and abusive behaviour, and you are under no obligation—morally, emotionally, or legally—to agree to having his parents in your home, especially under such coercive terms.

Here’s why you are entirely justified in saying no:

1. Ongoing Abuse and False Allegations

He has made false abuse allegations about you to others, damaging your reputation and relationships.

He uses filming and gaslighting tactics to provoke and frame you.

His family is also engaging in harassment and public goading, which only adds to your distress.

1. Unreasonable Conditions

Asking to stay in the house he didn’t want to keep, after instigating the separation and refusing your offer to cover the mortgage, is already questionable.

Trying to attach conditions to this—like inviting his parents into your space while demanding you leave during their visits—is controlling and, frankly, outrageous.

1. Your Right to Feel Safe

You are entitled to feel safe and comfortable in your home.

Hosting people who have smeared and bullied you, especially when you’d be forced to leave during their visits, is a complete violation of your boundaries.

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You have every right to say:

No, his parents may not stay over.

No, you will not vacate the home for their visits.

No, you do not agree to live under such oppressive and degrading terms for the next two years.

If this man wants to maintain a relationship between his parents and the children, it can be arranged through neutral venues, with clear boundaries, and not in a way that puts you out or enables further abuse.

You are not being difficult. You are protecting your peace and setting basic, necessary boundaries in a situation that has been cruel and unjust to you.

You need to see a lawyer to see what your options are.

And find a way to not live with him.

Can you afford a solicitor?

He's obviously not a remotely reasonable man, and you're entirely reasonable to be horrified at his behaviour and plans.

But that doesn't necessarily translate easily into where you stand legally.

Firstly you're not unreasonable, you're a saint!!
I'm so sorry you're going through this, what you're describing is a textbook example of DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It's a common tactic used by abusers to flip the narrative and cast you as the abuser, while they dodge accountability for their behaviour.

Let’s be really clear:

He initiated the separation after a pattern of abusive behaviour.

He then started spreading false allegations, attempting to destroy your reputation and relationships.

He films you and makes false statements while recording, clearly trying to provoke or entrap you.

His family is involved in a public smear campaign, which is further emotional abuse.

And now he wants to stay in your home for two more years, on the condition that you vacate the house during visits from people who have attacked you? That is deeply manipulative and entirely unreasonable.

You don’t just have grounds to say no, you have every right to protect your home, your peace, and your children from further harm.

Could this count as coercive control under UK law?

Possibly, yes. Coercive and controlling behaviour is a criminal offence under the Serious Crime Act 2015. It includes a pattern of behaviour designed to isolate, frighten, humiliate, or exert control over someone. His actions may well meet that threshold—especially if:

He is isolating you socially via false allegations.

He is trying to control your use of your own home.

He is surveilling you (e.g. filming you to manipulate the truth).

He is manipulating child contact or using the children as leverage.

You might want to speak to Women's Aid, Rights of Women, or a solicitor who specialises in domestic abuse cases. Keep a log of every incident, especially things like the filming, false accusations, and social media harassment. If he’s using these behaviours to frighten, intimidate, or undermine your ability to live freely, it could absolutely be relevant to a coercive control case.

You’ve done nothing wrong. You don’t owe him or his family anything. Please trust your gut , what you’re feeling is real, and you’re not imagining the madness. You’re strong for standing your ground.

Have you reported any of his behaviour which caused the split to the police?

He's obviously trying to set you up to control custody of the children & to get you removed from the house.

Forget the GP visits, not relevant. Let him. Go out when they're there. Pick your battles.

You need to gather evidence of his coercive and abusive behaviour & start getting it documented with police, womens aid etc

Oh dear, please go see a lawyer, or women's advice group. Please do not leave him with your children in the house. His parents may move in and not let you back in.

You need to move out and take the kids with you, you can’t allow them to carry on living like this. Then speak to a lawyer.

You have grounds to go to the police about this.