Daughters age-gap relationship

[Newtbug2024]

My DD has just informed me that for the past 5 months she has been engaging in a relationship with a 52 year old man. She has just turned 21. She only admitted this to me as there is now talk of engagement. Obviously I am vehemently against this, however he is offering her a lifestyle I have never been able to provide her with. Am I being unreasonable to give her my blessing?

What is there to say? We can all agree how fucked up the situation is but still agree that OP can’t control it or push her daughter away.

She probably would've resented them for not caring enough to warn her. People make their own decisions.

I would not conceal my worry and utter disgust towards him.

The 37% unreasonable vote is why this place has a low bar in general.

Not sure about you OP, but I would not entertain this seedy union and would find a way to tell this seedy, predatory fucker so.

Tell her that you are concerned about the age gap but that you give her your blessing.

Do you think if you don’t give her your blessing, it’s going to make any difference?

They are both getting something out of this relationship.
She wants to be with him for his money.
It’s not what I would choose or what I would want for my DD but there’s nothing you can do or say that is going to stop her.

I currently have to visit my ex every week in his nursing home. I don’t want to but feel duty bound as he pushed everyone else away. I’m so glad I didn’t marry him.

She doesn't need your blessing - she's 21 and can marry whoever she likes.

The worst thing you could do is push her away.

I would have to warn her against the power/ experience imbalance here.
More than the age gap, which is a canyon more than a gap, is that she is so young. This guy knows it all in life. She has not yet started. He could play her up, manipulate her, control her.... and there would be very little she can do about it. She may not even notice for years!
Ask her to introduce you to this guy. You need to get to know him asap.
I would not forbid, because that will omly push her into his arms.

What type of relationship have they been having so far? Not online is it? Has she been to his place and him to hers? Does she live at home with you?

What type of lifestyle can he offer her?

What’s his relationship history? Does he have kids? Does he want any more?

I would want to find out a lot more about him and his situation and discuss what she wants out of life.

So she will be living off him not working? What when it all goes wrong she will moving back with you and the children she will have? Sure call me cynical

Not that you can do anything about it though

I would keep her close and be studiously neutral (to her) about the relationship. Hopefully it’ll fizzle out. I agree it’s very undesirable.

What? 😂

I would be driven to violence. There is nothing you can do but the only man is disgusting and your daughter will he his carer while she is still young.

There is something in what @HenDoNot has said.

My first husband was 20 years older than me, we got together when I was 20. My parents were by no means happy and did voice their concerns. They were then supportive and treated the relationship as if it were any other. We split (my decision) a year or so after our child was born, married a couple of years at that point.

They were relieved, though have maintained a cordial relationship with him (as have I), because he is my child’s father and isn’t a bad man.

My mum has said in the years since that they were supportive for the duration because they wanted to me to always feel that I could leave, and be supported by them in doing so. They never wanted me to be isolated and therefore trapped.

I also don’t think there would be any “lifestyle” a man could give me at 21 that would make up for him being in his 50s. I would not even be able to talk to him!

Agreed.

She will VERY regret in the future my husband is 30 years older than me. I would do everything now to go back and make different decision but I was also in my 20s stupid and naive. Now I would like to have somebody in my age but they prefer younger.

I would tell her that her news has come as a bit of a shock and you need some time to gather your thoughts. This will guard against you blurting out how you feel in a moment of high emotion and upset.

Then I would play the long game here:

Tell her you're glad she's told you and that you understand she must have felt apprehensive about your reaction.

Tell her you love her and always have her best interests at heart.

Tell her that while you can't pretend you're thrilled about the relationship, she's an adult and will make her own choices - you'd very much like to meet her boyfriend and get to know him.

Then I would invite him over for a meal so you can get the measure of him. Don't mention the engagement and let this play out in the hope that she will come to her senses. On no account would I be issuing ultimatums or pushing her away. Keep her close and don't let her be isolated from her family.

The worst thing you could do is not give her your blessing and create space between you.

you want to step towards her. Not the relationship. Her. Really try and keep her close. Be vague about him. Smile and nod. Vague agreeableness. Stick to her like glue and really be there for her emotionally.

Disgusting. Nothing you can do though. Just keep close with her and pray they break up. Don’t try and drive a wedge between them as it could make things worse.

I wouldn't be happy, but I would neither encourage or discourage.

I would try to keep the lines of communication open, so that she would feel comfortable to confide if things go wrong.

The question was “AIBU to give her my blessing?” That’s why people have voted that OP is being U.

Really? Once she hits 18 she’s a fully mature adult, capable of making wise decisions then?
I would tell her that it is disgusting- equally from her side. Ask her if she is after a sugar daddy because that’s exactly what it is. Gross.

I'd focus any concern (to her) on the speed of the relationship and how there is no rush to get engaged to anyone. I'd try not to even mention the age gap - this is something she has no say in, but the pace of the relationship she does.

I'd definitely have him round for a family dinner. See how he is with her, and with you. She may see things differently if she sees him as closer in age to her parents than herself around the dinner table. Maybe reminisce with him a bit about music in the early 80s?

My first boyfriend was 33 and I was 19 - if my parents had come out against it I guarantee that would have driven me closer to him. Instead it fizzled out naturally in the end.

I agree with other posters, play the long game. The last thing you want to do is give him scope to isolate her. I'd have one calm conversation about your concerns then say your happy if she's happy. Always keep the door open for her. I'm now two years in to virtually the same situation. It's hard.

I really wouldn’t .