help with friendship issue

[Clothesairerinmywindow]

I feel embarassed writing this as I am middle aged and thought I was beyond friendship issues..
I have a friend who supported me through the worst time in my life- then when I started to recover, she basically stepped right away, became very cold etc
It was terrible, and actually felt very very hurtful- I have worked through it (mostly) now in therapy (I was having therapy for PTSD from an earlier event)
She is a rescuer, doesn't cope well when people don't need her anymore etc etc
We now have a very superficial coffee date every 6 weeks type of relationship which feels like duty and maybe one or two texts in a week

She is now ill, with something difficult- and I am struggling how to support - she has put a big distance between us - but I do owe her a lot

How do you navigate something like this?

Give her the space she wants. Maybe the support she gave you was a burden and too much for her.

If she actually wants your support, you should offer it.

Otherwise this friendship sounds completely one-sided.

I definitely have given her the space

Without going into it too much- the support wasn't a burden, the distancing really did stem from when I didn't 'need' her as much

I still wanted her as a friend, but when the power dynamic changed , it all changed

It never was , which is why the distancing was so hurtful. It was really like family for many many years then a cooling, she had done it to other friends through the time I had known her, which I can now see looking back on it

This is about her now so regardless of how you feel or if you feel you owe her for the help she gave you, she might not want help. Everyone deals with illness in their own way, some want a fuss some don’t. I think all you can do is message or call her let her know you are here for her if she needs some support and for now leave it at that. She has already put distance between you so I’d say just respect that she wants some space however hurtful you may find that

This is still about you though isn't it?

If she wants you support you should return the favour.

It's about her now.

Seems fairly normal .. you are “extra involved” when someone is struggling and needs support.. you then go back to “regular friendship” once they are through it.

What was the timescale from her supporting you to now?

It's possible she was worried and concerned about her own health and the two of you didn't have the right dynamic for her unburdening herself on you?

Are you sure she didn't feel a bit rejected or cast away by you when you didn't "need" her so much? One person's "I'm glad I'm no longer such a burden to her," could be another person's "she's stopped calling when she doesn't need me."

What form did her support take - did she do practical things like take you places and cook for you or was she a listening board for you? Normally people treat others well in the way they would like to be treated, so I would do my best to mimic that. If she gives thoughtful gifts, get her a gift, if she is practical then offer practical help like childcare and lifts to hospital.

I'm really not trying to make it about me, it feels akin to threads where people have to support family members they find difficult etc..

Does she need/want your support? Has she reached out for it? If so, then give it.

If not, then why is it an issue?

This is really useful

The stepping away took the form of when i joined clubs (I joined the WI and a local womens group) so I could have more of a life, she felt that I didn't need her as much and I was disloyal, even though I invited her to everything and was proud that she no longer had to look after me so much . (I was very very low after 3 close bereavements in 4 months)

Ok this sounds very sensible actually

I think female friendships wax and wane over the years and it's healthy to have a 'cooling off' period after a period of intensity. I get you though OP, that cooling off can be difficult to process if youre a sensitive person as it feels hurtful. I would be really explicit with her and say you want to support her the way she supported you. Often 'rescuer' types are needy and they give love and care because they want to receive it back. But then find it difficult to actual accept care from others because it never feels good enough or on the same level as what they've given. It's a tricky dynamic but just keep trying to be there for her in whatever way you think would help her feel loved.

This absolutely sums her up

I have really tried to reciprocate - but I am never good enough (and I have seen her be like this with other family and friends) wise advice thank you!

I think you need to concentrate on keeping yourself well.
If you have had therapy and are working on yourself, joining groups/making connections is really, really important. It is vital for you.
Yes, your friend has been very supportive, but that was her choice. You don’t owe her anything other than being a good friend in return.
If she doesn’t want to join in and resents you for it, then again, that is her choice.
If she doesn’t want you around, that’s her choice.
You cannot be held to ransom because someone has helped you during a very difficult time.
Have a look at Mel Robbins’ Let Them theory - she has a book about it and there are a few YouTube interviews about it, too.
You can only choose your reactions. Tell her you care for her, that you are there to help if she needs anything and then leave it with her.

Thank you

This feels really calm advice - I will check that book out

If you’d like to support her and have the capacity to do so, you could ask how she’d like to be supported. You might say something like, ‘You helped me so much when I was in need, and I’d love to do the same for you.’ Then, ask directly, ‘How can I best support you right now? Would you prefer practical help, for me to check in with you, or something else?’

Your perspective of her being a rescuer why is it framed like that? From her perspective is she always there for people who need her but maybe she feels like she gives so much of herself that afterwards she needs a break? What did she say to inform you she felt rejected when you joined groups and didn't need her anymore. Could it not be that you joined groups and didn't need her anymore/as much so she then took that time to refill her own cup?

Regardless though- send her a message- check in! Ask what what support she wants or needs?

great advice thank you

I see familiarity in myself here. I'm in long term therapy. I have a habit of people pleasing and attracting and allowing behaviour that's unacceptable.

In my dynamics, I have been around people with narcissistic personality type traits and worse up to sociopathic level. I can be a dick. I am not up that end of the behaviour scale however, unlike many people in my sphere ( no coincidence).

The way this situation makes you feel tells me you're similar to me. This tells me, you have to be a bit careful with this person. I feel they make you question yourself and feel guilty for things you don't even know you should be guilty about.

So this dynamic is in fact not particularly helpful to you. It is a good thing that there is distance whilst you still continue working on yourself.

You can be kind and decent and offer to visit or offer anything you feel comfortable with. And you can rest assured you're doing all you can and being decent. If you are consistently feeling punished ( I imagine they will do this to you very subtly), then it's a sign to pull away. Get those boundaries in place and stick to them.

Cultivate all your other friendships and hobbies OP. It's important for your wellbeing.

wow this is such a good understanding of it- especially the bit about being punished and not knowing why

People who are slightly further along the personality scale towards narcissism, well, they do this.

They are also magnets to those who are people pleasers, prone to excessive guilt, people who may have struggled setting boundaries. Any display you therefore make of independence and/or boundary setting is going to invoke a strong reaction - usually passive aggressive displays intended to make you feel guilty and question yourself over things you actually have nothing to feel guilty about.

I'd look up the different types of narcissistic behaviour and the magnetic attraction to people pleasers and it will probably resonate quite a bit.