To try to explain death to a 3 year old.

[BreastfeedingWedding]

3 year old not listening. Will rush about wantonly when trying to get him in the car.

Today also holding an immobile babe whilst trying to get him to stay still long enough to put babe down to then put him in car to be secured.

Had to grab on to his jacket and then try again to explain that cars are bad and that he will run over and die. Somewhat a hard to explain concept involved a brief explanation that you would be flattened and never able to have a biscuit again, go to the farm, or see mummy and daddy.

DP said very harsh. But is it?! Surely children need to know what death is and that a car will kill you?

But maybe I am wrong! I don’t think he gets it so he’s not scarred yet but should I continue trying to explain that when he tries kill himself or not?

You can’t reason with someone that young! The only answer is to put them in a harness and on reigns

Far too young to explain to

Reins.

My son was bolting for a time and then we started playing red light, green light. He responds much better now and stops when asked. He's 2.5 atm.

3yos can’t understand death, and you can explain the importance of not misbehaving without getting into that discussion. If you want to talk about risks, you could say he might be hurt (which he will understand). But really you don’t need to persuade him to behave- just tell him once nicely, once firmly and then a consequence. The kind of reasoning you’re trying to get him to do is too complex for 3.

Regarding the car I have a rule the child most likely to bolt needs to be secured first. You need to have a strategy for the baby whilst you secure your toddler. E.g. keep car seat in the house, and put baby in there whilst in the house. So you can set him down near the car, quickly secure 3 year old, and then revert back to baby. Or use your pram if easier.

He needs reins OP. We have a Mumsnetter who lost her child through not realising this.

Keeping your child safe is not bad parenting.

I think he'd understand more if you said things like getting squashed, breaking his body/ getting injured and focussed on it hurting a lot and making him cry.

Your 3 year old is not going to understand in those terms. If you’ve got a runner, you need to put the baby in a baby carrier and a harness or reins on the toddler. Or at least be able to hold his hand. I have a little backpack with a rein for my own toddler - yesterday we were walking by the road and I had to say “you must hold Mummy’s hand when walking” but the reins are a useful back up.

He is too young to understand danger. You have to physically hold him, either with your hand or reins or a buggy or similar.

if you are giving instructions, keep them simple and positive. Eg “put your hands on the car. Right here. Keep your hands there while I sort baby. Keep holding the car. Make sure the car doesn’t run away. Great job. I’m nearly done. Good holding on. …

Could you put the 3 year old in the car - as in just open the door for him to climb in and then close it behind him (with child lock on so he can’t escape) while you go round the other side with the baby? That way he is contained in the car at least? Or would he likely climb over into the front or something?
Could you make it into a game somehow to see if he or baby can be in their seat first? (Obviously he would win every time)

I had a three year old runner. Put yours in reins as I did mine. If he screams and kicks off, tough. Safety first always.

I think they can't conceptualise death at this age. I personally don't shy away from introducing death at this age, just think that in this context it's not likely to be useful for changing behaviour because he literally can't make the cognitive link you're asking him to.

Some things which I have found useful:

• Asking the older child to clamber through the car to their seat in a race against me. Might mess up the car but at least they're safely inside it!

• Making a game out of moving up and down the side of the car whilst always having at least one hand on the car, and going "statue still" when I turn to look over, with lots of theatrical acting re my surprise at their flawless execution of this challenge

• Giving them a safe object to run towards and back (but obviously depends on location if this is possible)

• Explaining clearly when it will be okay to run around crazily, or how long our journey will be, or what is happening next. Because I sometimes think this crazy unsafe energy they have right before getting in the car is sort of related to anxiety about the transition eg is this my last chance to run and play, where are we going etc etc

I do give road safety explanations but more along the lines of you could get squashed and get a big ouchy that really hurts. Because I think that's basically as much as they can understand. Sometimes finding opportunities for them to lecture me on road safety helps the message to sink in. Or chances for them to help with road safety - catchphrasing really helps with this like "look right, left, right, no cars coming, let's cross!" is something they can join in with, or "we're in a carpark! Everybody hands on the car!" Etc

Good luck it's tough with a toddler and a new baby

My 3yo understands death to a reasonable degree but I just say she will get squashed if she gets hit by a car and also impose a negative conscience if she runs off such as having to hold onto me/the buggy etc if
she does. I have a 1yo and now my older is nearly 4 and we’ve been through it I know she will wait safely. Beforehand I left one of them in the house in a safe space until the other was safely buckled in.

I thought you were trying to explain the death of a grandparent or pet to a toddler. They are far too young to be threatened with the concept of death, unless you want to give them nightmares.

Put the baby in a sling or strap them into their car seat indoors. Hold the toddler's hand and put them into their car seat first. Chat to them about where they are going, what they've been doing etc. Then put the baby into the car. Keep the toddler on the pavement side of the car.

Agree on the baby reins. I used them for all my kids. There is no point trying to explain the concept of death to a small child. It will mean nothing, you need to ensure he is safe, and not in a dangerous situation as he is too young to listen.

I started explaining death at around that age. But in a factual compassionate way not as a threat. I wouldn't want to teach him to fear death like that as it will make it even harder for him when a loved one dies.

Thanks all,

Ok completely unreasonable of me! Hadn’t thought about death as a concept beyond the threat of his death vs. impact of what happens with the death explanation if someone else passes 😓 A sad thought! Sorry for anyone having to navigate that 🌷

Yes I need to sort a sling and/or reins!

It depends on your kid’s level of understanding. My DD must have been younger than that when I pointed to a squashed frog on the road and said “look, they must have forgotten to look and wait”. She understood and wasn’t traumatised.

DS on the other hand had very little understanding at that age and still at 10 has zero impulse control. It was about restraint for him, until we could build a reflex of waiting at the edge. Which we did by consistently ALWAYS waiting, regardless of whether it was safe. Always. It’s now just part of the process. Took a really long time though, and I’d still not let him cross alone.

They don't understand it. Our dog died and my 2yo and 4yo have no idea what happened except the dog was in a hole. They thought he was asleep.

I talk about the need to stay safe and not be hit by a car because you'll get hurt and need to go to hospital (rather than because you'll die).

A 3 year old does not have the capacity to understand what death means. It's enough to say if a car hits you, it will hurt you badly. Concentrate on securing the 3 year old in the car first, then do baby.

I have seen a photo of a woman with magnetic flowers on the side of her car and the kids having to have one hand on their flower at all times as she got them all secured. Perhaps you could have Bluey and he needs to be told where you are all off to.

Sometimes, you have to do stupid things outside of the normal box.