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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Still grieving

20 replies

Catarinabella · 23/03/2025 20:09

My partner died very suddenly, 3 years ago. He was the love of my life, for over 20 years, we didn’t marry. No will, unfortunately, His children were next of kin, although they were estranged before his death. My love had his funeral in his home country, which he would have wanted. His children banned me from the funeral and I’m finding it so very hard to accept. We spent months over decades in his overseas village home, very happily, 1/2 of my life was there. I was at his bedside, in hospital when he died x don’t know what I’m asking for. GP has prescribed anti depressants. I’m retired, have loving close family and great friends. Get out and about, loyal hound. But can’t seem to get closure, Had counselling.

OP posts:
TheDandyKhakiDuck · 23/03/2025 20:13

It’s very hard to lose your partner. I lost my husband suddenly 9 years ago and it was probably only around 2 years ago that it really stopped dominating my thoughts. And must be so hard to have missed out on the funeral - have you processed how you really feel about that? Any anger for example? Be really kind to yourself and very patient Flowers

Do you ever talk about the whole thing with anyone? Is more counselling an option, or perhaps a support group?

Catarinabella · 23/03/2025 20:14

TheDandyKhakiDuck · 23/03/2025 20:13

It’s very hard to lose your partner. I lost my husband suddenly 9 years ago and it was probably only around 2 years ago that it really stopped dominating my thoughts. And must be so hard to have missed out on the funeral - have you processed how you really feel about that? Any anger for example? Be really kind to yourself and very patient Flowers

Do you ever talk about the whole thing with anyone? Is more counselling an option, or perhaps a support group?

Thank you for replying x

OP posts:
Seawolves · 23/03/2025 20:18

I am three years in too and finding it harder than years one and two, I can't begin to imagine how hard it was for you being banned from his funeral that seems so unkind. Are you able to access any kind of peer support? I have found that probably the biggest help.

CharlotteCChapel · 23/03/2025 20:21

My mum died over 25 years ago . I'm still grieving for her.

Losing a loved one is devastating

Smokeyblueblack · 23/03/2025 20:23

I'm really sorry for your loss OP.

My DH died very suddenly, many years ago now. He went out to work and died on the way there. So for a long, long time after his death I used to expect him to come in the door and shout his normal greeting to me. Even when I moved house I expected him to come home. So I do think the suddeness of the loss plays a part.
And the fact you weren't even able to attend your dear ones funeral also plays a part. That was very cruel of his family to do that because the funeral does help to set you on to the next step of the grieving process. I remember being in total limbo waiting first for the post mortem and then for the funeral . It was a relief to eventually have the funeral.

But grief takes as long as it takes. And everyone grieves differently. There is no right or wrong.
It does eventually get easier OP.
Best wishes to you.

Sansan18 · 23/03/2025 20:25

Grief is so random and unexpected.My partner died unexpectedly almost 2 years ago and I still can hardly believe he's gone.
I'm sure your partner would have really wanted you to be happy regardless of how his family feel.

Catarinabella · 23/03/2025 20:31

Thank you all so much. Just so hard for me, as I know it is for many of us. I’ve done race for life in his memory. Put an inscribed love lock on a bridge that was very personal to us. Counselling hasn’t really helped. First thing in the morning, he’s in my thoughts, last thing at night too, all the hours in between. I do try and keep busy, see friends and family regularly, but such a huge gaping hole in my life.

OP posts:
TryForSpring · 23/03/2025 20:43

You could have a look at The Grief Academy:

https://www.goodgrieffest.com/about/

Eg; https://goodgrieffest.teachable.com/p/home

And Grief cafes:

https://thebereavementcafe.co.uk/about/

They provide insights and community and a different approach to that of counselling. Flowers

chocolatelover91 · 23/03/2025 20:46

I have no advice but want to say I'm so sorry OP. Cannot imagine how you are feeling, but I will say I'm so glad you have close friends and family. Grief has no timeline unfortunately, so go easy on yourself and deal with it in your own time. Sending you lots of love 💕

choccytime · 23/03/2025 20:58

Bless you OP am so sorry for your loss , I miss my Mum every day and she died 28 years ago x

CulturalNomad · 23/03/2025 21:28

Counselling hasn’t really helped

I lost someone very dear to me last year and ended up having a few sessions of grief counseling. While of course it can not change anything, I did find it immensely cathartic being able to openly grieve without being self conscious or worrying about making other people "uncomfortable".

I'm so sorry, but it is just going to take time. It sounds like you are doing all the right things: staying busy, being social, not isolating yourself. Did you decide to start the antidepressants? You may find them helpful if you're really struggling.

One thing that has helped me is making myself try new things. I might visit a new coffee shop or a day trip to somewhere I haven't been before. The whole point is that these places hold no memories so I'm not reminded of the past (and my loss), but instead experiencing something new and making new memories.

There's a time and place for nostalgia and allowing yourself to get lost in those bittersweet memories, but you do have to make sure that you're not exclusively dwelling in the past.

I know it's painful and I'm sorry. You are not alone. Take care.

PalmTreeAngel · 23/03/2025 21:34

Lost my Dad in 2021. I feel quite up and down with it, but it does get better with time and you learn to adjust. It’s harder for my mum as they were together same length as you were. I’m so sorry.

please continue to surround yourself with friends and family… try to focus on hobbies and interests, let yourself feel and be kind to yourself.

PalmTreeAngel · 23/03/2025 21:36

CulturalNomad · 23/03/2025 21:28

Counselling hasn’t really helped

I lost someone very dear to me last year and ended up having a few sessions of grief counseling. While of course it can not change anything, I did find it immensely cathartic being able to openly grieve without being self conscious or worrying about making other people "uncomfortable".

I'm so sorry, but it is just going to take time. It sounds like you are doing all the right things: staying busy, being social, not isolating yourself. Did you decide to start the antidepressants? You may find them helpful if you're really struggling.

One thing that has helped me is making myself try new things. I might visit a new coffee shop or a day trip to somewhere I haven't been before. The whole point is that these places hold no memories so I'm not reminded of the past (and my loss), but instead experiencing something new and making new memories.

There's a time and place for nostalgia and allowing yourself to get lost in those bittersweet memories, but you do have to make sure that you're not exclusively dwelling in the past.

I know it's painful and I'm sorry. You are not alone. Take care.

Agree with this too… try to create new memories, have new experiences so you’re not stuck in the past. Of course it’s ok to think of them and have memories - but you don’t want to stay there x

DiliGaff · 23/03/2025 21:58

I’m so sorry for your loss . Unfortunately, I have no words of advice, because I’m floundering around in the dark, failing miserably to come to terms with my own bereavement.

My sister died 2 years ago, after a relatively short but agonising battle against a very aggressive cancer.

I stayed with her for the last few agonising days of her life, and I’m not sure I will ever fully recover from that. It dominates nearly every thought from the moment I wake up.

i Just don’t know how I will ever recover from this. Life just seems to have a dark cloud. Just as it seems the cloud is easing, a new one comes barrelling in to take its place.

I hope you and everyone else on this thread with a bereavement can eventually find some peace.

Bikergran · 23/03/2025 22:17

Catarinabella · 23/03/2025 20:09

My partner died very suddenly, 3 years ago. He was the love of my life, for over 20 years, we didn’t marry. No will, unfortunately, His children were next of kin, although they were estranged before his death. My love had his funeral in his home country, which he would have wanted. His children banned me from the funeral and I’m finding it so very hard to accept. We spent months over decades in his overseas village home, very happily, 1/2 of my life was there. I was at his bedside, in hospital when he died x don’t know what I’m asking for. GP has prescribed anti depressants. I’m retired, have loving close family and great friends. Get out and about, loyal hound. But can’t seem to get closure, Had counselling.

Is there a grave? If so, I'd go and visit, take flowers, talk to him, have a cry. If not, go to where you were happiest together and say a few words of farewell, throw a flower in the sea......what I'm saying is have your own little ceremony of a sort, to help you along your grief journey. Have you a close friend who would go with you? Sending big hugs.

Catarinabella · 24/03/2025 21:13

Thank you all so very much for your support, love and advice. Such kindness. I’m making a little corner of my garden in his memory, now that weather in uk is finally moving forward into spring x Hopefully will be a bit of comfort, with not being able to visit his grave. He’s in my heart.

OP posts:
Darkmorningsarethepits · 24/03/2025 21:20

Seek out your local hospice if you have one as they often have social groups where other bereaved relatives can find peer support. Ours has a cafe group, walking group, a choir etc.

Also I found having a daily ritual of lighting a candle helped me. It set a time each day when I could remember, grieve, cry if needs be: a special time and activity set aside simply for my loved one. But also knowing I had that at the end of each day somehow stopped the grief being quite so obtrusive during the day as I knew that time was coming up and I could also wait for it iyswim

farmlife2 · 24/03/2025 21:30

I"m sorry the family treated you that way.

Three years is nothing for such a major and close loss. Of course you're still grieving. It took me five years after such major kind of loss to be able to say that it was starting to feel easier.

I didn't find counselling helped because it didn't bring the person back. However, it did give me a place to unload.

Holliegee · 24/03/2025 21:40

Grief is like this, a heavy weight that we carry and I don’t think it’s just grief for you, I think maybe you’re feeling abandoned too, by not being part of a funeral where we acknowledge the passing it’s kind of a limbo for you and however it was carried out the not including you is hurtful at a time you are very raw and I think maybe you’re just emotionally shredded.

I think it would help you to think about this new phase in your life, where you live your life with his memory and I think ideally this would begin by you having an ‘official’ goodbye for him, how you’d do that I’m not sure- an example I’d think suitable in my life would be to get a plant for your garden and write a letter thanking him for being in your life or saying anything you want to (nobody is going to read it) then shred it up and plant in the soil of this plant, take a candle and sit and just think for a while, maybe listen to music that you loved and note that day down as your rememberance day of him.
Then begin todo things each day and when he creeps in your mind as he will, think fondly of him for a short period,then carry on.
When you feel you need to, light a candle and think of him.
Then go back about your days - plan things to do that you will enjoy or take you out of your rut.
This is the chapter of your life that you are writing and anything,literally could happen.

Catarinabella · 25/03/2025 00:03

Thank you for such kindness

OP posts:
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