Considering ending the friendship. AITA??

[MrsMrsL]

Hello hive mind of Mumsnet. First time poster and sorry it's a bit of a long one...

I've been friends with a guy for about 30 years, I'll call him Colin. We've been through thick and thin together and have are/were close. When I had my DS9 we naturally saw less of each other but still maintained the friendship. We have another close friend, I'll call her Anna, and we were always a tightnit threesome. When Anna had her DD6 a similar thing happened with their friendship. He started saying he preferred to hang around with other queer people as they didn't have kids, always maintaining he loved our kids.

Anyway, he became more distant, which I think is natural. He has no desire to have kids and Anna and i both had our hands full. When I did see Colin, he tended to be very catty and judgmental. Not so much judgmental of me, but everything and everyone around us.

Colin and Anna had a bust up last year when he had a long rant at her about how her parenting style was harming her DD and basically told her what a shit Mum she is. She isn't. I kept out of it and they worked things out, but it made me look differently at him.

Then, for my birthday last month Colin invited Anna and I to his house for a meal. Anna and I arrived together and we were sat around the table drinking wine and chatting with Colin and his partner. I was telling Colin about a new artist that I had found and how nice it was to see young people creatively expressing themselves, and he cut me off and said - and this is a direct quote - " I really don't care," and turned and started chatting to his partner. I was too shocked to call him out about how rude he was. And on my birthday!! Art is something we've always enjoyed together so I was taken aback that he completely dismissed me out of hand.

That brings us to today. It's DS's 10th bday next week and Colin wanted to see him to give gifts and have a meal so he invited us to his house. DS plays football on Sundays so Colin agreed to pick us up after practice and drive us to his. DH took DS to football then went to meet up with friends, and I waited at home for Colin. He was late. Not a surprise as he is often late, but it meant that we would be late to pick up DS. We were stuck in traffic (of course) so he said do you wanna get out. I asked if he knew where to drive to catch up and he said we'll work it out. So I ran to the playing field. When I arrived at the field I checked my phone and had 3 messages from Colin saying he was round the corner and where was I? I called him and said I'm at the field and he went ballistic saying he'd pulled up round the corner and was waiting for me. Now, I swear a fair amount, but the language from him was so offensive. He then said he'd come and find us and hung up.

When we eventually found each other he gave me the most sanctimonious look as DS and I hustled across the carpark to where he was parked. I just said "sorry, miscommunication" and tried to move on. I would have just left and gone home, but DS was so excited for our afternoon together that I didn't want to disappoint him. So I tried to carry on as normal, but left as soon as politely possible.

So...

YABU - chill out, he was just pissed off about the miscommunication and reacted naturally

YANBU - he behaved like a dick.

Thanks for reading if you got to the end!

I can guarantee you that Colin has been a dick about you behind your back not just Anna.

Pull away from this manchild. He is unpleasant and you gain nothing.

He does seem to have become very unpleasant. Have you asked him about either incident? Not easy to do but I think I'd at least want to try a conversation before ditching.

He sounds very hard work. And rude. I think this sort of thing would make me go off him.

honestly, this comment covers it completely. The End.

Agreed!

I don’t understand why you don’t challenge him on his rudeness at the time. Bluntly, he sounds fairly unpleasant on a regular basis. Unless you’re regularly rude to him too, and this is normal for your relationship.

He sounds awful, why on earth are you still friends with him?

There's a name for people like Colin. It's Drama Queen.

Colin is a rude and dramatic little bitch

I've ended two very long term friendships because they became snappy, judgemental and bitter, like Colin. I think the rudeness had always been there in the background, but in middle age it seemed to be more frequent.

(They were also both childless and I have DC, so perhaps there was an element of resentment on their part? Although I never really felt it was about the DCs as they all seemed to get on well.)

I don't know why people get like this, but you don't have to put up with it. Let him be some weird grumpy loser on his own.

Sorry, duplicate post.

Some thoughts:

• His argument with your friend isn't really your business and should have no bearing on your friendship with him

• Was the offensive language he used directed at you? Or is he just a sweary person in general? Either way, it's not hard to say something in the moment, if you don't like the way he's expressing himself. If he's sweary, laugh it off with a "alright, no need to swear - DS can hear you!". If he's being serious , you tell him "That's enough. I don't appreciate being spoken to like that. You were the one who was late, remember?" Assert yourself.

• If you don't like his catty attitude, shut it down when it shows up in conversation. You can be nice about it, but be consistent. Change the subject when it happens and don't engage.

• It sounds like this guy is actually making quite an effort to stay in touch with you, despite the natural drift. He invited you for dinner, and he made the effort for your son's birthday. He wouldn't do that if he didn't value your friendship.

• I'm guessing the "I don't care" was probably another instance of miscommunication. Especially as you say art was always a shared interest before. He might be annoyed at you. Do you make as much effort to maintain the friendship as he does? Do you show much interest in his life, or do conversations tend to become a bit me me me without you realising it, and all about the kids? It might be worth asking him how he is and if there's anything he wants to talk about. 30 years is a long friendship and you say you've been together through "thick and thin". Maybe he feels the friendship has become a bit one sided since you had kids, and his feelings are hurt.

I'm sure most of the thread will tell you he's an arsehole and to ditch him, but thirty years is a long friendship to throw away. Minor issues like this can be worked on, if you both want to.

People change.

Hi all thanks for all the comments. To answer some questions

• I do call him out on catty behaviour. I do it gently and he generally gets that I don't want to bitch about people.

• We're still friends because we have been a close-nit support system for a long time. We have both lost siblings and have cried on each others' shoulders in our shared grief, amongst other things.
• I make a concerted effort to not blather on about the kids all the time. Generally when we meet up we spend the first 10-15 mins talking about our families, then talk about our shared interests, reminisce about the good old days, discuss politics, current affairs, etc.
• He does make an effort to keep in touch, and so do I. I'd say it's around 50/50 arranging to meet up just us two or with Anna too.
• We're not ever rude to each other. We take the piss and have a laugh, but it never (or very rarely) gets personal.

The drama queen comments are also pretty on point. He occasionally does drag, and Anna and I no longer go to see him as he turns into such a bitch when in costume, even before getting into character.

I think I'm going to take a few days to cool down then arrange to meet on neutral ground for a chat and see how that goes.

Sounds like things are generally pretty good between you two, and there is scope to fix this. It might be worth talking to him about the bitchiness, if you can find a way to tell him how off-putting you find it, that doesn't sound like you're judging his personality. (Difficult, I know. But you don't want him to become defensive and stop hearing you.) Otherwise it might be best to handle it the way you have been - by diverting him, or just avoiding situations that bring out that bitchy side of him.

If you've been friends for thirty years and he wasn't like this before, I do still think there might be something going on with him. Often judgemental behaviour comes from insecurity, bitterness comes from unhappiness . . . you know how it goes. Sometimes we can get so comfortable with our friends we fall into the same old conversational patterns, and forget to really check in with each other. If he's being a bit shallow and bitchy, maybe he's spending too much time online and needs more meaningful connection in his life. Or, alternatively, maybe this all ties back to the fight with Anna, and he's got the hump with you because he thinks you took her side. The only way to know is to ask, really. Good luck! I hope you can work it out