How family-ish are you as a family?

[Ohlookitsarainbow]

Feeling sad that Dd, 6, won’t have a similar family upbringing
My family weren’t perfect, but I have lots of happy memories of us all sat round the tv on Saturday nights (parents & my two siblings) or Sunday dinners or family board games at the table, things like that.
Dh and me aren’t getting on well at the moment, but even when things are ok, he doesn’t really participate in these sorts of things for long and certainly doesn’t suggest them or plan anything.
Small example is Dd getting excited now about Britains got talent on a Saturday and staying up for the whole show with a treat takeaway. He sit with us to eat the takeaway, but then shortly after will disappear upstairs or in the other room on the computer. Also, we just don’t do games as a family, Ive tried really hard but there’s never much enthusiasm so I’ve given up.
I feel extra sad about it as Dd doesn’t have siblings there either, it just feels like a different upbringing, I really want her to look back with fondness of us all together

How many things do you do together as a family? What other things do you do? Or am I being ott in trying to push/organise things?

we do a lot of family movie nights and games on the switch together, board games etc but it's just me and 2 kids (8 and 11)
when there dad lived here he never wanted to join in or spend time together and it bought a really negative energy to the household imo

What about other family?

Britain's got talent is rubbish, I can't blame him.
A film maybe.

Britain's got talent is rubbish, I can't blame him.
A film maybe.

It’s not about BGT though is it? It’s that he won’t sit there for an hour to create this fun family activity for his DD.

I would be having serious words. Fair enough, BGT is shit so does he want to watch gladiators then weekly as a family? What games does he like? There are plenty for a family of three. Blokus is a good start.

My dad was rarely around for these sorts of things. He’d be in the living room with us but only watching his programmes while we happened to be there. Otherwise it would just be Mum and me watching stuff we actually wanted to watch together, but never with Dad.

We don’t watch tv together apart from films. Sometimes on a rainy day we do our own film club and all watch together with popcorn, sweets and a big blanket. We don’t play many games either as it’s not really our thing but we do have a lot of family time with days out. Every weekend we are mostly out for meals and days out Saturday and Sunday so that’s our family time. We did say recently now the kids are a little older we might start watching Ant and Decs Saturday night tv programme altogether as we think they’ll enjoy that

What would happen if you asked him to choose an activity for you all to do? You could all take it in turns picking something and everyone goes along with it as long as it’s not wildly unsuitable.

Does he have any hobbies DD could be involved with in some way? Like age appropriate games if he’s into gaming or something like that?

If he really won’t take part go ahead and do stuff with DD, she won’t know any different and still have happy memories.

FWIW my Dad never, ever did anything with us as children but I get on fine with him now I’m in my 40s and he’s in his 70s. We actually have lots in common but it took until I was well into my 30s to realise it, which I guess is a bit sad but better late than never! ExH is similar, I remember a trip to the zoo when he went back to the car halfway through.

We have a nearly 15 month old. Family is really important to both of us. Dinner is eaten at the table together every evening, sometimes lunch and breakfast too as my husband works mostly from home. We do activities together every weekend like swimming, soft play, farm, just a walk to the park or beach etc

My husband never plays video games when our son is awake, that is saved for evenings when he’s asleep.

Yeah, I hear you, I had similar growing up and my sister has recreated it with her family, but it is what it is. I get 1:1 time with dc playing games like chess or dobble, we watch stuff together and we go to festivals and visit places together. if I had more dc I couldn’t afford to do those things and they are lovely quality time together.

Even if I were with her dad he would have no interest in doing those things. Her stepdad and GPs play from time to time though, and I just have to accept that she has a very different shaped family to the one I grew up in, so her experiences will be very different as well- but that doesn’t mean they’re not fun or valuable.

You can create something wonderful with your DD even if your DH doesn’t help.
get her to help cook a meal or bake a cake

We live in another country so only see them a few times a year. Even if we lived back in the uk I don’t think my parents would be at ours on a Saturday night for example, do people do that?

Did it bother/affect you?

I think we were more family-ish years back when we only had 2 kids. Then we had 4 and it’s just harder to do stuff that everyone likes. The older 2 are adults now and I don’t think we did as much with the younger two. I personally hate board games. Youngest ds doesn’t want to watch movies or anything. The only things we do are sports related. Going to matches. Then there’s holidays and meals out.
I also remember tv shows, movies and games etc when I was kid but I didn’t have a phone/PS5 etc.

Do your own traditions with dd. My dh does lots with us, if he didn’t I’d have divorced him. We do things separately too, but it’s rare. I’ve just booked a holiday for me and dds who are teens to my parents home country (both departed now) to let them see what I did when I was a kid.
We go roasts on a Sunday, takeaway Fridays, We sit for dinner together, theatre, cinema, weekends away etc.

Some of my best childhood memories are of “the little things” with my dad.
He worked bloody hard, shift work in a manual labour job when I was little, so we didn’t see a lot of him Mon-Fri, but when my mum worked Saturday mornings, that was our special time with dad - even if it was just huge bowls of cereal and Saturday morning cartoons sometimes 🤷🏻‍♀️
He taught us to ride our bikes, taught us to swim, took me to my first premier league football matches, played Barbie’s with us etc
My ultimate special memory was Saturday nights. We’d be sent to bed, and I’d stay awake until I heard mum go to bed. That was when mine and dad’s special code would come into effect: he’d turn the tv volume up just enough so I’d hear the Match Of The Day theme tune, and that was my cue that mum was in bed and I was safe to sneak downstairs and watch with him. Usually I’d fall asleep on his lap about 20 mins in, but still 🤷🏻‍♀️ It was something special that was just for me and him.

Does he make time for your child in other ways?
Even if it’s just kicking a ball around the garden?!

My husband hates all games and any sort of popular tv. Just wants to watch dark police thrillers and sport. But he’s a good husband in so many other ways - I focus on that.

Do the nice, fun telly stuff with your daughter and let her have friends round and do it with them too.

We do breakfast and dinner together most nights (DH misses 2 morning and 3ish dinners for work). Friday night we start a movie together and usually I go to bed partway through. On the weekends we’ll do at least one outing, usually 2. But our kids are little so it’s quite different.

Xh was very absent too.
Separated parents are a better normal sometimes.
So when it was his weekends he had no choice.
Worked for everyone.

This is my thinking.

I don't consider 'watching TV together' a 'special' thing to do. I don't remember doing that with my Dad, but there were other 'special things' that we would do with him....even something as mundane as going to the tip, was made into a "Special Mission" that he needed "a co-pilot" for. We went to football together - again, our special thing. My dh took our dc camping - far more special to them than having him sit next to them tolerating something he doesn't want to watch. He'd go out in the garden and teach them how to set a fire. He'd take them rock climbing or kayaking.
I think you have a very narrow view of creating 'special time' with your family, OP.

We've also got 1 DC - he's still quite young (3.5y) but we do little things together like baking, or gardening as a family, as that's what we're interested in. I think kids are most engaged when they can feel that you're really into it.
I remember my mum would set up little science 'experiments' for us when we were kids, which was so much fun.
Has your DH got any interests that could be shared? Or is it more of a case that he's just not interested at all? (my father wasn't interested at all and literally never spent time with us but my mum's enthusiasm helped to balance that out hugely!)

No need to be so rude.

He does other things with her separately, but I’m talking about things we can all do together in the house (I did mention other activities too, such as board games)

Did it affect you at all that he wasn’t involved?

Mine was the same, he was having an affair for 4 years.

I don't think you're being unreasonable op, you're trying to create nice wholesome moments for your child that reinforce a sense of security and stability.

My family were quite dysfunctional but those are the moments that I really enjoyed and my mum didn't often want to do board games for example and it did make me feel disappointed.

I personally would be questioning the continued phone and computer use. My ex was like that and then I found out he was talking to other women online. So I would be questioning what he's doing and why it's taking so much of his attention away from his family. I personally would dig a little to sus it out first and then speak to him about it. Not saying its necessarily anything untoward but i would want the peace of mind.

I think it would be important for you both to talk about your experiences of childhood growing up - did he do those things with his family or if not what did they do that he remembers as wholesome that he would like to recreate. Or what did he wish they did looking back now. For example it may not have been board games and TV in their house but maybe it was sport or being outdoors etc. I'd want to find out what he thinks dds experience of a family should look like and how can you work together to create that. I'd approach it from a place of curiosity to start with just incase he genuinely doesn't realise why a present parent is so important. And then once you've explored it I would get a bit tougher with him if it didn't change. If he's resistant to bgt for example you could take it in turns to decide what everyone is doing for family time each week so you and he both have the opportunity to share your interests with dd as well.