He’s left again. Amicable vs doormat

[Lmlrts]

Hello
So long story short. Partner walked out. Have kids together. I was hurt by how he did it.
So now I need some advice on being amicable but not a doormat. I’ve set boundaries and said he can see his kids obviously. I’m so angry with him right now that I’m finding it hard to decipher between being amicable and being a doormat. I only respond to messages about the kids that need a response. It’s also difficult as he wants to see his kids every night and I’m sure they’d love to see him every night but I also have to move on with my life. But I don’t want to upset my kids. How did you get over a break up when you have children?

How old are the kids and does he live nearby?

Yanbu to want a contact schedule so that the kids see both parents but at both homes so that you can do things like plan ahead.

I would talk to him and suggest that you get a Child Arrangement Order that formalises this and allows you to do things like take the kids on holiday for a couple of weeks without having to phone him every day and ask for permission etc

Don’t allow access to DC in your home.

Tell him you can make them available according to a schedule that suits you but is reasonable. Then if he turns up randomly he is ignored or you are out.

I would suggest two evenings a week and every other weekend perhaps?

He can’t force you to allow access in your home, and if he wants more access you either negotiate and agree, or he goes to court.

I am assuming you aren’t married. What’s your housing situation? How old are DC?

Depends on ages of children and what he's able/prepared to do.. eg he has them every other weekend and a night or 2 in the week, picking them up from school/nursery. It doesn't have to be at your home.
What is he suggesting? You say he wants to see them every night but not when or where. He's walked out on the family. It doesn't mean he can carry on as usual, having you arranging everything and facilitating his life, waltzing in to your home when it suits him and then back off out again leaving you looking after the DC every night. This is his problem to solve.

He cannot come and go as he pleases.

Some people do manage contact where the kids stay put and the parents move about (it’s called bird nesting) but not in a ‘drop in when you fancy’ way.

So he's left before? He's not being fair on you by not allowing you to move on. Like the previous poster said, don't let him in your home to keep contact with your dcs. Also it might not be convenient for you. You have a life too.
Sorry you're going through this. Don't let him control you in this way. You are important too. He chose to leave. He has to accept that he won't see the dcs as much. Stay in control. Don't be a doormat. You're worth so much more x

By 'he wants to see his kids every night,' does this mean he wants to be round yours having dinner, watching telly on your sofa etc etc as in all the comforts every evening - while still getting to have his own life too?

He's pushing your boundaries, bulldozing what is now your space, not his.

They're his kids, so if abuse isn't an issue there's no reason to deny them time together.

So does he have his own place that's suitable for kids? He will have to adjust to having them some evenings, feeding them properly himself.

Are there places nearby they can meet up at weekends?

If he leaves the family, he doesn't get to see the kids every night. That's one of the consequences of the choice that he made.

You need to come to an agreement about how visitation will work, do you want 50/50 or something else?

How old are the kids?

Whats the situation with the house you live in currently? Is it mortgaged or rented? How’s names are on what?

Where is he currently living at the moment?

You need to start a conversation about custody going forward. Will he want 50/50?

Tell him it’s not working having him see the kids around you any more as it’s upsetting for you being around him and it’s confusing to the kids.

I would start with him having them for a full day over the weekend and a sleep over if he’s staying somewhere suitable and he could also pick them up from school 1/2 days a week and have them for dinner and either drop them back to yours for bedtime or have them sleep over if again, hes got somewhere suitable to stay.

No access to the dc in your house; he needs to keep on being a parent, not just a visitor (with you having to host). Settle on how often he takes them, then he actually takes them, and you get a break.

Hello
Thank you for your replies. The kids are school age children. He’s moved into his mum’s as he always goes back there. She enables it as never tells him if he’s in the wrong just loves him going back so she can cook for him and will also do his washing etc. He won’t have to lift a finger while there. He had the kids this weekend there. I will say they can go there every other weekend and a night in the week. It will actually enable me to be able to work a bit more too. With regards to the house we have a joint mortgage. I want him to pick the kids up from outside and drop them off to run in the house. Am I allowed to say he can’t come in the house if he half owns it? I also don’t want much contact. Again I have to be amicable because of the children, but he messages all the time to say about their day if he has them or to ask how they are if I have them. I trust him with them so have no need to know/ask what they are doing when they are with him and he should do the same with me. Not much contact will enable me to move on with my life. So far I’ve just done a short polite reply.

He can’t see the kids in your house. Suggest a contact schedule, eg whole day at weekend, whole weekend (assuming he has somewhere suitable for them to sleep) every second weekend. 2 evenings a week during the week (not in your house) - even collect from school and bring home at bedtime.

It is perfectly acceptable to lay ground rules.

You have split and are no mom get a couple so new routines need to be established.

He doesn’t get to come into your personal space now he is no longer your partner. Make this clear that you’re not stopping him from seeing the children by saying this you are just putting up personal boundaries now that you’re separated as a couple.

Let him know that you don’t need a play by play of the kids every move. Unless there is an issue or something has happened you’re happy just to hear about the kids days from them when you see them.

He doesn’t get to decide this relationship is over yet still come and go as he pleases from your personal space.

Remind him that will all this being said, your main aim is for the children to be happy and safe and for you both to be able to transition into co parenting rather than being in a relationship.

I’m having a massive struggle and blip today, I’ve been feeling strong until today. Just miss him today. Anyone there for some words of wisdom?

Sorry to hear about your situation - you sound like you are wanting the best for the kids which is good obviously. When you say about missing him are you really missing him or having another adult there? Was he a good partner and father?

How long has it been? It’s sounds early days so a blip is not unexpected.

its not your house only if you both own it. You would need to sell and split the money. Otherwise it is still his house as well unfortunately

This.
If you were married and now getting divorced, the court would make sure that there were proper arrangements for A) finances and B) contact.
As you are not married, you have to sort this out between you. You can still get a court order for contact, but if things remain amicable this may be an unnecessary expense.

You do however need to separate your finances, which means either you buy him out of his share of the house, or you sell it and split the proceeds.

He should also be paying child maintenance - look for the applicable rates on line, and if he doesn't or won't pay reliably and regularly, go through the CMS.

Contact should not take place in your home (another reason you need to sort the financial side asap, as currently it is still his home too).
He should collect them on the doorstep, or you drop them off at his, or he can collect them from school if you let the school know what to expect.