Husband is deliberately obnoxious

[SpringCleanY]

DH is deliberately obnoxious and says deliberately shocking, offensive stuff to rile me up.

Examples from this morning-

In the car - he stroked my thigh then tried to put his hand further up, pulled it away saying it was wet then sniffed his fingers in disgust/mock disgust saying it smelled mouldy!

Passed a woman in a wheelchair and he commented “There goes wheels!” and made a comment about shaving her head so she could look like the character from a certain avengers film.

Talking about a TV show and he refereed to one character as “Japo” as he couldn’t remember her name (she’s Japanese)

Looked at my upper lip and stroked it saying “I’m just keeping an eye that you don’t grow a moustache” WTF

I said WTF! to all comments and he said I’m no fun anymore, I’m so serious and he can’t have a laugh and a joke with me like he used to!

Also he said you know I’m winding you up, I’m deliberately saying these things to rile you up but you are so serious and he/no fun anymore etc.

What are peoples opinions please? I am getting my ducks in a row and have been putting money aside should we split. I just find him so deliberately obnoxious!

He is quite revolting. Get rid! Quickly too.

It is normal when someone has no respect for you and is trying to degrade you. Chuck in some gaslighting that you’re no fun and what you have is contempt.

God: English men and their bantz. What bullshit. Its not funny to be racist or misogynistic.

The comments did not disappoint in any way. I'm cringing so hard for you that I'm practically in pain.

It's really not normal, OP. Think of the nice, decent guys you know. Could you see them behaving like that?

How's it got to this point? He says you're no fun more. Has he always been like this and you've matured but he hasn't? You were blinded by love and didn't notice it was offensive? New behaviour? Just ended up going off him after years of comments that gradually put you off him?

Childish, sexist, racist, filthy pig. He makes me feel sick, he has no respect for himself so none for others.
I cannot put into words what I feel about this creature. Only you know what to do next.

I suspect he’s always been a twat but you’re maybe only seeing it now you’re in peri or meno?

My 14 year old wouldn’t say anything like that because he’s a decent human being. The man is an utter prick.

OP, LTB and don’t look back!

Is it possible that he is trying to push you into flipping out, or leaving, or cheating, or something, so he can make a split your fault and not his?

🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

I’m in no way condoning any of those comments - he’s at best juvenile, at worst a dick who gets a kick out of offending you.

But you did ask why he does it and I have a theory - you’re getting ducks in a row, which likely means there are a number of reasons you want to leave. You may think you’re behaving normally but my guess is that you’ve subconsciously disengaged to a certain level. Even if he hasn’t actually stated that to himself or you I think he’s at least sensing this and he’s trying to get a reaction from you by any means he can.

For him that’s by behaving “outrageously”. He wants to see if you still notice him, care enough to chastise him, are still engaged enough in the relationship to react.

It’s obviously a very stupid tactic and is serving to push you further away.

Or he’s always been like this but you’re now super sensitive to it. Like I say, it’s just a theory.

Have you said No, you weren’t like this before, do you think I’d have married a complete twat?

He's horrible OP. Nobody needs that in their life. 😔🌷

I don’t condone the humour, but each to their own I suppose (in private). Seems like he is maybe trying to reach out to you in his own very clumsy way. Time for some real uncomfortable conversation I think, particularly if you now sleep separately. Is there still anything there that got you two together in the first place?

What I can’t understand is the psychology behind you staying with him. You loathe him so much that can’t even bear to sleep with him. There is no reason for you to stay with this man.

Why do the “jokes” always have to be at someone expense? Does he think ridiculing others is funny?

Next time he does it I’d say to him “it’s giving Little man syndrome” see how he likes it. (I know it sounds immature to use that phrase as I’m older and this is what the kids are saying, but if he googles it, which I imagine he would, it should put him back in his box)

🤮

He's awful. Disgusting POS. If you can financially get out of this marriage, then do. He will get worse not better.

These are his “bids” for connection. Its not the connection that you want but its what is on offer.

I voted YABU because you already know he’s a git & you’re planning to leave him so what opinions do you want?

Has he always been like this? What attracted you to him in the first place?

I agree, it’s like a child trying to get their parents attention - any attention is better than no intention. If you are usually fairly calm and don’t show your emotions around him he may enjoy seeing you fired up and may even get a sexual kick out of it. Or he may be doing it to punish you for his perceived treatment by you.

Does he ever harass you for sex? Maybe it’s worth pointing out to him that when he makes comments like this you lose attraction for him. You could also say straight after “And this is why we’re in separate beds!” See if the penny drops?

It may also be worth asking him directly why he likes making you feel uncomfortable. Saying it’s just a laugh is a cop out. If the other person doesn’t view it as such it’s basically bullying. It doesn’t matter if he thinks that’s stupid or doesn’t view it that way - you do. Why would he want you to feel bad if he supposedly loves you? Does he? You’ve asked him to stop so if he cares about you he needs to stop. It’s bordering on emotional abuse.

I’ve read all of OP’s post so far and I am left wondering who the fuck are the 3% who voted that OP was being unreasonable?

Wishing you a happy new life OP.