Lgntq+ Mum here AIBU? Mother’s Day issue

[Flybelo]

Hi.
I am a 40 something bio Mum of an 10 year old. I have been with my now wife for 8.5 years. We’ve been married for 7 years.
She has 3 grown up children and a grandson. Who she takes care of 2 days a week.
no one know we are married. My family do, but she won’t tell her children.
Mother’s Day every year I get her something from my son - and I plan something nice. She never ever does anything for me. Doesn’t even get him to sign a card. Last year me and him were left home alone whilst she went out with her grown up children. So this year I asked her to make sure me and my son weren’t left alone.
her middle daughter has planned a Mother’s Day lunch and guess what? We aren’t invited. As in me and my son. So I’ve been upset and so she’s told them I’m upset and I’ve apologised to them. Not sure why.
But they still didn’t invite us 😂
Now I do a lot to support this family- bear in mind I work full time so my wife doesn’t have to work and she can take care of her grandson - for free. I’m paying all my salary out on rent and bills. I just wanted to be acknowledged for something on one day of the year.
I mean there is more backstory to this, I have moved to another town to be with here and left my friends and support network. I have no one here - Covid sort of didn’t help either. And my job is antisocial 😂
My friends and family are adamant that she is gaslighting me and using me. They think she’s very harsh on me.
Shes taken her wedding rings off, she won’t acknowledge her part in any of it or do anything to make it better.
Today my son needed a haircut. He chose a really cool fade and I am so proud of him - he’s definitely on the spectrum and struggles with things.
She was outside the barbers saying it was a rubbish hair cut and he would need it cutting again in a few weeks. I told her to stop as he really was smiling. She said it’s ridiculous spending the money on a haircut.
Her girls spend 1000’s on extensions, Botox, nails blah blah and I often have treated them by sending money over.
He has a hair cut every few weeks and she’s moaning about the cost.

I want her to leave the home. She pays nothing towards it and I’m miserable and walking around on eggshells.

I think I’m ranting but my marriage is clearly over and I am being made out to be the big bad one in it all

That doesn't sound much of a marriage:
She won't wear a ring or tell anyone you are married.
Her children don't acknowledge you are family. You left your friends / family to live with her and pay for all her living expenses.
She doesn't even buy a mother's day card for your son to sign.
Are there any positives?

The relationship sounds very 'one-sided', with nothing much in it for you.

You say you want her to leave the home. Have you spoken to her about the relationship being over and that you want her to leave? If so, what was the response?

You also said you moved to another town to be with her. Do you want to move to be nearer to your support network/family/friends? Or do you want to remain in the place/town you live now?

Stop being a mug and treat yourself to a divorce for Mother’s Day

It is! I am maybe just realising that it is so one sided! For my son, we will need to stay here -/ he has friends and school.
I think I’ve been trying to be part of a family that I am not even part of!

gosh you’re so right thank you !!

You should never have agreed to a marriage under these terms, OP. What's her justification for keeping your entire marriage a secret from her family?

I could understand this if it was a casual relationship and early days. But for it to have reached the point where she's married to another woman and still won't come out to her daughters? That's pathetic. She using you in every possible way, it seems. You deserve better.

I don't mean to be cruel, but you need to look at how you ended up here, and maybe see someone about your self esteem. Your wife sounds awful, but tolerating this was a you problem, and that needs fixing. Think of your son. He's watching all of this. Don't teach him that love is turning yourself inside out for someone who doesn't love you back.

And if she gives you some "I'm not ready to come out" spiel, tell her to do one.

Not ready to come out means not ready to be in a relationship. And she had no business getting married and mucking your son about the way she has.

I honestly agree. They all know we are a couple. Just she won’t let them know we got married.
I also know it speaks volumes about my self esteem - I actually feel a little more empowered by this so thank you. And empowered by saying to her that I deserve more. And my son deserves the best and I am the one who needs to make sure he’s protected.
I asked her this afternoon what stops her from being honest with her family, she threw it all onto me and said it’s because of my childhood I have the abandonment issues. I absolutely do. But I’ve had years of therapy 😂
Gah. Thanks again

I think you should ask her to move out. She can get a job and support herself, and you can get your own son haircuts in peace.

So she DARVOs you as well when you question her behaviour? Yeah, that stuff messes you up. Good luck @Flybelo i hope you can move onto a nice life for you and your son. You don’t need her.

Glad to hear it! You do deserve better.

If you do have abandonment issues, then a wife who makes the commitment of marriage and then refuses to honour it in public, is only making them worse. If she loves you, she should be going out of her way to prove to you she's in this for keeps. She should be trying to provide the security you need for your fear of abandonment to fade.

Your wife has issues, and I don't think you can fix them, sadly. I'm sorry your marriage has ended like this, but I think it's for the best. You can do better, truly. You don't have to settle for someone who treats you this way.

Nothing to do with being in a gay relationship and everything to do with her being selfish and this relationship not working

This

To be fair your wife is not your Mum so doesn't really have to make a fuss on Mothers Day for you BUT she sounds pretty awful other than that.
It doesn't sound like she adds anything to you and your sons life, make steps to divorce asap

It all sounds bad to me except you not being invited out for mothers day with her children. We almost never see our parents without our step parents, but on mothers day we prefer just our mom for once. I don't think it's any different because you're both women.

Sounds awful OP, I would get out pronto

Mother’s Day isn’t your issue, your entire marriage is.

She doesn’t treat you or your son very well at all. Add in the fact that she doesn’t contribute to the household, her family exclude you and she hides her wedding ring and won’t tell anyone you got married and you’re left with what? An absolute joke of a relationship that is completely one sided. You’re being used.

What’s the situation with the house, can you throw her out? Can you find somewhere local for you and your son if you want to stay in that area now? Or perhaps consider moving back closer to your support network, your son would adjust and it’d be better to do it before secondary school.

Buy her a doormat for Mother's Day, so she stops walking all over you!

It sounds like you're being taken for a mug in this relationship OP. Not sure why you've put up with it for so long to be honest.

I don't think you can force her to move out if the marital home is a joint asset. You need to get legal advice and start the process of separation and divorce.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable that her children want to treat her and just her on Mother’s Day, especially if they don’t even know you’re married. However it would be a bare minimum for her to help your DS to get you something for Mother’s Day.
It sounds like the relationship isn’t working and you’re obviously not happy so I think you need to split up.