To really try to get to know his mum

[MILHELPME]

I’ve been dating a man for the best part of a year and things are getting quite serious and we’re talking about living together at his place.

He’s very very close to his widowed mum and she lives round the corner. She’s not from the U.K., and while her English is perfect, she’s very very reserved and quiet.

I get on brilliantly with his extended family, including his three sisters and their partners.

I cannot for the life of me seem to bond with his mum. I’ve only met her a handful of times. Whenever I’m around her I seem to veer between wittering idiot, gushing child and (unintentionally) so sickly nice that, on reflection, it’s borderline condescending.

I can’t tell if she doesn’t like me or is very shy.

At the same time though, I get so nervous and shy around her (despite being an extrovert that speaks to clients for a living), I can’t really even make the effort, because I can’t think of a single thing to say to her.

I turned up as his house and she was there this week, and I stood there like a gormless idiot after saying hello, as I literally couldn’t find anything to say! This is so unlike me. I could talk to a brick wall!

We’ve tried to invite her places with us but she always declines.

I really want to break this and get to know her as I love the fact he takes good care of his mum and want that relationship to continue if I do move in with him.

What's she like with her daughter's partners?

They’ve all been married 15-20 years so much more relaxed, albeit always still the quietest person in the room.

In that case it might just be a slow burner that happens eventually.

So are you the woman "infiltrating" her family to be with her only son? 😏

Some MILs are very overly protective of their sons.

Hopefully she'll come round in the end.

She sounds quite cold and unwelcoming. Why isn't she making the effort to engage with you in conversation?

I wonder if your nervousness is because of how stand-offish she is with you.

Tbh I wouldn't bother with her much. If she's declining invitations to spend time in your company, that's a pretty clear sign that she doesn't want to get to know you. Match the energy back and accept she isn't bothered (for the time being, at least). Things will either improve with time. Or they won't- but the less invested you are now, the easier that will be to accept.

She sounds like the reason she is so guarded around you stems from a lack of self confidence. Possibly she finds you overwhelming which makes it difficult for her to speak with you. Try not to overthink things. Just be polite, speak less and give her space.