How much does partner help?

[Marie8611]

First a bit of background, I have a three month old baby, I absolutely adore her and have happily signed myself up for motherhood and everything it entails, I’ve gladly given up a great deal of things for this much wanted wonderful little girl whom we have waited a very long time for (fertility treatment, procedures etc). But, I’m just wondering how involved partners are with a new baby? My husband adores her but definitely has the view of it being my job 100% to look after baby. He has her for the occasional feed and nappy change but I even find it hard to encourage him to look after her if I go for a wee, if it’s a shower he’s usually calling upstairs after five minutes wondering where I am. If he has her, I am nearly always doing jobs for her, such as putting a wash on, washing my pump etc. I’m not wanting to go out for a coffee or with friends, I’m just asking for maybe a little bit more support. Bear in mind, I’m only talking about weekends, weekdays it’s me and DD 100% as partner works and I don’t expect him to help that much at all during the week. I’m just wondering if anyone has any views?

Blimey, either he's changed into a person beyond all recognition since the baby arrived, or you didn't know him very well beforehand?

You can't even go for a wee without having to encourage him to look after his daughter?

I don't know what to suggest going forward but I truly hope he changes his selfish ways.

Yeah you need to set your expectations out in no uncertain terms. He’s setting you up to give up your job/career/earning potential by chaining you to the kitchen sink. Next weekend if he’s not taking the discussion on board just pick up your keys and leave for 6hrs (does baby take a bottle?) and keep doing that without warning every weekend until he steps up or leaves. Better to know you’re going to be a single parent before you give up your job!

It sounds like he's really lacking in confidence rather he's not keen. If he doesn't see her during the week he may well be genuinely unsure of how to comfort her when you go for a shower. Have you asked him how he feels about it all? Both of mine were breastfed so there wasn't much my partner could do re feeds or comfort, but he did most of the cooking and would chuck a wash on.

If she doesn’t take a bottle then that’s your plan for this week!

My partner was a bit like this and now he’s part time and doing more childcare than me - he basically saw the writing on the wall and that it wouldn’t be tolerated. And between kids I worked furiously to get a ‘running away fund’ together - he knows about it and he knows I would leave rather than tolerate that behaviour. Haven’t been on holiday for a few years to get that money together and worked overtime instead of taking annual leave. Brutal but I’m happy in an equal relationship with his respect and my kids have 2 involved parents.

Benefit of the doubt - he's nervous and a bit naive.

You need to nip this in the bud as quickly as possible. He has to step up. Give him the baby and go to the shops. Sit hi down and tell him that this isn't okay. INsist he does the nappies and ignore him when he complains. send him into the kitchen to do the cooking/cleaning.

Why is he so incompetent? What did he do on paternity leave, didn't you both learn together?

Old fashioned and old here. I pretty much did 100% of the childcare. However, when DH was at home there were no issues whatsoever with me having a wee or a bath/shower. Or him watching the baby while I cooked.

What's up with the idea that he can't do anything in the week because he works!? Most parents work but kids still need looking after, especially tiny babies!

When he is home he needs to take over with the baby so that they can bond and you get a break. You must insist that he steps up now, otherwise you'll find that when you're back at work he still expects you to do everything for the baby AND go to work (somehow in his mind it'll magically be different for you - "mums find it easier" / "you're used to it now" / "the baby prefers you").

Mine did every single nappy on paternity leave (including the night time ones), I was breastfeeding. He does all baths. Took the babies every morning so I could sleep a bit more (for years). He's a surgeon, if that matters. But he's a parent too!

So if everyone else’s husband was also misogynistic and lazy, would that make it alright?

My DH and I are equal partners in our relationship, including parenting. When I was on mat leave, it was my job to meet DC's direct needs while DH was working (meeting different needs for things like bills being paid) and the rest of the time it was 50:50.

Things have stayed 50:50. There are times when some responsibilities shift more to one person than another, and some tasks one of us is better at than the other but it's all equitable overall. We both enjoy 1:1 time with DC during the week and at weekends (eg DH and DC are out with their bikes just now and later DC and I will go swimming together).

Your DH needs to pull himself together and learn how to be a parent. Don't let him deploy weaponised incompetence at this stage. If he says he can't do something, tell him "that's ok, I'll talk you through it... great, now you know, you can do it yourself when I'm not available." Y chromosomes don't cause an inability to learn parenting skills.

Thanks for your reply, he works from home so he is able to see her during the day, I think maybe you are right though, it’s a bit of a viscous circle, he has her, she cries, he lacks confidence and swoop in and then he doesn’t get the chance to get himself so it’s the same for next time! Perhaps!

DH doesn't 'help' with DD, he is a parent too so we both parent. Early days he did night time changes then I did feeds (I was BF so often awake 30-60 minutes at a time). He's always done the first change in the morning as when I was BF she then came to me for first feed and the pattern just stuck (she's now 18 months). Whenever he's home it's pretty much 50/50 - we check in with each other if leaving the room to do something but just to let each other know, nobody is asking as such.

I would say it's time for a proper chat with him to get to the bottom of why he's so uninvolved and work to resolve it asap. This cannot continue- you will end up getting burnt out & resenting him.

My husband didn’t help he did- did what he needed to do the same way I did. The only difference was the breastfeeding- baths, walks, housework, getting them dressed, changing nappies were picked up instinctively by him as by me. I don’t applaud him for that, I was still way more exhausted from the feeding and birth recovery.

As hard as it is, you need to let him learn how to settle them himself. Take yourself to another room, put headphones in, whatever it takes, but he has to get the opportunity to learn that skill or this will not get better.

Bit worrying at that stage.
It was a struggle to get DS off of DH at that age, especially during the week as he hadn't seen him all day.

He needs more practice then.

Working is no excuse not to be an involved parent during the week.

How do you think couples manage when they both work? Or single parents?

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your feedback and advice, I ageee! He does have his good points ha ha, I think we will get there in the end! It’s concerning as he has said things like ‘I’m working all day so I need time to wind down or relax at night’ don’t worry, I set him straight there! I think he will just have to deal with it because before long, I will be going out without DD and he will just have to get on with it! It’s just a bit iffy when he can just say ‘going for a walk, shops, pint etc’ and he does just do his own thing whenever he wants, I don’t mind having a little person attached to me, but sometimes it’s nice for him to bond with her whilst I’m in having a shower!

I would really advise you to lose the ‘haha’ attitude. It’s not funny, it’s sexist. This will get worse if not nipped in the bud now. You say he’s a good guy, absolutely nothing you’ve written here points to that, in fact the opposite, but you know him. As he’s a good guy, you should be able to tell him parenting is equal, there is no ‘helping’ about it, you have just as much right to go out for a pint as he does. In fact, it’s quite important that you do, this guy doesn’t seem very bright, so will need to be shown that he is equally responsible as he hasn’t grasped that by himself.