Advice please

[Sparrotpie]

Looking for an outside perspective on my situation. I’ve been pretty isolated the last 7 years and I don’t know what’s normal anymore.

My partner and I have been together a long time now and I know things get stale after a while and they don’t make as much effort as they used to. The last two years has seen my health decline badly. I’ve lost the ability I used to have and he has had to pick up so much slack which makes me feel useless and rubbish daily.

Recently I’ve had an even worse time with my health and a lot of other stress. He left me in December for nearly a month and trying to do Christmas and run the house in poor health was extremely difficult. My mental health plummeted. To add to this, Ive been through 2 cancer scares since November (thankfully it’s just cysts in my boobs which then got infected) which I had to go through on my own. Then last week I ended up in hospital with a DVT and I couldn’t get hold of him. I was terrified of heart attacks and strokes and once again I was on my own.

Through all of this health stuff no matter how bad I’ve felt I’ve kept going and done all of the house admin and managed to get us out of a dire financial situation. I’ve sorted birthdays, xmases and parties. Even when all I wanted to do was hide under the covers.

He’s never there. No matter if I achieve something great or if I have bad news. He isn’t thoughtful. Doesn’t try cheering me up. On my birthdays and Xmas he puts no thought into my present and relies on me to pick something myself.

He barely sleeps with me at all now. There’s always an excuse why he can’t do these things.. he’s been at work, he has no money, we have the kids etc. And ive tried to be understanding that I’ve put more pressure on him being poorly. I’m in between medications at the moment, I’ve had some awful reactions and without the arthritis meds I’m struggling to move. I’ve gained weight from all the steroids and time off my feet and feeling pretty rubbish about myself. And he just makes me feel worse never wanting me.

I’ve not really felt loved for the last couple of years. He says he does but those are the only words I get. But in arguments he will use my health against me and pick on me for it. He’s made me feel really bad about myself over the years. If I bring any of it up he will throw in my face all the physical jobs he has to do for the house.

The last week he was off work. We didn’t have the kids. We had money. None of his excuses were valid anymore. He still didn’t want to touch me. Even though I’ve been having a rough time and I’ve been so low he didn’t think to be thoughtful or make any effort. He chose to spend it walking the dog or seeing his mate.

I know he’s under pressure and I don’t expect this stuff regularly. But he’s making me feel like the ugliest, most worthless woman because I got sick. I told him how I was feeling on Friday, that I’m never worth any thought no matter how hard life gets. He’s literally seen me battle with my health for the last 6 months with no let up, just one thing after another and he’s not done one thing to show me he cares. The next day I thought he would have taken it on board but he just went and saw his friend and had a nice day out.

I ended up getting really upset and told him to leave because it’s really getting me down how thoughtless he can be. I literally spelt it out on Friday and I was just ignored. I have to go through everything on my own. He’s passive, he doesn’t respond when I pour my heart out. I thought being in a relationship you were supposed to go through things together. But he can’t spend 5 minutes showing me I’m cared about no matter what I go through. I don’t even get words off him.

I thought telling him to go he would realise how bad it’s hurting me never being worth the effort anymore. Never showing me he cares or that I’m thought about which he had promised to do the last time he came back. I’ve hit rock bottom the last few months physically and mentally and he just makes me feel so alone, worthless and ugly. I look diseased, I’ve gained weight and he’s making me feel invisible, pathetic and vile.

Instead of saying sorry I’ve been thoughtless or spending 5 minutes grabbing me some sh*tty flowers from a petrol station he just walked out on me and left me. He knows I’m currently unwell and struggling to mobilise and he’s left me with 3 kids and the house.

Was I being unreasonable wanting these things? I feel like because I’m ill and can’t contribute as much now maybe I don’t deserve them anymore. He made me feel ridiculous and really embarrassed me. It’s like I have to beg. He’s saying he didn’t do anything wrong and it’s all my fault he’s left. Would you be upset in my situation?

Not quite sure why you are trying to make this work when it’s obvious he has checked out. The kindest thing for yourself is to take control and just finish it.

I'd be upset in your situation. But I have also been in your DHs position and caring for a partner is incredibly difficult and it can be easy to lose sight of the person you fell in love with as you can't see past the day to day grind. Could you explore getting some support from elsewhere with the extra slack he is picking up, such as paying for cleaners or looking at an assessment from social care?
You do also need to try not to base your worth on someone else's behaviour. I know it's easier said than done but you are responsible for your own happiness and I'm sure there are so many positive things about you, your managing house admin, done well with finances, put thought into birthdays and Christmas, all whilst struggling with your health. Focus on what you have done well rather than relying on someone else to validate you.

Thanks for your reply. He tells me he loves me but shows the opposite. I love him and wanted to believe he loved me too. But I’m starting to see he doesn’t.

Thanks for your reply. I’ve been a carer since I was 13 and I know how hard it is too. I never wanted him to go through it and I try not to be too much trouble.
its more so going through the scary bits of life alone. Him not seeing me as a woman anymore. And never deserving any thought regardless of what I achieve or what happens to me.
in December he took drugs, drove my kids about and gaslighted me so badly. It was the first time I’ve seen how easy lying to me is. I broke it off with him but then my health got really bad doing everything. He had to come back. But now I think he was probably lying about loving me as well.
it showed me I will need some support being on my own. I will call the council in the morning for an assessment.

I think I’ve been used to be honest. I have the house, the car.. he has to go back to his mums. So I think he’s ‘loved’ me just as long as it doesn’t take any effort on his behalf in the relationship.

Was the drug driving reported to police? The man is a danger to your kids, don't allow him in your property.

Would you report your partner to the police when it could have serious consequences for the whole family? On his livelihood? And considering I can’t get around very well myself? I made him leave and he wasn’t allowed to drive the children anywhere. I did it all, paid for childcare I couldn’t afford but it took a toll and I ended up with pneumonia. I had to accept his help at the time, it was Xmas and I had no alternative help in place. Before he came back he did drug tests and told me to test him weekly. I haven’t been as that isn’t the life I want and wanted to think he had learned from it nearly losing his family forever. He promised me it was a one off but maybe I am a fool. We have a son with cerebral palsy, epilepsy and ADHD, hospital visits and stays are frequent and we need a vehicle. Believe me I was livid but doing that would have had huge implications for the whole family.

I can't answer that as it's not a scenario I can relate to at all, but it's your car and you have your own home, so the drug driver losing his livelihood (would he?) is perhaps a moot point, or a him-problem.

The relationship is over, just focus on your future and keeping your kids safe from this man.
Can the hospital help with transport?

I’m not sure it’s something I’ll look into. Thanks

Sounds like more than burnout from caring then. I think it's sensible to call social care for an assessment. Get yourself in a position where you don't need him and then you can live your life as you see best. It might even improve your health not having him around, stress can really impact physical and mental health.

Sorry I don’t think I explained myself well. He’s never ‘cared’ or been my carer. I was on medication last year which helped me move. But it had an impact on my energy levels. I had to come off it due to infections so I’m struggling more now and can’t do what I used to without swelling up or reacting. It’s hard enough to just look after myself some days. So he’s had to have more of a hands on role for the kids. He has to bath them and some days he will have to do dinner or finish it off. Some washing. He hoovers and mops maybe once a fortnight. I try to keep up with it as much as I can but some days are too hard and he will have to step in.

I suppose I see these as ‘my jobs’ which he has had to contribute more too. I have to deal with our son with extra needs too so he doesn’t have as much stress from him either. He can’t deal with the meltdowns. The only thing that has changed the last couple of years is I need more help around the house and with driving. I’ve started getting online shops (or going out myself when I can) so he doesn’t have to do the shopping. Sometimes I will need prescriptions collecting or taking me to an appointment once a month (but I’ll try take myself when I can). Whereas I used to be able to do it all.

he doesn’t physically help me on a daily basis or anything. Sometimes with the infections or if I’ve had an Operation. But I try to not ask for help even if I am struggling as he already resents me enough for the housework I can’t do some days. I’ve found ways to manage so I can look after myself as my mobility off my meds is quite restrictive. But I try not to burden him with it, but I do need help with the kids and housework. We all know how relentless it is.

i was actually at the doctors in January about carer burnout. There hasn’t been much space for my health issues cause of our son’s needs. I’ve never been able to 100% check out.. even though rheumatology and my other doctors are telling me I need to look after myself more. I’ve never left it all up to him, I’ve tried not to be a burden and to help where I can. But he will leave for weeks on end have a great break and I end up in a mess physically having to do absolutely everything.

I do need an assessment because I can’t do these things repetitively or reliably and I don’t want my kids to have to go without because I can’t do something that day. Nor do I want them caring for me. I’m hoping to get back on my meds which will make it easier. But at present I’m struggling and he’s left everything to me again and I don’t want a repeat of my health going downhill having to push every day.

So I can’t really see carer burnout with him. He’s never had the pressure of it all. I think I just have to accept I don’t make him happy anymore.