Dh blaming me for daughter colouring on the wall

[Raynaodld]

I seriously want to leave DH. I think his so horrible and acts so nice to other people. We had guests around for the past week and I thought things were finally going to change. He was sweet to me, helpful with the kids. The second they leave his back to his normal nasty self. I was cleaning and looking after the kids while he sat watching a tv programme. Dd who is 3 coloured on the walls. Instead of disciplining her, he immediately turns around and starts blaming and shouting at me saying it was my fault and if I wasn’t here he wouldn’t allow her to have colours anyways. I didn’t give it to her, she must have found it. I cleaned it before it stained but he still went on about how he’d have to pay to sort it out. I insisted that we both would because it’s our money; he said it wasn’t and it’s him who has brought in all the funds. (I’m a SAHM.) He makes my life so miserable. I don’t know why I’ve gotten so unlucky. When I calmly explained to him that he was sending the wrong message to the kids by yelling and blaming me, he switched it and said he would rather teach our son not to be disrespected by a female. Apparently buying our children crayons is disrespectful as he wouldn’t have them if they were his house. Such a wolf in sheep’s clothing. All our family and friends love him despite how horrible he is to me behind the scenes.

Get away from him before your kids grow up thinking this is an acceptable way to be.

This.

This isn't about crayons and colouring on the walls.
You deserve better.

Gat a job and leave.

Got a job and leave him. Or chuck him out, if that’s a possibility.

OP it’s time. Start working out how to leave. Do you have support from family or friends? Are you able to start getting back to work? You need to take control, he won’t change.

Take your children and run for the hills. He is not a nice man and it will only get worse.

Wow, he’s awful. The crayons are not the issue here.

but, to add, kids colouring on walls is a pretty common thing to happen. Lots of parents have been distracted for a couple of minutes then discovered this joy!

Didn’t want to read and run.

im so sorry you are going through this. This is exactly where I was a year ago. My H did the same thing always made what the children did, my fault. Made me think the money was his money because he worked and I was sahm, yet he hadn’t wanted me to work despite me really wanting to. It was a weapon to beat me with sadly.

I got out about 9 months ago, and to wake up and know that I will go today without being ‘told off’ for something, or walk on egg shells, or feel inadequate, is amazing. I never thought it could feel this way after being married for 26yrs.

All I’m trying to say is that deep down you know. I did. No one can tell you to leave him, and indeed shouldn’t. My friends were telling me for years but I constantly protected him and made excuses for him. Oh he’s tired, he’s worked and I’m ’just At home’ etc etc. The worst thing is reflecting now and seeing the abuse my daughter had to endure. I will never forgive him for that.

The fact that he can indeed be kind in front of of others shows it’s a choice. Mine was the same.

just reflect on everything, and each day write down the good and bad. This alone will show you.

It took me years to leave but now I can see sunshine and not just dark clouds.

pm if you need. Don’t let him beat you down further.

take care

Lazy, sexist, judgemental and dense (crayons are “disrespectful” wtf) - he sounds like a complete waste of space.

You have all these people here saying leave run etc. while I believe that is probably the right sentiment, that’s the sort of thing you really need to plan for. And I mean over a year or 18 months. I knew I was going to leave my husband a year before I did it and had a valuable period of creating records and extracting small amounts of cash so that when he predictably was a total ar5ehole, I could still survive

He has Andrew Tate vibes about him.

• you need to understand the full financial position in your household, how much he earns. As far as you can get evidence. Copies of documents, payslips, that you can say were lying around. Details of his pension not just current salary. Any small investments
• You should start doing some kind of work or seeing what you can do to work towards financial independence. He clearly doesn’t value your role and is slipping into a view of you as the servant. Men like that wield money like a weapon when it comes to divorce.
• Start a small bank account or investment fund that he does not know about. You need this regardless of the decision you make in the next six months. If you put £20 or £50 a week in that over several months when the crunch comes, at least you’ll have something you can use.
• make some recordings and videos of his behaviours. Start recording, or die rising what he says to you, and the names he calls you. This will be a contemporaneous account of why you are leaving him. But also it shuts mouths very quickly. My dad was actually more supportive of my ex when I break up with him and he was of me. That isn’t until I played him a recording of my ex screaming at me and calling me all names under the Sun. At that point he said ‘I would never have said anything like that to your mother that’s disgusting. You are right to leave him.’

I know this is all gonna sound very calculating, but in your position you can’t just leave anyway. You have two young children at least and I think you’ll find it is remarkably energising in a situation where you feel stuck to be taking control of it and using the time with this horrible man to actually create an arsenal that you will fight back at him with

When our son was two, we went out and bought a new TV in full surroundsound kit

Within the first week, he got hold of a biro pen and drewover the TV screen and punctuate a hole in one of the speakers (it had no lead, as I was worried about babies, choking on them 🤣)

I was devastated, and just didn't know how to explain this to my husband who worked so hard

Well , he was gutted, but there was no consequence for the two year old. There was no blame for me. It was just it is what it is it's part of parenting

We had that TV and speaker for 10 years and often joked about it with our kid

Do you see how that's the normal reaction? Everyone's absolutely gutted, but what can you do, it's not the end of the world and you can just move forward?

You can see your husband reaction is not normal , children have pencils and pens and crayons and will make mistakes, and you cannot keep your eyes on them all the time much as he wants you to

He has eyes too

I know it's frightening, but you need to make a decision about. Is this what you want for your children they are not allowed to do normal things and you're not allowed to make the normal mistakes that every parent makes ?

This is such a harmful home for you all , I hope you'll be okay. I think you should look for some local support to move on from this situation. You can be happy again, and you don't need to explain it to anyone who says all he's such a nice man. You know he isn't good for you or your children

I shuddered at this:

'he switched it and said he would rather teach our son not to be disrespected by a female.'

As a previous poster has said, this definitely has Andrew Tate vibes. His behaviour towards his own small daughter is very concerning as he obviously sees her as 'less than' his son. Saying he wouldn't allow her to have any crayons in his house means that he is not a safe person for your daughter to be around as he doesn't seem to love or care for her at all. She is just an unworthy 'female' in his eyes.

Speak to Women's Aid or a similar charity and start making plans to leave.

Set up a nanny cam so people can see what he's really like, put the voice record thibg on your phone. You can use this even when the screen isnt on.....divorce the fucker. And when he tries his oh woe is me bollocks you can show what you've been living with.

What a disgusting excuse for a man. Please please leave this relationship so your children don’t grow up thinking this is normal 🥺

@Raynaodld "said he would rather teach our son not to be disrespected by a female"

You have much bigger problems in your home than arguing about your toddler colouring in your wall. For the sake of your children you MUST leave.

Please leave him. He can clearly behave nicely when he chooses. This is a horrible atmosphere for you and for your kids.

What are your children learning about families from this. Well done for trying to stand up for yourself but he doesn't seem to respect you. The fact that he can act decently shows he knows right and wrong and is choosing wrong as he thinks he's entitled to treat you so badly, secretly. Please get your ducks in a row and flee safely and sensibly

Good idea to gather evidence you can get indoor ring door bell cctv