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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just not want to be ok with DH after this

13 replies

Billericcay · 23/03/2025 08:20

It’s increasingly rare but DH is prone to losing his temper, screaming aggressively and saying horrible things.

We are together 25 years and it’s become pretty rare now but when he does it , I feel it chips away a bit at our marriage every time. I get over it and forgive him but this time I’ve just had enough. The arguments are rarely about anything significant or indeed anything at all.

What really upset me was that about 6/8 months ago I tried progesterone tablets rather than the mirena coil and mentioned this to him to say I was trying something new and hope it agreed with me and mood etc

Anyway I switched back to mirena quickly as I kept forgetting to take the progesterone but in the argument DH threw back in my face that I said I wanted to know when I was a b**ch on ‘your medication’ (I didn’t say that) and I was being a bitch blah blah blah.

We rarely argue and this type of thing always comes out when we do, I speak down to him etc (he’s extremely sensitive about being spoken down to, in work etc)

Days later , he’s apologised but it I have no real interest in engaging with him. AIBU

OP posts:
NeedToChangeName · 23/03/2025 08:24

Apologies mean nothiing if he just carries on

Actions speak louder than words

Does he shout at his mum, sister or boss? Thought not. Shouting is a choice. He can control his temper when he wants to

Read "why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft

Good luck. Horrible situation

Beamur · 23/03/2025 08:24

It's death by a thousand cuts isn't it?
It's not unreasonable to want to be spoken to respectfully - your DH doesn't like it when people speak to him in a tone he doesn't like. Neither should you.

Original poster
Billericcay · 23/03/2025 08:33

That’s exactly it, death by a thousand cuts. He tends to get would up about external situations - in particular managing DCs sports team and he is so brittle that this just creates a tension that boils over.

Like I said, rare enough, but totally not ok and I’ve had enough.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 23/03/2025 08:41

He is choosing not to control his clearly short temper when speaking to you. His fragile little ego clearly can’t cope.

I can well see why you’ve finally had enough.

Teazels · 23/03/2025 08:46

Sorry to hear this OP, it's really not pleasant.
How old are your children and what is your financial situation like?

Ughn0tryte · 23/03/2025 09:05

He describes it as being spoken down to but the reality is, he doesn't like his behaviour being challenged.
He seems happy to point out your way of responding to him but not where he originally disrespected you.
Is this called deflecting?
Not being a nasty person all year round would suggest that he's quite capable of holding his own and strategically planning the best time to destroy his relationship with you by saying you're a bitch following a change in medication.
He knew this was your way of being vulnerable, sharing something that exposes you as a change in behaviour.
Trouble is, he's not on medication but his cycle of abuse is wild. Would he consider medication for his outbursts? Or even discussing them with a gp?

Original poster
Billericcay · 23/03/2025 09:49

Ughn0tryte · 23/03/2025 09:05

He describes it as being spoken down to but the reality is, he doesn't like his behaviour being challenged.
He seems happy to point out your way of responding to him but not where he originally disrespected you.
Is this called deflecting?
Not being a nasty person all year round would suggest that he's quite capable of holding his own and strategically planning the best time to destroy his relationship with you by saying you're a bitch following a change in medication.
He knew this was your way of being vulnerable, sharing something that exposes you as a change in behaviour.
Trouble is, he's not on medication but his cycle of abuse is wild. Would he consider medication for his outbursts? Or even discussing them with a gp?

Yes he has said he will get anger management therapy but I just don’t really care anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Billericcay · 23/03/2025 09:49

Teazels · 23/03/2025 08:46

Sorry to hear this OP, it's really not pleasant.
How old are your children and what is your financial situation like?

DC are 14 to 17. Financial situation is strong. I earn more

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 23/03/2025 09:53

He sounds really nasty. I'm not at all surprised you're not interested in engaging any more. This may have been a 'last straw' moment.

Your children are being exposed to his shit behaviour, too. Will have an impact on their future relationships.

Easy to say LTB but I'd recommend it.

Original poster
Billericcay · 23/03/2025 12:15

That’s it @Ughn0tryte its the throwing up my vulnerability back in my face that hurts the most

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 23/03/2025 12:19

22 years I’ve been with my husband … he has never screamed at me, shouted at me, called me a bitch (or any other name).

He does it because he can, he chooses this behaviour .. of course he can control himself.. he’s not going around having punch ups in the street. He does it with you as there are no consequences

BarneyRonson · 23/03/2025 12:23

Is it possible he has underlying mental health issues. Even so, I’m with you and would no longer trust this person or want to grow old with them. Something not ok there.

Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore · 23/03/2025 12:27

In exactly the same boat @Billericcay. Could have written your post word for word.

He’s being ok at the moment - but I never know when the next eruption will happen.

Would also recommend Patricia Evans - ‘The Verbally Abusive Relationship’. Great insights into power play and misdirected anger.

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