To ask how you got over the pain of not having a second baby?

[Wiltingasparagusfern]

My child is 3 and has just had an autism diagnosis. I am 38, and there is a strong family history of ASD. We will not have another baby for that reason, but also because we need to focus everything on the child we do have. Even if a second baby was not autistic, we would not want them to become a carer, or to have a difficult childhood as a result of our first child’s needs.

It feels like the right thing, but it also really hurts. I love being a mum. Friends are having their second babies and while I am coping well, without resentment, I am also the mourning the family life that I thought I would have. I know there is no such thing as a normal family, but it looks so easy and simple for them at the moment (I know everyone has their sorrows, and am trying to bear that in mind).

I know there are worse pains in this world. But I’d love to know how people who couldn’t have a second baby got through it. What helped? I am mentally ok at the moment, I am just really sad.

Honestly. Just time. I had recurrent miscarriage and then finally 1 baby at 40. I never got pregnant again. She is now 7 and we are happy with our lives as they are. It helped that I didn't want a big age gap, so once she got to about 4 I really didn't want to end up pregnant again. I think that when she turned 4 it was still hard for me but by 4 I was accepting that I was lucky to have her and that I could just concentrate on her. Now she is 7 and my mum has moved nearby as she is starting to need care, our employer has suddenly announced that they are on difficulties and I am likely to be made redundant soon and DH's job may not be here by this time next year and I am just tired and at my limit and glad I only have to worry about feeding and housing 1 child.

I didn't want a 2nd baby. I'm happy with my one, always have been.

I couldn’t have a 2nd child either although for completely different reasons. I wish I could tell you it gets easier but it’s like grief - you just get used to it. Still makes me sad now 15 years later.

My best advice is just to focus on the good things. Sometimes easier said than done I know. But it’s okay to mourn the loss of the life we thought we were going to have.

A friend with an autistic child was given this by Emily Perl Kingsley. We have both found it helpful.

“Welcome to Holland”
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The flight attendant comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Edit to say: I think you have made a very brave decision, and the correct one, for the sake of your current child and any future ones you may have had. I wish you well in coming to terms with it.

OP your DS is only 3, do you know that his autism is profound? I think wait a few years til you know what he is like. It's very difficult to call it now. I know the clock is ticking biologically but you have a few years to play with. I feel I was in your position, my non verbal 3 yr old is now a very ordinary well behaved mainstream schooled kid. I know I've been lucky and your situation could be drastically different, but I'm just cautioning that you hold off on the decision a little until you get a better picture of his issues.

I'd always imagined having two but in the end I had my first at 41 and just didn't want the stress and potential heartbreak of trying to conceive another.

My now seven year old child has occasionally over the years mentioned having a little brother or sister and I do feel sad and that I have somehow deprived him of a sibling. But, we devote a lot of time to him and i believe he does enjoy different advantages that many children with siblings do not. Just try and focus on the positives and the joy that your only child brings you.

There is no reason not to have another child because your first child has autism. I have autism and I have always hated being an only child. Our 3 year old most likely has autism (we’re on a waiting list for an assessment) and I 100% want him to have a sibling! We will be waiting until he is 6 or 7 to see how he grows and develops but I definitely want him to have that experience! Why do you think your second child would become a carer? Surely that would be your job as parents not theirs?

We have a 3.5yo dd. Dd took 2 years and ivf to be conceived. She feels like an actual miracle
We have been ttc a sibling for nearly 2 years, failed IVF. People who had their firsts at the same time or after are now having seconds. It is hard.
I am giving myself this year to fall pregnant and then that will be it. I hate living in limbo.
If we had a second, we would need to move house eventually. I'm trying to focus on the 'positives' of an only - more financial security, I can use our savings to do expensive house jobs, dd may have a richer childhood with experiences, we get more time as a couple.
On paper, it looks better to only have one child, but it's not what the heart wants.
I know in time I would accept it. I was getting to the point of accepting a childless life when I fell pregnant naturally with dd.

I wondered about this too. Might be worth delaying the decision or talking with a counsellor as it's obviously making you feel very sad.

I’m sorry about your financial pressures. That sounds very stressful. I concur that there is an element of relief in that we can’t really afford another child, and that does comfort me. We are not on the property ladder but would like to be. I hope things end up being better than you fear job wise x

I have an autistic child and the early years with her were VERY difficult. However we have a second one too (neurotypical) and she has been an absolute blessing to her sister. They are both teaching each other things and learning from each other. I can’t imagine life without her and I think my first one would have lost a lot if she didn’t have her sister. But my autistic one is high functioning and after the toddler years we have found her even easier than the neurotypical one. I think if my first was super high need I probably would not have had the second one. Not sure if this is helpful at all but I thought I’d share in case it gives you some perspective.

We couldn’t have a second child and I really struggled with this for a long time. It is a form of grief and no one makes a card for it…

What helped?

Time brought perspective.

It does actually help a lot as you move further up the age range and others also leave the ‘having a baby’ stage behind.

My DC has a medical need and some other additional needs that emerged aged 10+. I now really appreciate being able to focus on supporting them and them alone, especially now GCSEs are on the horizon. Of course there are competing demands - I have a life too! - but I do not feel emotionally torn in the way that I might with another child.

Try to get out and enjoy life as much as possible. See above post about Holland!

If people ask an insensitive question about our family size I just tell them that my DC is my favourite child and let them think what they like!

Thank you for sharing this. It has made me cry. I really needed to read something like this x

YABU

Thank you for this. In a way I fear that hoping my situation is like yours may set me up for further sadness along the way. No, we don’t know how profound his needs will be yet. I suppose my fear is that even if he is chatting away and doing well in a couple of years, our increasing age plus family history means our risk of conceiving another autistic child - whose needs may be even higher - is much more significant.

I understand your point of view, but I was a child carer for my nonverbal autistic sibling. He is in residential care but I will need to look out for him and our brother, who is more independent but still struggles. So I have responsibilities there. There is a much higher risk a second child would be autistic too.

I am rooting for you! But I also agree that focusing on some of the positives in anticipation is probably a good exercise. There are lots of elements of this decision that feel like a relief at times - money, time, freedom, etc.

You word it the same way people do about getting a pet for their child - a second child should never be born primarily to please a sibling.

I always imagined having 4 children but after DS (who I am eternally grateful for) I spent 11 years TTC and multiple rounds of IVF & miscarriages I had to accept I was only ever going to be a mum of 1, it’s hard but over time it becomes easier but it still makes me sad at times not having the big family I imagined.

If I’m honest, no. I’ve got one child with my ex-husband. By the time I met my now DH, there were multiple factors as to why we couldn’t have a child together. He’d had a vasectomy/I’m on medication which has unknown risks in pregnancy/plus there would have been a very large age gap.

DH is the love of my life whereas my ex is a bastard. I cry often that I’ll never have a child with DH 😢 😢

My dc is autistic. Not diagnosed until 7 though. Then i was diagnosed with autism myself at 40.

I didn't have another although i probably would have wanted to but after a traumatic birth i couldn't face it. It took me having therapy to come to terms with not having as many children as i always imagined i would have. Further therapy later on for processing the grief of being disabled as well as how hard it is to have a disabled child.

Now I'm very glad i didn't have more dc. My existing dc takes up every single bit of my time and energy and then some. It gets harder as they get older, and you see other people's children doing things for themselves and becoming more independent when yours is delayed or not making progress as expected.

I would love to consider fostering when my dc are grown if i still have that urge for small children in my life. I think my experiences have made me a better person and i will look into fostering if the time is right in years to come.

My daughter is 9 now and for some time we did want another but it didn’t happen. I truly appreciate we have been able to have a child and it can be hard looking at other bigger families but actually for me I’m being affected by what society says I should do more often than not.
life is short and life can be so hard, you have to make the most of it! I am so thankful we can be more financially secure in a world where it’s getting harder and harder to live comfortably. I am so happy we can provide for our daughter and not be awake at night worrying about finances. We have so much more freedom as individuals and a family. We have more opportunity to look after our health and wellbeing which is so important!

Oh bless you. Thank you. I have no doubt that it will all end up fine we may just have to go through some stress first but there are always periods of that in life. It may end up better. Who knows. I may even use it as a chance to retrain since I have never really enjoyed my career (I was kind of pushed into it by my parents because I didn't get the grades for my first choice career and they liked the sound of this one).

I’m a carer for my adult brother with autism and while it is difficult I also wouldn’t not want to be here because of it IYSWIM.

It is your decision of course.

I could have written your OP a few years ago. DS was also diagnosed at 3. We always wanted two kids but I just didn't feel that I could risk having another child with ASC, the sleep depravation nearly broke us... I mean he didn't sleep for more than 90 min stretches until he was 24 months!
I sometimes get a pang of regret but I know we did the right thing. DS is amazing but he needs all of our time and energy so he can be the best he can be. X