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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt and taken aback.

24 replies

4seasons · 22/03/2025 12:33

I’m recovering in hospital from major abdominal cancer surgery. I’m doing ok but pretty sorry for myself at times. It’s fairly boring here I have been amusing myself by texting snippets of ward life etc to my grown up daughter.
She’s just spent about half an hour complaining bitterly about her neighbour with me sympathising . I then told her about one of the women on the ward … funny story which made me laugh. Daughter has come back with a number of nasty remarks about me including “must be nice to have someone to judge !”
I replied that she’d obviously had a really bad morning and hoped her afternoon would be better. I’ve left it there.
I can’t explain how hurtful I found her responses. Without going into identifying detail her dad and I have spent most of last year supporting her , both physically and financially through a terrible time.
Dont I deserve some love and support now rather than what amounts to a character assassination ? Why is it me that always has to be on their best behaviour ?
I’m now questioning everything we’ve ever done and wondering how she really sees us.

OP posts:
DenholmElliot11 · 22/03/2025 12:57

You shouldn’t really be discussing people’s private medical details sorry. We can’t help but hear other sraffcand patients because there are curtains but they obviously don’t block out sound I hope you make a good recovery.

Pancakeflipper · 22/03/2025 13:01

I guess context is relevant. If you were being unkind and have a tendency to be unkind then she may be fed up with it.
Or she could be worried about you and uptight/anxious and she reacted badly.
Or she she could be stressed about something other stuff and found your anecdote irritating.

Ideally she should cut you some slack but I guess it depends on your relationship.

I've recently spent time in hospital and sympathies with the dullness of the days.

Rubyfw5 · 22/03/2025 13:10

To @DenholmElliot11 , it sounds like this exchange happened over text so not disclosing anyone's details 🤷🏻‍♀️

Xis · 22/03/2025 13:10

Maybe OP was being a bit unkind but her daughter has the benefit of knowing her in a much fuller way and should therefore cut her mother some slack, especially in the circumstances. She could have let her mother know in a less aggressive way that she thought her comments weren’t nice.

XWKD · 22/03/2025 13:13

If your daughter thought you were looking down on someone or being judgmental, then she was right, regardless of how kind and helpful you've been to her.

Original poster
4seasons · 22/03/2025 13:14

I did not discuss medical details! I shared the fact that the other patient was an attractive woman who’d brought lots of lotions / potions and how this made me realise I’d been too low maintenance for years !
The comments she’d made about her neighbour were spiteful and nasty. A woman who is supposedly a friend. I suppose I’m shocked that I’m obviously held to higher standards than she is.
I now feel all I can do is just keep all texts etc. neutral in future. But why should I have to ? Oh well , I suppose she’s my daughter not my friend. I’d hope for more when she knows I’m at my most vulnerable and sick. But perhaps that’s why she lashed out … to hurt when I am down. I think I might withdraw a little from our relationship. I dont deserve this. I have never attacked her in this way.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 22/03/2025 13:15

I am really sorry! I am recoverfrom cancer surgery myself. I would have been ery shocked and hurt if my two dd’s had treated me that way.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 22/03/2025 13:17

Strange that she has so little self awareness. I would just tell her that you found it very hypocritical and unkind, and see where you go from there.

DenholmElliot11 · 22/03/2025 13:18

The thing is, although you can draw the curtain around you for modesty, you can't actually do anything about the talking so even if people speak in hushed voices, you can still hear, and it's not a conversation that directly involves you then you should ignore it although I appreciate thats hard.

That said, it's a bit odd for your daughter to call you judgemental for saying you're low maintenance! Thats just stating a fact I guess.

Is there a TV there - they often have a streaming service they can pay for.

Have you got much longer in there? Visitors this week-end?

Xis · 22/03/2025 13:21

DenholmElliot11 · Today 13:18

The thing is, although you can draw the curtain around you for modesty, you can't actually do anything about the talking so even if people speak in hushed voices, you can still hear, and it's not a conversation that directly involves you then you should ignore it although I appreciate thats hard.

I’m not sure how this is relevant to the thread.

Bruisername · 22/03/2025 13:23

How old is your daughter? I get it - unfortunately as mothers we can sometimes end up as punching bags but it’s important to hold the boundary

if you feel she would recognise her hypocrisy then point it out but if not then perhaps you should step back a bit.

I hope you have a good recovery

MatildaTheCat · 22/03/2025 13:27

My young adult son recently accused me of being judgemental. I rolled my eyes quite frankly. You are feeling vulnerable and unsurprisingly hurt by this but I’m going to urge you to give your eyes a big old roll and then put your grumpy DD on mute for a good period of time.

Do you have anyone else to message or chat to? I wish you a speedy recovery and recommend you find a better support person for the road forward.

Original poster
4seasons · 22/03/2025 13:28

@MatildaTheCat
thank you. I intend to do just this.

OP posts:
PlasticBags · 22/03/2025 13:30

I think you’re overreacting to her negative response to your texts because you’re understandably feeling vulnerable. Being in hospital is ghastly, disempowering and endless, and you end up loving or hating your fellow inmates!

For whatever reason, your messages didn’t land the way you’d intended, and your DD, rather than rolling her eyes and sending you a laughing emoji, picked you up on them. It’s happened to us all from time to time, that a text, where tone isn’t perceptible, lands ‘wrong’. I wouldn’t magnify it as something wrong with your relationship. Best wishes for your recovery.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 22/03/2025 13:32

Dress it up how you like, you were mocking and belittling another patient. You deserved to be called out on it.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 22/03/2025 13:32

Dress it up how you like, you were mocking and belittling another patient. You deserved to be called out on it.

Tiswa · 22/03/2025 13:33

Must be nice to have someone to judge doesn’t seem that bad particularly in a mother/daughter context it could just as easily mean must be nice to have someone to distract you and laugh at?

Deebee90 · 22/03/2025 13:40

You were still judging someone and she called you out on it. Just because you don’t look after yourself in hospital doesn’t mean others don’t. That lady’s coping mechanism might be to bring her lotions and potions in as it is her day to day routine and helps her get through her hospital days. I bring my toiletries in when I’m admitted to hospital as it makes me feel horrible otherwise.

Velvetbee · 22/03/2025 13:46

Deebee90 · 22/03/2025 13:40

You were still judging someone and she called you out on it. Just because you don’t look after yourself in hospital doesn’t mean others don’t. That lady’s coping mechanism might be to bring her lotions and potions in as it is her day to day routine and helps her get through her hospital days. I bring my toiletries in when I’m admitted to hospital as it makes me feel horrible otherwise.

But the daughter had been horrible about a neighbour so there’s a double standard. The OP is hurt that she’s been held to a higher standard when she had to listen supportively to her daughter being bitchy. The daughter has no self awareness.

Shessweetbutapsycho · 22/03/2025 13:47

You should have known better than to check out your feelings on Mn OP - didn’t you know everyone on here is perfect and would never, under any circumstances, dream of passing comment on another person, in private, with no harm caused to them whatsoever, whilst bored and lonely recovering from life saving surgery. An absolute moral outrage.
(obviously joking… this is exactly how I’d be passing 5 minutes while staring at 4 walls for hours 😉)
I can understand you feeling upset with your daughter, she sounds like she’s been a bit hypocritical, but I wouldn’t call into question your relationship. It sounds like everyone is having a bit of a fraught day. Try and draw a line under it and I wish you a speedy recovery

Americano75 · 22/03/2025 13:50

You're her mum, her safe person. You're not allowed to be ill, especially the kind of ill you are, because you're the one who's supposed to look after her. I don't mean that in a rude or nasty way by the way. I'm not excusing her not displaying enough empathy for you, but I'm guessing she's petrified and lashing out, especially as she seems to have had a rough year already. Now this.

No excuse though, but it might be the reason and it's not personal.

W0tnow · 22/03/2025 13:51

Your response was perfect leave it there and wait for her to contact you.

You’ve just had cancer surgery and you should be surrounded by flowers and cards, some, provided by her.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 22/03/2025 13:56

Well I wish I knew you I'd be more than happy to listen to your observations. When I was in hospital I met some very odd people - nothing to do with their ailments just very different to my normal circle.

CyrtainFlop · 22/03/2025 13:58

I've had odd moments of being held to higher standards by my adult dc too. It's very annoying! I grin and bear it usually. But I feel your frustration. I hope you feel better soon

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