AIBU or is DH just lazy

[Coconutoill]

I’m getting fed up with my DH but I’m not sure if I’m BU.

To me he’s started to be very lazy. I do all of the washing and cleaning and we share the cooking although I meal plan and shop. The reason for this is that he has a trade and we own a doer upper, so in theory he should spend the equivalent time on our renovations.

The reality is this just isn’t happening! He’s taking some time off between jobs atm and only working 2 or 3 days each week. On these days he lays in bed until 8am or longer, then spends an hour in the toilet, then at least an hour having breakfast. He’ll then decide he needs to go out to get materials so it’s lunchtime before he starts working. He’ll have a couple of hours watching tv at lunch and stop about 5pm.

In the meantime I’m working full time. We have DCs and this weekend he said if I would look after them completely he would spend 3 solid days on our bathroom. Yesterday he hung a door then spent the rest of the day sitting down with a headache. It’s now almost 9.30am and he’s still watching a film. I’ve been up since 5am with DCs 3 and 1.

Im not being unreasonable here am I? If I bring it up with him he gets really angry but I’m resentful all the time.

Genuinely, what is the point of him as a life partner? He’s not doing any parenting or general housework, and he’s not even doing the ‘jobs’ he’s meant to be good at as a profession. He’s not even going to work that often - you’re essentially a single parent as it is. I’m not jumping to LTB, but from an outside perspective this isn’t a relationship at all at the moment. Have you told him how his severe lack of effort in all areas is effecting you?

Just seen how he gets ‘really angry’ when you try and express your (rightful) frustration. He’s not willing to change and it’s worrying that’s where he goes to when trying to address issues. Seems like he wants you to put up and shut up about his refusal to pick up his slack. Is this really how you want life to be for the next however many years?

I don't know if it's lazy but it's unfair you're doing so much and he seems to be procrastinating. I'd be saying I'm not sure you're interested in doing the place up as its clearly not motivating you. Why don't you work and pay someone else. And what housework do you want to do. How about pots to start with (pretty low risk compared to forgetting bin day). And wash your own clothes.

Hes lazy and gets angry when you point this out. He serves no purpose whatsoever in your life.

Luckily you are working and can bin him. I suggest you work towards separation when you can: your life will improve immeasurably once he is out of it.

Paying someone to get work done creates more issues as they never do it right. I’ve insisted we have had a few trades in and it’s just caused DH to be grumpy for months on end because he doesn’t like their work.

Unfortunately he is paying for the reno as his parents have given him money to do so, so that means he has more say in what happens. I’ll never inherit or be given anywhere near as much as he has had so I can’t contribute the same.

He sounds like a lazy lump

Is it possible that he is ill? I don’t often think along those lines but it seems so odd considering he has the skills to do the work, so not out of his depth: he chose to start a renovation and has the funds to carry it out. If he was putting the work off to go out and do fun things, I’d say he’s definitely lazy but it seems he might genuinely be too tired. That suggests he might be ill and burying his head in the sand.

So when he's sat on his arse watching TV, does he still expecting you to do all childcare even though he's not holding up his end of the deal?

I wish people would stop justifying toxic or inadequate male behaviour with “could he be ill/depressed?”

It just gives people false hope and delays the inevitable process of kicking these useless men to the curb.

Yep. He’s lazy. You saying you can’t talk to him about it because gets “grumpy” is a big problem. Maybe it’s time you got grumpy with him.

What illness results in men making deals for their wife for her to do all childcare all weekend on the premise he will do the DIY, only to then sit on his arse, and get moody with his wife if she objects to the unfairness? Is it an illness women can catch?

It’s extremely ironic that there’s another thread running at the moment where the op is signed off sick and saying how due to currently being at home is expected to do all the housework/parenting. Apparently her being sick means she is the one who should be doing all this. If men are unwell/depressed it means they can’t engage with home and family, is a woman is unwell then a man is free from engaging in home and family because she’s there more often to meet the needs. Got to love a bit of MN double standards.

Tell him exactly how you feel and if it carries on you are not sure if you will continue living with him!

Ask him when it's your turn watch a film or two hours to watch tv. I'd be focusing on his leisure time compared to yours. But it sounds like he gets angry so you won't raise it and he can get away with it. And the narrative is all sorted as in he is working really hard on the reno so you should do everything else. This isn't a relationship I'd be staying in.