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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would this be a deal breaker

29 replies

Makeorbreaktime85 · 21/03/2025 19:11

I have posted before under a different name but I want a clear perspective

Dh and I have been arguing. For a long time. Not been in a great place for a long time.

Today while arguing he said the following to me:

In a previous argument he called me the C word followed by the w word. More than once. I said today I thought it was disrespectful and as much as we're arguing he shouldn't use those words. He told me I need to stop being so precious and realise that is what i drive him to.

He moaned I work too much. I WFH, my career has been on hold for a few years while we had children, I'm finally progressing again, am good at what I do but my role is full on. He said he would rather I worked a lesser role while the kids are younger and then look to progress in 10 years. By which time I'll be 50ish. It's ok for him to progress in his career though.

He wants me to change a lot of things I do. Says what I do isn't good enoigh. Stems from the fact I forgot to make his lunch today for work. Says I'm rude because I don't always hear what he says (he mumbles then blames me for not hearing) or he'll ask a question and because the answer is give is not exactly what he wants he'll moan I've not answered properly.

It is draining. I am tired. We're just not compatible are we.

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 21/03/2025 19:37

Why are you making his lunch ? Is he not able to prepare his own ?
It sounds like you are both going to bicker over anything and everything tbh .
When relationships become toxic - you both have to want to rectify or else it’s point less …so I guess it depends if you both do or not .

ChoccieCornflake · 21/03/2025 19:39

LTB. He's clearly a tosser

Lovethesparklylights · 21/03/2025 19:40

You're not HIS mum so why are you making his lunch like he's a child. My teens make their own. I'd suggest you bin him, keep the career. Life will be nicer.

StJulian2023 · 21/03/2025 19:40

In what ways does he make you happy?

GreyCarpet · 21/03/2025 19:41

Why are you making his lunch?

JoshLymanSwagger · 21/03/2025 19:42

Are his hands painted on? Can he not manage to assemble two slices of bread and some filling?

Send him back to his mum.

RentalWoesNotFun · 21/03/2025 19:42

Sounds like he wants a mummy to look after the house and kids while heroes the Very Important Man Job.

Id be telling him to jog on. Why should you sacrifice your career earnings pension etc so he can keep his?! Nope.

AlanShore · 21/03/2025 19:43

So c is cunt. What is w? Wanker? Witch?

Quitelikeit · 21/03/2025 19:44

He sounds nasty

FetchezLaVache · 21/03/2025 19:45

Yes, I think any one of those things would be a deal breaker, so the whole list taken together... LTC

ItTook9Years · 21/03/2025 19:45

In our house the rule pre and post kids was “if it doesn’t need genitalia to do it, it’s anyone’s job”.

Stop mothering him. 50/50 on all domestic duties, including parenting, from now on. Point out that he’ll be doing it all for 50% of the time if he doesn’t start supporting you because you’ll leave him.

TinyKittenPaw · 21/03/2025 19:46

Its a choice for you to make really but I think there is a whole load of disregard here, around your career, how he has spoken and the expectation that he will be the focus.

re putting your career on hold I hear you re the hitting 50 it is harder, and every where is laying people off. A glittering career in 10 years is promised to no one, and it’s not a given if you step back earlier on.

suggest taking it in turns to make each other lunch for the day and see what he says. 😄

Maitri108 · 21/03/2025 19:47

He thinks he's your manager. He shouldn't be calling you names, you're not responsible for his behaviour and he can make his own lunch.

Tell him to fuck off.

Chuchoter · 21/03/2025 19:48

He's jealous of you and wants to drag you down to a level where he thinks he's top dog.

He's not supportive and he's also a bit dim if he can't make his own packed lunch.

I wouldn't waste minutes of my life with this oaf but sadly you've already sacrificed years of yours.

Tillow4ever · 21/03/2025 19:49

Hit YABU because you’re posting again instead of taking the advice you’ve been given previously. The guy is a twat. Why are you putting up with it?

Makeorbreaktime85 · 21/03/2025 19:50

I have taken on board some of the comments and have stopped having the laptop out in the evenings after the kids have gone to bed. I mean he sits on his tablet playing games but I'm not allowed my laptop

W word was wanker. Not as awful I guess but I still don't feel it's appropriate to say that to your wife.

OP posts:
SoSoLong · 21/03/2025 19:51

Very few people could be compatible with a twat (for avoidance of all doubt, that would be him, not you)

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 21/03/2025 19:52

He's an awful man, has no respect for you, and sounds like he's probably a misogynist as well. LTB.

ThatsCute · 21/03/2025 19:52

He sounds super-fun and an absolute delight to live with.

LetGoLetThem1234 · 21/03/2025 19:55

This guy (your partner/husband) is not on your side. He's actually combatative and antagonist. He wants you to be his housekeeper and underling, rather than his partner in a relationship of equals.

Please: don't abandon your career!

What keeps you in this relationship?

If I were in your shoes, I would be making serious and definite plans to end this relationship

Pamspeople · 21/03/2025 19:55

What is holding you back from leaving him, OP? Are you frightened of being alone, or hoping that he'll change, or is there something else? It's very normal to find it hard to end a relationship, and I'm wondering what specifically is challenging for you? Everyone here is very clear that he's awful.

Endofyear · 21/03/2025 20:02

I don't think I'd be compatible with someone who called me foul names and expected me to make his lunch either! Don't give up your job - give up your husband who is making your life miserable.

tothelefttotheleft · 21/03/2025 21:13

@Endofyear gives you great advice.

Mrsgreen100 · 21/03/2025 22:44

Sounds like a controlling arsehole to me, don’t stay with him life‘s too short,

AnotherNaCha · 21/03/2025 22:49

I’m sorry, how awful - and how awful you don’t realise how awful.

Inexcusable misogynistic abuse from him. Please look up Zawn on Facebook for some excellent insight to dynamics like this

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