AIBU to think they could have still given DD the award, even if she couldn’t go on stage?

[TattyPhoenix]

DD is 12 and autistic, with serious anxiety and school refusal throughout primary. Things have been so much better in secondary – though her attendance is still around 80%, which I know isn’t great, but compared to before, it’s a huge win.
We had parents' evening last night and it went really well – she's doing brilliantly academically and I’m so proud of her. Her maths teacher mentioned that she’s actually top of the whole of Year 7 in maths (I didn’t even know!) and said he wants to give her the maths award at the end of the year.
Here’s the thing: he said he would have given it to her at Christmas but didn’t because he thought she’d be too anxious to accept it in assembly. He’s not wrong – she would have really struggled with that.
I totally get that it’s not a huge thing in the grand scheme of life, but I can’t help feeling a bit sad that she missed out on being recognised because of what is essentially her disability. Couldn’t they have found another way? Quietly handed it to her in class, or sent it home, or something? I’ve said yes, absolutely, give it to her in the summer, even if she can’t go on stage – she’ll be so proud.
To be clear, her maths teacher is lovely and thoughtful, and I don’t feel angry at him – I think he really meant well. I’m just musing really, but AIBU to think they could have done something to make sure she still got the award at Christmas, in some form? Feels like a bit of a shame, and as her mum I'm just feeling so sad about how limiting her autism is for her.

I think you have to take it that he was trying to be thoughtful about your DD and not impose something that could stress her out.

There are lots of times in life when children don't get a prize we think they deserve, for many reasons. Your DD is doing really well & will be so proud to get the award in summer.

Sounds like she will still get the award so no harm done and it was thoughtful to check with you first. Quietly sending it home might have been disappointing for her/you if she would be OK with, say, the class giving her a round of applause for her achievement.

Would she be ok with it being announced in assembly, without her having to go on stage, maybe just stand up (or not)?

The prize should be given on merit if it is being awarded for merit. Not on the basis of the student being able to be seen to have been given the award. If she was ill on the day would that mean the school would skip her and give it to the runner-up? Its something the school need to think about.

Yes, there needs to be another system in place other than "you don't get it".

• give her the cup in class

• put a certificate in her maths book

• write her name in the newsletter

• verbally congratulate her

• send an email to you with the news for you to pass on and for her to decide how she receives the award

Yeah, while I agree that he meant well, I think this is something they need to sort out. Can you have a friendly chat with him and the SENCO to discuss?

The obvious solution to me seems to be telling her in advance that she's won it, so giving her the congratulations message in person, then asking her what she would like to do - stay in her seat while everyone claps, or name read out but no clap, no acknowledgement at all, name in newsletter, etc.

My ds2 has similar issues to your dd. They do an awards ceremony at the end of each year in the evening with all the parents coming as well. Ds2 is usually ok with going up and getting his award as they do it in groups of 5 and all get clapped together. He's not keen on having his photo taken though. He knows that if the head teacher calls his name and he doesn't want to go up, he can just do a little head shake and nobody will say anything. Also there are some children who collect their awards from the school office afterwards.

DD is 12 and autistic, with serious anxiety and school refusal throughout primary. Things have been so much better in secondary – though her attendance is still around 80%, which I know isn’t great, but compared to before, it’s a huge win.

In a similar situation with DS - just wanted to say that around 80% absolutely is great - it's brilliant and a huge achievement!

This is exactly what I've suggested! Now we know I will prep her. I also don't think it would be too much of a stretch if she was perhaps in the front row, and someone just passed it down to her etc.

It really wouldn't be much of an adjustment to just give her the certificate in class would it. Surely the school/teacher could work something appropriate out. It's not rocket science making a tiny change to the normal procedure to accommodate a child with autism.

I'd perhaps email the teacher and explain how it would be a real boost to your child to receive the award. She wouldn't be comfortable having to go and collect it in assembly so if she is still going to be given the award please could they just hand it to her in class.

Sometimes people simply don't think of the obvious solution because they're not dealing with all the everyday adjustments that are needed like you are.

Well done to your daughter.

I mean it would be good if they felt she was capable of going up to collect it and just needed a bit of a push , or a little more maturity, so there could be reasons to wait

You don't grow out of autism.

Oh don’t be daft

autistic people are often quite capable of learning and developing.

Some things will be hard and others easier than for none autistic people but they can still learn techniques to manage.

YANBU. It’s not the maths teacher’s fault, it’s the school awards system - making reasonable allowances for disabilities and special needs should be baked in.

Couldn't it just be announced in assembly but then given to her afterwards? I don't think it's really rocket science for them to work out something that would be ok for her.

DS didn't go in for his end of school assembly where he was due to get an award as he wouldn't want to go up in front of people either. He was 18 at the time and no 'little push' or more maturity would have changed it. He's working full time now and loves it, but still wouldn't want to go up and get awards in front of a huge room full of people.

It's supposed to be a nice thing so making an autistic person do it when they feel horrible about it would make absolutely no sense. They just need to find a way around it so she can feel good about it, rather than wanting her to respond in an NT way.

What would they do about someone in a wheelchair that couldn't get onto the stage (assuming they're given out on stage)?

This is what I've been thinking...you wouldn't prevent a child who uses a wheelchair from getting the award that they'd earned because they happen to use a wheelchair!

As I said, I'm absolutely not cross with school or the teacher. It really was more me reflecting on how DD's autism impacts her in some perhaps less obvious ways, and how she is perhaps being subtly excluded because of it.

But he IS giving her the award at the end of the year! And he's given you the heads up which means you have time to prepare her for it. And you have said yourself that she wouldn't have been happy about getting it in assembly at Christmas. And she wouldn't get it twice in one year so she's not missing anything. I'm struggling to understand what you think the teacher has done wrong.

@Motherofacertainage I don't think he's done anything wrong at all? As I've said through my responses I'm just thinking about the issue. I've said that he's a lovely, thoughtful guy and I'm using this thread to think about it!

My guess is that he only realised at the last minute that she would find it hard and it was a bit late to sort other arrangements.

Obviously better if he’d realised earlier but still a lot better than not realising at all and putting her in a horrible position. Glad she will get the award later.

Wow she is bloody brilliant op; well done her!
Tell her all of MN are proud of her if that would help.

@A5diary25 if you read what I've written you can see the points I've been reflecting on. But it's fine; I've noted your opinion.