To not want to go to uncle's fancy dinner anymore

[gollyimholly]

It was recently my DD's 2nd birthday. The plan was that DD's favourite people come for dinner and playtime with DD (grandparents plus mine and DH's siblings - 11 people in total). Unexpectedly my uncle texted (at about 4.30pm) asking if he could come over - he wasn't aware I was having a family dinner but I was more than happy to have him over as he lives a 100 miles away and so it isn't often he is down. He then said he had some colleagues with him and would there be enough food or should he tell them to eat elsewhere. I was astounded - explained it was literally DD's birthday, I had cooked a nice meal for the family and it would be best if his colleagues ate elsewhere. He then replied they were 10 minutes away (about 5.45pm) and that his colleagues were small eaters. I replied I wouldn't have enough for his 3 colleagues but if he just came on his own that would be fine. I was furious.

I told DH I wasn't coming out of the kitchen and that he was to only serve them juice and biscuits and my uncle could sort out their food. My house is organised so that I have a through lounge where the living room and dining area is one massive room. I felt like it would be so awkward if the colleagues were sat in the living area and my family were sat in the dining area having dinner. Anyway they arrived around 6pm, uncle came into the kitchen to see me and apologise and say he didn't know how to get rid of them. DH panic ordered two pizzas. I had made a roast dinner for my family. Soon after mine and DH's families arrived. My roast dinner was ready, DH took all the food to the dining area. I then went into the room to greet my family and ILs but saw that uncle and his colleagues were already sat at the dining table. I wanted to burst out crying. The colleagues were all very appreciative that I was doing so much and how kind I was. I have no idea what my uncle said to them but it was fairly obvious it was a birthday party (balloons and decorations everywhere) and that it wasn't a dinner for them. I left the room and stayed in the kitchen until uncle and colleagues left.

Anyway fast forward the evening, they ate dinner, not enough space for the intended guests to eat at the table, not enough starters for the intended guests, uncle and his colleague stayed until about 8.45pm which meant our cake cutting etc was delayed as I didn't want them present for something that is supposed to be a special family moment.

Over Christmas time last year, my uncle invited us to a charity event (£70 per ticket) in his constituency about 100 miles away (he is in politics) to which we (myself, DH and DD) said we would come. The event is next month. It will cost us about £600 for a one night stay factoring in travel costs, hotel room, ticket cost and costumes (themed black tie event). We haven't paid for our tickets yet but my uncle has booked a hotel room for us at the venue (for which we will also pay for after the stay as is normal with hotel stays). He might be out of pocket with the hotel if we decline the invite.

AIBU to make an excuse and say we won't come?

Today he messaged me to say the food was delicious. But no apology or anything. I haven't replied. He literally gatecrashed DD's 2nd birthday party with 3 strangers, who came uninvited, ate our food and then there wasn't enough for others. And then stayed for ages and wouldn't leave (on a weeknight too!). At one point after dinner my uncle came in to make them tea!! I just wanted to literally tell him to fuck off now because we would like to cut DD's cake and not have Tom, Dick and Harry loitering about.

Fucking hell. He wouldn’t have made it over my front doorstep, I’d have had DH standing at the door to turn them away.

Your uncle was told no but came anyway, was told there was not enough food and yet seated his colleagues at the table, and ate the food meant for other family knowing that it meant invited guests wouldn’t get any. What a rude bastard.

Sajid is no longer actively involved in politics, so he won't be seeking anybody's votes now. When he was still an MP, he was in a very safe Tory seat and almost impossible to oust!

They had sat themselves at the table. DH had sat them at the sofas but they had migrated to the table when DH went in with the roast dinner

So that was the time to ask them to return to the living room or wherever, and simply repeat if there was any silliness about "Ooooo we don't eat much"
No need for rudeness - though they were extremely rude themselves - just a quiet insistence would have done it

And no, I wouldn't be going to his wretched dinner

I was wondering when I read the op if it was a cultural thing that he felt entitled to come over at short notice and invite his mates to tag along. Regardless, he was rude, especially after you told him not to bring them.

However, you sulking in the kitchen is bizarre. Either tell them to leave or order a bunch of extra food and make the best of the situation. This could have been one of those things to laugh about in a few years (his rudeness and the birthday meal of roast dinner and pizza). Instead you tried to punish them by withholding birthday cake. Bizarre behaviour from everyone.

If you don’t want to go to the meal then don’t go. But they are two separate issues.

it is weird to take colleagues to someone’s home but you needed to say no. Everything that happened is on you.

What a rude man your uncle is. I don't blame you for not supporting him but I'd tell him why.

"I'm very upset about the events the other evening. You put me in a horrible position. We won't be supporting your event now."

"I just wanted to literally tell him to fuck off now because we would like to cut DD's cake and not have Tom, Dick and Harry loitering about."

I am betting its not the time he's behaved like this and he will carry on doing it until you stop allowing it and KEEP ON not allowing it.

Just out of interest, if the uncle is so firmly ingrained in a culture of hospitality to whomever turns up at any time, how often does he do the hosting? Surely, if that's your shared culture, it's give and take for everybody?

If he's such an important bigwig and part of the generous hosting culture, why didn't he buy your tickets for the posh event himself and then give them to you free?

He and the colleagues sound entitled and weird.

There didn't need to be a scene - i would have got the pizza and laid it out nicely for them in the coffee table and gone up to them quietly at the table and explained the situation about the birthday and that you'd got them some pizza in the lounge and what would they like to drink.

Why does it need to be confrontation. It might have felt awkward, but that feeling would have lasted minutes, instead days after you are still stewing.

In life people act in ways different to how you would, you need to manage this.

The bit about me staying in the kitchen: I was feeling very very angry and felt very close to tears. I didn't want to go to the other room and look like I was obviously upset especially for DD's sake. I had spent a couple of hours of cooking and feeling a bit stressed and generally feel a bit stressed if I'm hosting so it was a bit of a perfect storm for my emotions. I probably could have been better on how I responded but I was so taken aback by the whole thing at every move - like it just kept getting worse. I tried messaging no, he says they're 10 mins away, when they get here, I reiterate to uncle I don't have enough food etc

I do want to say thank you though to lots of PPs and their draft messages of how to respond to uncle's message. I have made my mind up not to go as we're happy to save that money. I do definitely need to improve my assertiveness/how to diplomatically say no. It's one thing that hit me like a bus after DD was born - the numerous uncomfortable conversations and boundary setting around our preferences for DD and so I have definitely been better with it more recently but also as you can see, plenty of room to improve.

You sound like a really lovely person OP.

Its always easier to say what we would have done in hindsight but not so easy in the moment.

I would definitely ask your mum to have a word with him as he seems utterly clueless about how much this impacted you.
Hopefully he will then apologise to you.

I probably could have been better on how I responded but I was so taken aback by the whole thing at every move - like it just kept getting worse

It always does with such people, @gollyimholly, especially if they're enabled, which is why shutting them down early usually works best - in this case, having asked uncle not to bring the colleagues, by declining to let them in

No need for angst, hiding in the kitchen and so on; just a simple no would have done it, though if you wanted to be nice you could always have said you'd look forward to meeting them another time

This!

YANBU. If you don’t want to go to or pay for the event, just tell him you won’t be coming. If the hotel booking’s cancelled now, it’s unlikely they’ll charge, other than a limited cancellation fee.

You should also be more assertive. If he brought them without my consent, to avoid embarrassment, I’d have welcomed them but immediately explained it’s a family dinner for DDs birthday and I obvs haven’t catered for them. So, I hope they don’t mind relaxing in the living space with a drink and some nibbles while the family eat their birthday dinner in the dining area. Most people would make their excuses and leave at that point. However, I wouldn’t be too fussed if they sat discretely in the living space. If I found them at the table, I’d politely ask them to move as the family are having their dinner. I’d have also had the cake while they were there.

If people can’t read a room, be respectful and have some manners, you have to be firm with them.

Wow - your uncle was beyond rude and inappropriate. He could have simply taken his business colleagues to a restaurant, like a normal person.

I’m not surprised you don’t want to spend time, money and energy going to support him right now. You wouldn’t be able to do it in the right frame of mind anyhow, when you feel so (justifiably) angry and frustrated. It’s plenty of notice re hotel etc since it’s a month away. I am a bit of a people pleaser and yet I would not go.

There’s lessons to be learned here for you, about ways you might potentially handle a future situation, about recognising your own needs in a timely fashion, about how to politely articulate your point of view, etc., and I think you should decline and choose to feel good about responding with dignity, honouring your needs, and firmly placing some respectful boundaries around yourself.

Skip diplomatically. Go to no. It's learning by doing. And you can do it.

I think you had quite a few opportunities to say something to your uncle (eg when he came in to make them tea) and you didn't, which is your fault. However in every other respect your uncle is clearly at fault. He was extremely rude, disrespectful, and selfish. I think you should message or call him and tell him how you feel. It needn't be a horrible message - you just need to set a clear boundary and let him know how you feel.

Lots of good suggestions on this thread. I do think you would benefit from some assertiveness training or some counselling to help you work through why you felt unable to address clearly unacceptable behaviour in the moment - you could have pulled your uncle aside and done it politely eg 'we are waiting to cut DDs cake until your friends have gone, we'd be grateful if you could finish up your tea and then go, thank you.' Or even better at an earlier stage 'uncle I'm sorry but I told you we didn't have food for your friends, please can you all leave now you've finished your tea as we are about to serve the food.'

On a more positive note can you do a 'do over' and have a family celebration another day for her 'unbirthday'?

Also just to add I can understand why you found it hard to say no, as your uncle was basically forcing you into the position if being rude to his guests. And he sounds extremely pushy. But as I suggested above I think there were ways around it.

But that's just the point, Tiredofallthis101 - there's no need for rudeness

Surely all it would take is "Sorry we can't do today" on the phone, then if they turned up "What a shame I can't ask you in today (big smile); shall we arrange another time?"

Of course there'll be the usual "Oh we'll only stay 5 minutes", "We'll stay out of the way, honest" etc, but then that can be ignored with the conversation turned straight back to when else they can make it

No surprise that he’s in politics! What a selfish arse your uncle is. I would be fuming too. I absolutely would not be going to the trouble and expense of supporting his event. I would cancel if I were you. If he complains about a cancellation charge, just say that will cover the cost of feeding him and his 3 uninvited guests to your family dinner.

My word. What a piss taker your uncle is.

I would detach from now on and certainly not go to the dinner next month.

Incredibly rude. He will do it again though without a thought. You should say something to him and then just be polite with him but avoid socialising.

no....big smile, "I am so sorry that MY UNCLE got it wrong/misled you/misunderstood me/is a shit. I am sure as HIS guests, he will take care of you....bye bye"

Not really. He is divorced and lives alone somewhere. We've never been to his house. We usually only see him when we visit my grandmother or if he comes to my mum's.

Your uncle is an arrogant shit.

You were perfectly assertive in your message to him. To quote a MN favourite, 'no is a complete sentence'. He obviously decided that your 'no' wasn't good enough and banked on you all being too polite to object while he just rode roughshod over your wishes on your daughter's birthday.

Who the fuck does he think he is? In fact, who is he? Because if he's my MP he can kiss goodbye to my vote.

Good for you not going to his expensive charity do. He probably just wants you there to make him look like the devoted family man. Fuck that shit. And fuck him.