To be fed up of being the one everyone pities

[Helpagirlout222]

Semi light hearted as I know it's nice to have people who feel concern for me.
But due to circumstances really outwith my control, i have ended up with health and relationship and subsequent financial issues...my life is fine really but obviously not ideal and my friends are broadly speaking in more secure or happy or affluent situations.
When we get together it's all lovely but I dread the part where everyone gets sombre and head tilty and say "but really, how ARE you?". Lots of sad faces .
I never know what to say, hate the attention, and it just makes me feel worse! The situations are as they are, no change on the horizon...AIBU to feel fed up with this? I'm not ungrateful for their concern but it's not cheering!

Is it a shit pile on that will hopefully get better soonish? Such as say, job loss, illness and relationship breakdown in a short time. This might mean that checking in on is reasonably showing they care.

Or, have you just been dealt a less smooth hand more permanently and are settled and making a decent fist of things, but they've allocated you the role of poor cousin and keep reminding you?

If the first, maybe let them know they don't need to worry. Thanks, but you'll keep them updated on any outstanding issues. But, for now XYZ is going well.

If the second, maybe a more frank conversation is in order if they're good friends.

Tricky as I’ve seen so many posts on MN along the lines of “… and I’ve had a few awful things happen and nobody even asked how I was doing!” So they are probably just trying to be good friends.

I think I would just say to them, you don’t like to dwell on the negatives so please don’t ask, you’ll bring things up if you want/need to.

It's more like a combination of both these scenarios really...but none of them changeable so yes a permanent state and the poor cousin thing is so accurate. I don't want that to be my role! And the questioning makes me squirm!

I'd have a careful think about what you want to ask of them and be frank. And also be sure not to be artificially positive if there are areas that are still a struggle at times. The questions, I'd be quite clear that you'll update them if anything comes up that you want to discuss.

Yes, I think that deciding what you want from them and then communicating this is key. If you want them not to ask about certain areas of your life at all, say that.

You are quite right, but that sounds like the kind of conversation I'd dread having...not good at being assertive!

My life is like this as I have a life limiting illness. Right now, things are stable, so I’m slightly less interesting 😆 but when I get the head tilt and sad eyes (it’s usually from the same people) I just answer the questions in a breezy way and then move the conversation on to demonstrate that there’s more to me than just that one subject! I mean, most people have something going on that they’re grinning and bearing in life, and no one wants those things to define them.

I think the trick is knowing who is just asking out of politeness/nosiness, and those who are asking out of genuine concern (usually the ones you’d actually confide in).

See their pity and give them a smile (and some of them the finger 😆).

Sorry to hear that @SnobblyBobbly
(In a non head tilty sad faced way!)

I think you've described it so well in that there's more to me than what's going wrong! I'm doing ok at work and my kids are great...much more positive topics of conversation!

I think this is good advice.

Alternatively, have you tried answering briskly then asking the same question in the same tone back to them? (In a genuine way, not as if you’re taking the piss). Intelligent people will take the hint. I think sometimes people don’t realise how patronising something sounds until they’re on the receiving end of it.

I’d add to that - give them a similar head tilt the other side and ask them how THEY are - “And… how are you feeling?” “No, but how are you really feeling?”

They may stop it if they’re being twats but that does require a certain level of self awareness….

Have you managed to have the conversation, OP? If not, I think humour could be really useful in this situation…. You can get the point across without making it a ‘big talk’….. next time they do it, put on an energized, humorous voice “my goodness, the way you ask me that makes me feel like I’m lying dying in a ditch somewhere” (You could twin with humorous impression)…..” I really don’t need the nurses’s voice, guys! We all know a couple of things aren’t great for me, but my work is good. I have marvellous kids, and I’m managing just fine. I am definitely ready to graduate to the ‘normal friend chatter voice please!… so, what’s up for me right now? Well, I…….”. They will probably sigh with relief and do better next time.

I remember I was sick a few years ago. I'd be having a perfectly normal conversation with my aunt on the phone... until she asked how I was. Then she'd start crying. 🤣