To want my daughter to be happy at school (genuine questions)

[Changernamerjoker]

my daughter is year 7 and has just had the best school report/ parents evening. Teachers love her, great behaviour, couldn’t be trying harder. Academically and class related school is all great.

Socially, she’s always been cast out a little, or is the one in the group being whispered about.

She cries a lot at home, and obviously struggles with this. She does have 2 nice friends at the moment, but the 3 of them (the 2 friends and my daughter) have been cast out by the wider girl group. They have made a nice group themselves but it’s a small school and the divide in the groups has been noticeable and from the bigger girl group there is some mean girl behaviour.

AIBU to ask is tweens/ teens can ever really be happy at school? Genuinely wondering if your children are happy at school, or is this just a part of life they have to suck up? Is school just an emotional minefield for kids or can they truly be happy at school?

I'm interested in what answers you get as seeing this already for DD in year 5, and very much dreading senior school. Personally all my friends ditched me in year 7 and I had a lonely few years. Hobbies out of school really helped.

Year 7 was not a great time for my DD. She fell out with one of the popular girls so suddenly wasn't 'cool'. She found her tribe eventually in the musical theatre kids, she's still friends with them now when they have all gone to different colleges.

I think if you can find a group with the same interests it makes it easier.
Don't know about being truly happy as that's more down to the personality and resilience of the individual child than anything external.

Honestly to your DD people who cast others out aren't the ones you want to be friends with.

Friend groups do change and move on as kids become teens. ‘Cast out’ is a very emotional way of expressing this. No kid is friends with everyone in school it isn’t possible. Encourage her to focus on a few mates and keep busy with music, clubs, drama etc. Treat school almost as if ‘going to work’ - and make friends outside of school too

I can relate. My ds was very similar. My only advice is that it does get better ax they go through senior school. My son is finishing s4 soon and as they mature it does calm down.

Both mine loved primary, hated secondary.
they were the opposite of each other, one highly academic, one very sociable and sporty. School crucified both of them for different reasons for years.
one went to boarding school in the end for sixth form, and only then enjoyed it a bit more. The other left as soon as they could.
id say years 9-11 are hell on earth for many kids and I’m so glad it’s over.

I don't know what year 7 is as not in the UK but 11,12,13 were awful years for dd socially. So much falling out with each other and rearranging of friend groups and drama and just general angst. We got through it and she is 15 now and things have calmed down significantly.

100% this could have been my daughter. Did brilliantly at school but was so very unhappy. Struggled with fitting in, friendships, being whispered about etc. we didn’t have a diagnosis at the time but we knew she was autistic. The school was not understanding at all. Suggested that the fact she probably had autism was the reason she didn’t fit in because ‘she didn’t get banter’ or she would ‘hyperfixate/ not let things drop’ when she felt people were being unkind. She had a breakdown in year 10. Six weeks off school, started on antidepressants. Went back on a reduced timetable, slowly returning to normal but not going in for gcse interventions or revision over the holiday - it took a lot of fighting the school but it needed to be done. Anyway turn the clock forward. She sat her GCSE’s, got an autism diagnosis, moved schools for a levels to a selective grammar and she couldn’t be happier. She has great friends, is happy to go to school every single day, has come on leaps and bounds u see CAMHS - they notice a huge difference in her wellbeing. The school has been amazing and accommodating and is a clear example that kids can be happy at school and can find their people and not feel like an outcast but I believe it’s very much down to how the school deals with what is essentially bullying. They hate to college that that’s what it is and it is way easier to put the blame at the ‘victim’s’ feet. You are right that your child deserves happiness and I would really urge you to do everything you can to change the situation. It is bloody exhausting feeling like every day is a fight with the school but you know your child . Those years at school can feel like a lifetime of misery and I truly believe now they don’t have to be. X

Year 7 & 8 were difficult for DD1 and there were a lot of dramas and fallings out in the friendship groups.

I encouraged activities, and kept up with friendships outside of school. I focused on developing her self-confidence.
I kept an eye on her phone messages (in case of any bullying) and encouraged her to talk to me if she got any unpleasant messages/social media.
I reminded her that someone who makes you feel sad or unhappy is not a good friend and encouraged the nice friends.

There are some good books - Queen Bees and Wannabees (for you) and there’s some books for girls about navigating friendships.

By the later secondary years she had found a nice group of friends - who she is still in touch with even now she is at Uni.
So it was difficult at first but in the long run I feel it has given her strength to be herself and not follow the crowd.

DD2 has had a much easier time of it, but it is a tricky time for lots of girls.

Queen Bees and Wannabees

Oh god I hated school from year 7 to year 10. I was horribly bullied by my “friend” group - eg notes in my locker saying “nobody likes you” etc. Then all of the “popular” boys started on me - “you’re ugly / a minger” ad infinitum.

I basically cried myself to sleep every night before school. I was very academic and my school was woeful in that department. I look back now and wish I’d had the confidence to tell those idiots where to shove it. The great irony is that I believed that I was ugly etc but I was 5’10”, very slim and a natural blonde and the absolute definition of conventionally attractive. I feel so sad looking back at photographs of that girl and knowing how utterly worthless she felt.

My daughter is only 13 months but I hope to instill more confidence in her than I had - it took me until my late twenties to finally feel better about myself and sometimes it’s still hard. Those formative years are so crucial and today I sometimes still question whether people actually like me etc when it comes to female friends. Any tips anyone has for raising confident girls would be hugely appreciated because I am frequent the teenage years and how to handle the social issues…

I think if she has two good friends that stick by her then you need to encourage her to be positive about that. That's a good little group, and together they can ignore the noise coming from the bigger group.

Tell her to concentrate on her friends and not worry about the others.

Your DD and her friends need more resilience on this. Teen girls have always been like this in my limited experience. We had a smaller group, with two bigger groups in our class. We had fun together, looked after each other, and are still in touch. Eventually one bigger group fragmented with lots of arguments, a few girls joined us and the test joined the much bigger group. I remember one trying to tease me and I just asked her if she was really that insecure; instead of cobtinuing to tease she actually burst into tears. At a school reunion, it was the girls from the bigger group who felt they struggled in school with the bitchiness. Our friends were fine.

Your DD and her friends need to learn to value each other more. It isn't useful to have 8 people who might be your friends one day but taking the piss about your hairstyle the next. It is useful to have a friend who is always on your team, always looking out for you, and who sees your worth. When they believe in that rock solid fallback of each other, the silliness from the other girls won't affect them. If she gets upset, remind her that each of her friends is worth 10 of the flaky bitchy others.

Another one here to say focus on the couple of good friends. Ignore the big group drama. Two good friends that stick with you far outweigh the constant shuffling and falling out that comes with bigger groups.

Oh my gosh. Thank you for these comments. It’s been really helpful to read.

I will definitely get that book, Queen Bees and Wannabes.

I think the general consensus is that it does get better and this is a particularly sensitive age - I did already suspect that but it’s reassuring to hear.

I do feel from the girls who have started excluding/ targeting her there is jealousy going on.

my daughter is very beautiful (not just me saying, she has been a child model and cast in international campaigns but we stoped all that as it became too much) the last year she has grown up very quickly.

shes 5’4, a size 4/6 with a 32C chest unbelievably at 12! 12!!!!!. The poor thing can’t catch a break. Constantly being mocked for ‘having a boob job’ and the boys cannot stop commenting on her. Positive and negative comments, but I think the level of attention, and the clear difference in her body to the other girls has caused major issues.

If she does well in sports, the girls call her too competitive, if she stops trying they call her lazy and call her out for not helping the team (netball games) she can’t win really.

she has a goofy personality, they tell her she embarrasses them, but it’s ok for the other girls to be goofy?

my daughters also quite head strong, and will argue her point (too much!!!) we are working in this a lot; but I do feel that the level of unpleasantness being targeted at her is really unfair. Just desperate for the poor kid to be happy. Seems like such a simple wish but so so hard, she’s a nice girl, and thankful the 2 friends she has found are pretty similar to her also; both quite goofy too.

i’m in to see school this AM as she’s utterly miserable and received daily public humiliation in one way or another.

I was one of those naive parents who thought it would get easier when they got older…. Just new challenges appear. Looking forward to getting her through the next few years.

So constantly being mocked for having a boob job is bullying as is commenting on personal appearance so you need to inform the school about this when you are in this morning. If you can name names, do it. Again the same with the attitude of the girls doing sports. Report it all. They will keep doing it because they can as no one is putting a stop to it.

Hopefully school will come down hard on it and if it escalates then you report that too and the sanctions should get harsher for the perpetrators.

Year 7 can be a real mix of navigating new friends and often old friends making a huge point of casting off their primary school friendships as some sort of maturity indicator. Plus it allows them to reinvent themselves a little.

Good luck in your meeting and if you have time look at your school's bullying policy to see what they state their response should be. Your daughter is being bullied. I hope the school deal with it promptly.

Yeah the comments on her body are not acceptable.

Other than that, Year 7 is stressful for all them. It's a huge upheaval and the biggest test of friendships carried over from primary. My DD is in Year 8 now and her time in secondary school has involved an evolving friendship group. For a while she felt tolerated rather than loved and she was heartbroken. But things are okay again now.

Yes tell the form tutor about the bullying comments.

there is a tall poppy syndrome too - people envy the tall, striking, talented person that they aspire to be so they try and bring them down. Worth reading up on.

This age was quite the time for us as well. The first year of high school was torrid, some kids from her year suddenly became mean, throw their weight about and their nature was so different. But we had already discussed how in high school some kids do change and it’s all really down to hiding their own anxieties, and the problem was them, not her. I also warned her some of her current friends might be swayed by new friendships - indeed that did happen. But the prep we did with her helped her keep a straight head , even when she was so down.

you are VERY right to keep tabs on her phone, from my experience kids swap numbers and join groups fast in a bid to form new friendships and they go sour so fast. We ended up involving the local police, as nudes and blackmail were being sent.

As hoped everything calmed down, the school reports reflect this (the teachers said she had a dip in her first year and really struggled and now she’s so much more confident and has good friends). I feel like I have my daughter back.

Secondary teacher here. The early teen years can be very challenging for girls especially. The amount of drama that goes on with friendship groups is incredible. I think it’s great that your DD has 2 friends to form a nice little friendship group with and she should focus on that. In my experience, it’s much harder to be in a friendship ‘pack’ of 8/9 girls, because there is inevitably so much jostling to be Queen Bee and so many permutations for some to fall out with others and then try to ostracise them from the group, it’s horrible.

There probably is some jealousy towards your daughter for being attractive but in all honesty, mean girls will find ANYTHING to pick on: too pretty/not pretty; weight; wearing glasses; clothes out of school; music tastes; being academic - they will find something to mock if they want to.

Keep working on your DD’s self esteem and resilience; nurture the friendship group she does have, and reassure her about all the things she’s great at.

Teach DD some nice retorts to say to the girls. If a boy comments on her chest, tell her to respond that his willy is small or something.

My DD went to a small girls school in year 7 and had an awful time. The girls really ramp up their queen bee activities and exclusion etc. Was doing very well but really not settling into any meaningful friendships. It took through to year 10 for things to settle. Girls can be soooo horrid to one another