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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate my sister...

13 replies

Pheebe · 13/05/2008 15:52

This could be a huge possible and its entirely possible no one will care but I need to let this out somewhere. I've posted bits of this elsewhere and had some realyl helpful replies but can't seem to find them now.

Anyway, brief background. My younger sister is going through a 'crisis'. She has a shitty bf who's a 'reformed' drug addict and has been in and out of prison for their whole relationship and has bascially ruined her life every which way. But she still loves him so fine I support that, her choice. He recently came out after a 2 year stint, clean and apparently ready to make a proper start get married start a family etc etc but within 2 weeks announced he didn't want my sis, didn't want a realtionship jsut wanted to enjoy himself and regain the last 10 years. Obviously sis utterly breoken by this to the point I thought she might top herself. Roll forward a few days, she takes him back, starts going to councelling and suddenly turns on my mum whos supported her all her life dug her out of every finanacila mess she's ever got into and basically been the emotional support her bf should have been. This has all now been thrown back in mums face, mums devastated, sis hasn't phoned me for weeks as I think she knows I have a few choice words for her and she's 'not ready to talk yet'.

Theres lots more to this but thats enough for now. I'm getting to the point when I'm starting to hate her for the ways she's abused our mum, ignored my dss (who she claims to love) and ignored and hurt me by turning to some waster friend of hers who is quite frankly as bad as her bf.

I just don't know what to do, its so so painful, I can't do anything to make this right and I feel like I'm going to explode every time I think about it.

Where do I go from here???

OP posts:
eddiejo · 13/05/2008 16:03

You can't do anthing but be there ready for when the whole thing falls apart again. Yeah you may want to rip her head off and chew her up but it won't get you or her anywhere will it. She is clearly not in a good place and is totally led by this lowlife and the surrounding limpits.
When she does contact you. be calm and listen. Guaranteed she will feel shittier than you and will be ready for your help.

Some of us end up being people who look after others no matter what. You're obviously a goody or she wouldn't shit on you and your mum so much. She feels that you offer conditional love which is easy to abuse - as demonstrated spectactularly!!

Kimi · 13/05/2008 16:04

Pheebe sometimes we just have to let go of the ones we love and let them dig themself in to a hole.
Only when your sister has truly hit rock bottom without being dug out by a loving family will she hopefully see the light.

I know walking away will be hard but I think for now at least you need to

summersun06 · 13/05/2008 16:07

I'm sorry to hear about you sister's treatment of you and your Mum. I know it doesn't feel like it but in my experence people tend to take there anger/sadness out on the people closest to them...although it doesn't help matters but your sister is prob so upset after suporting her bf all this time (even though they are back together) and for his treatment towards her. She must feel so confused to and just wants to take it out on someone else.

I think you and your Mum most be finding this so differcult, when all you have done is help her...maybe its a good idea to take a step back and just wait..your sister will need you both again (very soon by the sounds of it) I'm sure when this time comes she will realise what a tower of strength you have both been.

Keep your chin up Hugs

Original poster
Pheebe · 13/05/2008 16:09

I think you're both right. I haven't contacted her, I've been trying to respect her need for space while she's dealing with whatever it is she thinks she's dealing with.

The thing with my mum really makes me angry though, imo she's been abusing my mum with no good reason calling her toxic, blaming her for everything thats gone wrong in her life etc etc. MY MUM IS NOT TOXIC, she's lovely, caring and thoughtful, sometimes a little too much but not anything like the parents described on the stately homes threads. I think part of me is scared that sis's councellor is winding this toxic thing up out of all proportion without having any perspective on the situation except what she gets from sis. At least thats how it seems to me.

I can't udnertand why she's still with this waster but do respect the fact its her decision.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pheebe · 13/05/2008 16:10

thanks for teh hugs dh is brill and very supportive but I can't keep boring him with all this

OP posts:
summersun06 · 13/05/2008 16:16

Some times we look at people we care about and wish we could sort there lives out for them but sadly we all must make our own mistakes and learn from them. Sometimes when people are at the lowest point they think illogical, I know I have many a time!

summersun06 · 13/05/2008 16:18

Must go and make dd tea but keep your chin up Pheebe xx

Original poster
Pheebe · 13/05/2008 16:20

thanks summer me too ... easy spag bol I think

OP posts:
summersun06 · 14/05/2008 14:26

Hi Pheebe are you feeling any better today? x

Original poster
Pheebe · 14/05/2008 20:03

Hi Summer
How kind of you to ask Yes feeling more with it today. Had a good cry with DH last night, not a discussion just a cry which really helped. Its all just so frustrating at the moment...

OP posts:
may2december · 14/05/2008 21:54

You only 'hate' your sister because you love her so much. If you didn't you wouldn't care. Give yourself a break, you are a compassionate sister who wants to make things right for her - but you can't. All you can realistically do is leave her alone but be there for her if she needs you (but only so much as you can cope with - sometimes tough love is the only way for both parties). Best wishes and count your blessings (your man truly loves you, hers only loves himself).

Original poster
Pheebe · 15/05/2008 08:16

You're so right may, thank you for your kind words. this thread has already helped hugely

OP posts:
summersun06 · 15/05/2008 12:51

Glad to hear your feeling a bit better Pheebe. I undersatand life can be really frustrating sometimes but it sounds like you have a great DH make the most of his shoulder to cry on x

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