Annoyed at my sister

[MoMhathair]

This is more of a rant, but questions/advice/challenges are welcome.

I'm mid forties, my sister is quite a bit younger. We live close to each other. I have two teens, she has a toddler and a primary school child. When my two were little she lived quite far away. She was helpful to a certain extent but had no kids herself so didn't really understand what was needed and tended to visit and do very little. That was fine, I didn't mind, though I would have appreciated more help.

Now that she has two small ones she asks for help quite a bit. That's fine, except that I work in full-on job and while my two kids don't require the input of small ones, there's still a lot to do. My hormones are all over the place, I'm knackered and I don't want to spend much time babysitting - I've had small children and I'm still in the thick of parenting.

Due to the age difference the dynamic between us is very parent/child -she asks me for help but I don't ask her for help and I think she would find it weird if I did. To be fair I don't really want help I just want to get on with what I'm doing.

One weird aspect of the parent/child thing is she can't take my disapproval at all - any suggestion of criticism from me really upsets her. At the same time she can be a bit teenagery - sniping at me as a child would to a parent, which enrages me (though I don't say anything).

I find myself resentful when she asks for help and I don't want it building up over time and becoming an issue between us.

I can see with typing this out that our dynamic is way off and I need to fix it. I just don't know how. Any thoughts would be really appreciated.

I live quite far from my older sis, there is a 10+ year age gap between her eldest and my youngest. I travelled to her a couple of times at my own expense to look after her dc before I had mine. I wish I’d done it loads more now that I know what it actually means. She hasn’t offered yet, even though hers are a bit older they’re still not independent but I live in hope that it might be offered at some point. I would never ask, but I would really appreciate it.

If the distance wasn’t an issue then I would have been over there shooing her and her DH out as often as possible though, I would absolutely LOVE to have been able to do that for them, dcs are hard on a relationship.

Depends...What specifically does she want help with? If it is babysitting regularly, just keep saying no. If it is a one off "help me assemble some flat pack furniture" then help her if you can.

I would just gradually make yourself less available. ‘Sorry can’t do next Weds, I’ve got the dentist’, big week at work in early April, so I need to focus on that. She needs to stop relying on you as an option.

The help can be various things, like bringing her places, but mainly it's babysitting.

I'd like to get to a point where I'm not 'mother' providing for her - where we both help each other, but I'm not sure how to get there.

If she doesn't drive, I would encourage her to learn so that she doesnt need to keep asking you. If she doesn't want to learn, tell her to get an uber or a taxi or buses or trains like every other non-driving person on the planet has to.

Suggest she book herself driving lessons so that they start at her house and finish at her chosen destination (or vice versa) so that she is getting a lesson but saving the price of a taxi.

Re babysitting, is it possible for your DC to babysit hers? "I can't that day as I've got plans, but DC is looking for a Saturday job - do you want me to see if s/he'll watch the kids for you? Let me know your budget - s/he'll probably do it for £XX. Gosh, I remember spending a fortune on babysitters when mine were little. Urgh, adulting is expensive, isn't it? Here's hoping for that lottery win."

I would also encourage her to build her support network, go to baby/toddler classes and meet other local mums with whom she can swap babysitting favours occasionally.

I would also encourage you to see her without her kids or your kids so that you can spend some time together as sisters/equals instead you being constantly seen in a babysitter/parent/wish-granter role.