To want to completely leave the corporate life?

[feelinghopeless2025]

NC for this.

45 years old, been in the corporate world since I left Uni in EA type roles. Climbed my way up the ladder, and 3 years ago started working for myself- work with similar clients in similar roles but on a freelance basis.

The older I get, the harder it is. I got my ADHD diagnosis last year, and ever since then it feels like the mask has dropped and I'm slowly realising that work is incredibly difficult when you're not spending every waking moment of your life faking it as a productive person. I've always considered myself an organised Type A person, but I think actually I've just been pretending to be that.

Peri menopause may also be at play (waiting for blood test results) but day to day it's just unbearable. I am anxious about everything, I'm making stupid mistakes left and right, have lost clients as a result, and I spend every single day feeling ashamed and stupid- it's a horrible feeling to feel all day every day. I have several clients and if I'm not making a mistake with one I'm doing it with another, so I feel constantly like I'm going to be fired by each of them. Its exhausting.

When I finish work at 6pm I just go and lay down on my bed and stare at the ceiling until bedtime. I have lost all interest and joy in anything else in my life- but my alarm goes off and I manage to drag myself up for work because if I don't, I don't get paid.

I am not suicidal, but I do often dream of running away, or even not waking up tomorrow. I have lost a family member to suicide and have seen the impact it has on those left behind, so I wouldn't ever actually do this. I have a therapist, I'm speaking to my GP regularly, but I feel like because I'm not suicidal, nobody is listening to me. But I honestly feel on the brink every single day.

I'm sick of work being my entire life- of it being the first thing I think of when I get up, and the last thing I think of at night, and the only thing I do in between. I consider going back to an employed role, but the job market is hell and honestly I just don't even know how I"d be able to sell myself at this point. I have realised that I've chosen completely the wrong career and doing something that requires you to be detail orientated is actually a nightmare for me and my brain- I need something creative or bigger picture, but short of retraining I can't see how that is open to me at this stage.

The idea of feeling like this for another 20+ years is making me miserable. I often dream of packing in the corporate life all together and going to work in a shop or a cafe or something, not that I think those jobs don't have their own difficulties but a role where I could leave work at work each night and not have to think about it again until the next day feels like bliss. Also it would obviously be a pay cut and a serious change in how I live my life- which doesn't seem fair on my partner.

I just feel so lost and trapped and done with it all. Has anyone else experienced this and how did you get through it?

(Apologies for the essay!)

I'm the almost exact same place, but with a mortgage and 2 young kids I have to have the flex and salary that comes with a corporate job. The thought of doing this for another 20 odd years is soul destroying but I need a WFH job that pays the same!!

Do it!

Could you talk to your partner about how you are feeling? maybe you can make some changes so you can make a change.

My partner is aware and very supportive- but his job is tricky at the moment as well, his company just made some redundancies (which he survived, but writing is on the wall so he's having to start looking elsewhere) and I just don't want to make the situation worse. He was very supportive to me when I started working for myself, including financially, and now I earn very well- it wouldn't be fair to put that on him again I don't think.

Around about the same age as you, almost overnight, my drive and ambition just evaporated. I'd lost both my parents, was in the grip of menopause and I just suddenly couldn't give a shit about my corporate career. I'd climbed the ladder too, was promoted beyond my wildest expectations and used to bounce in to work. Then all that motivation and drive just went, so I left. I've never once missed it or regretted it. I've bumbled along for the last few years. I work as a Housekeeper. I don't love it, I don't hate it but it keeps me active and I'd far rather be doing it than any officey corporate job.

Sounds very much like peri to me. Blood tests won't diagnose that reliably, so if you are interested in trying HRT, I would ask your doctor directly for that, and list your symptoms. It made a huge difference for me in similar circumstances.

Can you give yourself six months or a year, wait until partner is settled, then change? Give yourself that time to work out what you want to do.

At 45, pretty much every woman is at least in peri menopause. Don't underestimate just how powerful hormones are. You take everything gor granted and assume it'll always be there until one day it just isn't! Sex drive, ambition, motivation etc. It all starts to wane.

Why don’t you reduce your workload? Drop some clients and get your work life balance right. It seems work sucks all the life out of you and that’s not right. No wonder you can’t go on like that.

Absolutely this!! It’s peri causing the anxiety and forgetfulness and tiredness. And then you beat yourself up about it and feel miserable, and the spiral downwards starts.

I’m not sure if you’re aware @feelinghopeless2025but hormonal changes (i.e. peri) exacerbate ADHD symptoms so you’re being hit with a double whammy. Peri on its own can be bad enough but combined with ADHD, it really does make you question your life, yourself, everything and feel like what is the bloody point?! Sound familiar?

I’m 54 now and have had long Covid for 4.5 years (so from age 49ish) and it’s only as part of the long Covid investigations that I learned that a lot of my symptoms were also down to peri. In hindsight it seems stupid that I didn’t realise. After all, Davina’s been harping on about menopause on TV etc yet somehow I didn’t put it together that the brain fog and tiredness and anxiety might actually be peri-sodding-menopause until I saw a sports doctor (I was getting constant injuries in the gym, despite training for years without injuries and being a qualified gym instructor) and she spotted it immediately.

Despite being high risk for breast cancer (due to my family history), I started HRT and that has helped massively. The anxiety has pretty much gone, I’m no longer irritable (well not any more irritable than usual ha!) and I don’t feel on the verge of tears all the time. I would definitely recommend trying HRT as I strongly suspect you will notice an improvement too. If I reduce my HRT dose, the symptoms are back within days.

As for ADHD, I was diagnosed with it during the long Covid ‘investigations’. My employer paid for me to have some coaching to help with the long Covid cognitive issues I was struggling with and the psychologist who initially interviewed me (for 2 hours!) asked me at the end if anyone had ever suggested to me that I might have ADHD. Er, no. Turns out he was 100% right and I’ve since been through the formal diagnosis process and now take Concerta XL when I’m working to help with my concentration/ADHD. Which is how I’ve learnt about peri making ADHD worse.

This whole process has been a huge learning experience for me - as well as bloody shock to be frank - and as a single woman, I need to keep working as I’m my only source of income so stepping back and/or going part time isn’t an option for me. If nothing else, I have huge medical bills to pay. I work in Financial Services and have what’s considered to be a senior role under a lot of pressure to perform as well as having to be highly organised/structured. I have a reputation for being super-sharp. However, these days I feel like a bloody goldfish most of the time. Am I coping? Barely. It’s the classic swan on the surface of the water looking smooth and calm and an absolute shitshow under the water that no-one sees. Somehow I managed to get promoted at work last year despite me knowing that I am hanging on by my fingernails. I don’t have anything solutions for you - other than try HRT and see if that helps - but I have learnt to be kind to myself and am trying to embrace, or rather, tolerate this middle-aged version of me. I need a LOT more rest than I used to. I am obsessive about my boundaries. I take high quality supplements to support myself as much as I can. And I say no to people a lot (and feel guilty and ashamed about it frequently but I’m working on that).

Sorry for such a long post. Sending you a big hug. You’re not alone in this.

Thanks to people who have shared their experiences- it helps to know I'm not alone.

I am speaking to my doctor again today, but last time they were reluctant to prescribe HRT because I'm young. At this point I'll try anything, I can't go on like this- as I say I am not suicidal right now, but I can see how I'd feel pushed to breaking point if every day for the next 20 odd years feels like this.

At 45, you're absolutely not too young for perimenopause. As others have said, the range of symptoms is huge and they can be so debilitating. Blood tests are useless, you need to keep track of your symptoms. There's a great app called Balance which you can use to track symptoms and lifestyle stuff like sleep and exercise

I started HRT last year aged 44 and I feel so much better in every possible way. Couldn't recommend it enough. You don't have to live like this x