How would you take this?

[Feelinglikeacrapmam]

Apologies it's a long one but would appreciate views before I go into school to discuss this tomorrow.

DS5 goes to a special school due to his additional needs, one of which is a significant speech delay.
This morning he went into school with a black eye after falling out of bed in his sleep last night. I informed the school and they decided due to this black eye and a large bruise on his lower calf back in Oct 2024 they were going to do a safeguarding referral to social services.

My DCs disability social worker then arrived at my house this afternoon and immediately closed the referral as she knows me, knows both my DC (both SEN) and knows I can't do anything else to make my home a safe environment for DS.

I understand the reason for referral, it's a cracking black eye and because DS doesn't have the language to explain how it happened. Social worker confirmed it is only these two bruises, the leg and the eye, that triggered the referral and there are no other safeguarding concerns being raised by the school.

Here's my AIBU, the safeguarding lead told me the referral was being made after a discussion with the education authority it had been agreed that 'i had been identified as a mum who needed extra support'
Please note the wording there, no 'might' need support but with finality they had decided I needed support. They agree with how the injury occurred and are not accusing me of inflicting the injury and I am in daily contact with the school via a home/school digital diary.

How would you perceive this comment?
AIBU they were just offering help

AINBU this wording means they think you are a neglectful/shit parent who can not keep her DC safe from harm without additional outside help. (I'm a single parent and when the DC are not at school they are with me, their dad is not involved in their lives)

I have no issue with the referral itself, just the way it was phrased. Happy to answer any questions.

@Feelinglikeacrapmam - I’m sorry OP. It must be difficult for you. But I don’t think they meant it in a you are a bad mom. I think they meant it it’s a difficult situation and you have more than one child with additional needs and that has too be difficult. I have 3 kids and with work, house and husband it’s full on - and we have no additional needs. You sound caring and articulate and your kids are in good hands

In all honesty OP, I think it was just a poor choice of words, and due to the referral you're probably feeling a bit sensitive. Put it behind you, and move on would be my advice, as you're clearly a good Mum.

They aren’t saying you’re neglectful they’re saying you have a lot on your hands and need support. It’s meant to be helpful. You’ll probably find they have different ways of categorising families based on their needs - and have identified you need support.

I wouldn’t take it badly. You have an awful lot on your plate and maybe extra support would help you ?

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job and they recognise that.

If extra support means a break for you or extra assistance I’d advise you to take it.

@Ph3 thank you for your kind message. In all honesty it's not difficult, yes DS is physically exhausting as he's non stop (including in his sleep hence falling out of bed lol) and DD is mentally exhausting but our house is full of laughter every day. I haven't parented an NT child so I don't know any different, but I think all parenting is hard, NT or ND, it's just hard in different ways. I don't feel like I need a break or any respite/help/support but I do have a support network I can turn to if I did.

@Feelinglikeacrapmam of course it is! I’m sorry if my message implied your family is different in a negative way!! It was not my intention. I meant we love our kids so much and want the world for them and as you said parenting is hard! But you wouldn’t change them for the world! My eldest is 12 and full on teenage mode 😱. Yesterday we had an argument about setting the dinner table because he had put plates and cups which were heavier than the cutlery and napkins my 10 year old had put on the table which obviously 🙄 takes more effort! 🤣 honestly sometimes I’m lost for words. All we can do is our best and love them. The fact you are here asking questions shows you care. ❤️

If you have the opportunity to get respite care, grab it with both hands. Sometimes you need the break to see how much you need the break. And being in line for respite care will become more important as the kids get older.

I think the school are trying to help you.

@RoastDinnerSmellsNice I agree in the poor choice of words and this is what I intend to raise during the meeting tomorrow. I would've been upset/annoyed but fully understanding of the referral if they had said they thought I "might" need help and they wanted to explore that with me, but it pissed me off stating unequivocally that I "needed" it when I don't feel like I do. I manage both DCs behaviour challenges very well and do have a support network if needed which school are aware of. Thank you for your kind words, it took me a long time but I can now say with pride I AM a good mum but this really made me wobble today

@Jellycatspyjamas I'm hoping they will clarify this during our meeting tomorrow, exactly how they categorised me. I currently can't take the wording to mean anything other than as my OP hence me asking for views here as I know I'm not in the right mindframe to see other views by myself. Thank you for taking the time to post

@graceinspace999 thanks to you also for your kind words. Unfortunately the social worker isn't really able to offer any additional support and I don't really feel I need it anyway

No i didn't take it negatively (despite taking everything else negatively today 🫣) I think it's a generalisation that ND is harder to parent than NT DC and I just don't see it that way. (Not that I think you think that, oh lord the overthinking is alive and kicking tonight!)

ah the teenage years, can't wait for those! DD is almost 10 and puberty is starting to kick in.....still my sweet little girl mostly but tiny flashes of attitude lol

@parietal respite is definitely not being offered and honestly there are many many many families here that are in desperate need of it so I wouldn't accept it anyway. I think your comment of not realising I need a break until I get one sounds interesting and I'll maybe take my friend up on her offer to babysit in the near future and see if that holds any truth for me. Thank you

I don't think a parent of a child with additional needs requiring additional support makes them a shit parent. I don't think they are implying you are a shit parent at all, just recognising that parenting a child with additional needs can be very challenging.