AIBU to not tell my ex about someone new that I'm seeing yet?

[southwestmama]

I ended my 8 year relationship with my son's father at the start of October 2024, I wasn't happy, he had no passion or joy for anything, his main priority was always make and save more money, not the worst thing in the world but it had an impact on everything we did and he would always make comments etc about our money and other people's money and what they spent their money on. We had agreed an amount that I paid into our joint account and I wasn't always the best as saving my own money but the money I was meant to pay into the joint account I would always pay in and I paid for 85-90% of clothes for our son, 50% of clothes for his daughter from a previous relationship that he had 50/50 custody of and 80% of all xmas and birthday presents, alongside little treats for the kids and days out with my son (as a family it would usually come out of the joint account). I also had a disabled father, and my mum would ask my sister and I to sometimes stay with him if she was away and the last time she asked was shortly before we broke up and he instantly said "no, you're not doing it. She can sort something else", which was not an option. If I ever expressed any discomfort in the way I looked, he would always say "eat less, move more", he never made me feel like he loved my body in any way, shape or form, to the point I asked him several times if he had an issue with the way I looked. I felt lost and sad all the time and I think I had checked out of the relationship long before I actually left. We now co-parent 50/50, 4 days with me, 4 days with his dad.
I am now nearly 6 months out of the relationship and 5 weeks ago I reconnected with an old school friend and things have progressed. He lives approx 150 miles away and he visited me 3 weeks ago when my son was at his dads, they didn't meet. I then visited him, again on my son's days with his dad and I am planning to go this weekend, yet again my son is with his dad and my visiting doesn't impact the days or times he is with his dad.
His dad seems to feel entitled to know exactly what I'm doing all the time when my son is not with me and I don't feel like that's necessary information for him to have, I understand that he needs to know I'm going away but he doesn't need to know exactly where I am or who I'm spending my time with. I have not introduced my son and the guy I'm seeing yet and I'm not planning to for a little while and before I do, I will tell his dad that I am seeing someone and have been for a while and that I want to introduce him to my son.
My question is, up until that point, do I need to tell my ex that I'm seeing someone new? I don't want to tell him and then things ending with the new guy, I know that my ex will make comments about how many people I see etc if that was to happen and I want to enjoy these early stages of getting to know new guy properly without being criticised etc, because everything I do is analysed still as though my ex still controls me.

it’s literally nothing to do with him. Why would you tell him?!

It's absolutely nothing to do with him....

When I started seeing dp, we didn't go out of our way to tell our ex's. It wasn't a secret, it's just a non-thing for us.

He's very controlling and there was an element of fear in the relationship.

I really like this new guy and I know it's early days but the level of control that was in the relationship was quite high and now he goes out of his way to try and keep some form of control over me

Tell him nothing.

OP you’re not in the relationship anymore. So really , as long as you don’t enter into a similar relationship again, none of that matters.

My xh was the same, and my first xh was abusive in every single way you can think of. So I get it.... But you need to start taking back control. He's nothing to do with you now, and what you do and who with is nothing to do with him. Stop telling him anything about your life.

Have you had some counselling?

I think the fact that you are even thinking about whether you should tell him suggests there's still a level at which you are in his control. I'm not sure I'd see that as a good place to start a new relationship. Have you had therapy? Or done the Freedom programme?

I am starting therapy at the end of this month, I also lost my dad at the start of the year so theres a lot going on

I understand where you are coming from.
HOWEVER - you are not in a relationship with your ex.
If he needs to contact you that is still possible and you can be back, if necessary, relatively quickly.
YOU OWE YOUR EX NOTHING.

I had zero plans to pursue any form of relationship and this started completely organically, it just progressed naturally from a friendship into this and it's been really lovely, and it really took me by surprise too, I didn't have any intentions of having a relationship. I am starting therapy at the end of this month as I also lost my dad at the start of the year.

The fact the he was a controlling arse, doesn't mean he gets to continue being a controlling arse OP.
I predict, if you tell him you're going away to see another bloke, your child will become suddenly very ill (or similar) and you will need to come home (whereupon a dramatic recovery will occur.

Fuck him. He gets to talk to you about your son & nothing more. You're months off this guy meeting your kid, just enjoy yourself for a while before inviting drama.

The fact that you lay out a load of justification about how you did (more than) your fair share in your OP indicates that you're still stuck in a place where you don't feel free to be yourself without thinking you're being watched or judged. You must be exhausted.

Agree that you may find The Freedom Programme really helpful. I think you can find it online? Also Lundy Bancroft 'why does he do that' which can be found online.

Thank you, it would be a 3 hour drive back which isn't terrible, not ideal in an emergency but much better than if I'd gone abroad for a holiday like he did after he broke up with his daughter's mum every year. There's definitely a level of resentment towards me because I was the one that walked away from the relationship but everything has improved including my relationship with my non-verbal autistic son.

Thank you for this, it was really hard and I'm riddled with anxiety everytime we do the drop off/pick up because he always finds something new to need to stand there and discuss with me and it's exhausting

He is your ex. That means you live separate lives and your only joint requirement is communication regarding your child.

He doesn't need to know anything about what you're doing and you don't need to know what he's doing. Is he informing you of what he's doing and where he's going? I doubt it but if he is tell him you don't really need to know that much information.

I take it you've unfortunately fallen into a routine if giving him too much information. Stop sharing about your private life. Keep conversations to just being about your son. If he asks more about what you're doing say you haven't decided yet or keep answers very vague like catching up with some household jobs etc. It doesn't need to even be particularly truthful. It's not his business. You live separately now.

You don't need to stand there and discuss it. Something like "thanks for letting me know that" or "I'll give it some thought" should help end the conversation. Then say bye and go.

Yep
Try to let go of fearing him & see if you can switch to viewing him more like an annoying, boring guy at work - Polite, brief, factual & get the fuck out of there.

Thank you everyone - I will try and incorporate the suggestions into drop off and pick ups and not engage too much in conversations at the moment. He definitely feels entitled to know everything and seems to want to make everything difficut and when I don't really engage in conversation, he will turn the tables and say that I'm making him uncomfortable and feel hated etc, which isn't what I'm doing, I'm just trying to put a boundary in place.

I think it's quite positive (for you) that he's saying he feels uncomfortable & 'feels hated' (eye roll).

It means the dynamic isn't the one he wants or is used to - he's uncomfortable & throwing a wobbly because you're asserting a boundary by not dancing to his tune.

His feelings are his own to manage. It was never your responsibility to make him feel happy & comfortable.
And you most certainly aren't responsible for him feeling liked & cared for that now you have parted! What a baby he is.

I think you need a break a long habit of centering him & his feelings over your own.

And please be super careful you don't end up doing the same with the new guy, it's a hard habit to break if you're a natural people pleaser. It's perfectly healthy to say no sometimes and valuable to see how partners react.whenyou do before you get too enmeshed.

It's absolutely not his business whom you're seeing. Please arrange some counselling to process this confusion about why his feelings carry so much importance. They absolutely no longer do. You seem to have good boundaries around your son and new relationship. That's great.