To talk to DF about his parents' probate

[Velmy]

My DF's parents both passed away around a year ago, within a few weeks of each other.

Their estate will be worth quite a significant amount - two properties and cash. I'm not sure exactly how much, but at least in the low seven figures. The only beneficiaries in the will are my DF and my brother, so nothing complicated there.

There is a solicitor dealing with the probate, but they are apparently a poor communicator and DP isn't the best at dealing with these things. He still works in a high-level executive position, and while he wasn't affected by his parents' death, he's had a stressful 12 months with work, and my DM being quite seriously ill.

Probably complicating things is the fact that DF had an extremely difficult relationship with his parents, with virtually zero contact for the last 20+ years and only very sporadic prior to that. They were incredibly difficult and unpleasant people and he finds talking about them, even to us, quite hard.

This money should be going towards his upcoming retirement; DM is concerned that something has gone wrong with the process and he's not telling her to keep her from the stress.

I have no experience of probate (and Google is giving me all kinds of answers) but this does feel like a long time...brother and I are currently contemplating raising it with him, but knowing how difficult he finds these kind of conversations, we don't want to stress him out needlessly if this is actually quite normal.

I'm going to post in legal for some legal advice, but for here, given that it's been over a year, would it be unreasonable of us to have a bit of a crisis meeting with DF to find out what's going on, and if we can help?

It can take quite some time to apply for probate, especially if it's a complicated estate. There's no time limit on it, as far as I am aware, but things could get quite complicated if your DFs parents died quite soon after each other.

If there is inheritance tax to pay, there is a limit of 12 months to send the inheritance tax forms. So this probably should have been done by now, otherwise there is a fine to pay, and interest on the tax payments after 6 months.

While a solicitor can fill in the forms and check everything over, they will most likely need information from the executors of the wills (is this your DF?), such as details of the deceased bank accounts, pensions, properties, investments etc.

|f your DF is an executor, but doesn't feel up to managing the paperwork, I believe he can legally step down from this role, but would need some advice how to do this. Is his brother able to help at all?

It's my brother who is the other person in the will, which is what's making things difficult - Our DF doesn't like delegating to family even when he's struggling!

Your post confirms a lot of the things we're worried about to be honest - DF brushes off DMs questions about it with the old "It's fine, I'm dealing with it/Waiting for the solicitor to get back to me" but we don't actually know if any of the relevant forms have been completed/submitted or where about in the process they are.

These are all good things to ask him though, thank you!

Are your DF and your brother both executors as well as beneficiaries? Could your brother contact the solicitor to see what stage things are at? Or would this cause upset to your DF?

It’s so tricky, the estate does need to be sorted, but if your DF is not good at delegating, or passing on information, then it makes it all very difficult. I do think that at the very least, your brother , as an executor, needs to sit down with your father and sort things out. Perhaps point out that deadlines may now have passed. I appreciate that may be easier said than done though.

Well if the solicitor has submitted the estate for probate then it is just a waiting game and can take months or years. If it's a large estate then that takes longer, and the fact that the husband and wife died quite close maybe another complicating factor.

Any IHT on the estate also has to be paid before probate can be granted, and you imply that this could be quite a hefty amount. Could this be holding up your DF?

Obviously there is a backstory here, but why family members have to make these things so bloody difficult I dont know.

If I was your DB I would be asking your DF what on earth was going on, and if I got fobbed off again I would call the solicitor myself. Is your DB an executor too? If he's not the solicitor might not be able to say too much in detail but he should be able to give you an idea of what's happening.

Brother is just a beneficiary as far as he is aware - presumably he would have been informed if this wasn't the case?

He's avoided contacting the solicitor until now as the solicitor (assuming he isn't the one at fault) will then go back to DF, and he really doesn't want to put pressure on DF if he's genuinely not had time to get things done.

Like you say though I think we're going to have to rip off the bandaid with it and sit down with him soon. Both brother and DF are very lucky to not be in a position to 'need' the money, but it makes no sense letting it take longer than necessary, especially if there are fines/interest potentially building up.

I've made it clear to my brother that although I'm not a beneficiary of the will, I'm expecting a VERY large glass of wine if I end up being the one corralling DF into getting it sorted 😅

I think you are remarkably blasé about not being in the will. It is pretty unfair that your brother inherits and you do not . After all , you are also a grandchild. Is it a patriarchal family where only the males count . I wonder if your father will leave you out of his will too. I wouid tell your father to get on board as otherwise only the solicitor and the State will benefit . Then encourage him to make a new will to reflect this money and take care of your mother as well as you.

IME solicitors do take a long time with managing estates. I used to work in Wills and Probate, and there was always a very large caseload, and estates just had to wait their turn.

On my father's estate, the probate was granted quickly but the solicitors took a long time even after the house sale was completed. Then they wanted to hang onto the money for a further 6 months in case an illegitimate child appeared out of the woodwork, even though we were all named in the Will - we had to sign a disclaimer to get them to distribute the money.

I'm confused ... your father and brother will inherit all this but you get nothing? Why is that?

Exactly what I wondered @FrenchandSaunders

Who is the executor of your grandparents estate. Who dealt with both their deaths at the time. Presumably when the first grandparent died there was an executor, that will be a delay if there are 2 estates to deal with. Have any of the beneficiaries seen the will and the terms and conditions of the executor. As beneficiaries your father and brother can ask for an update, what's happened with the 2 houses, have they been sold.
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DF and DP are both your father?

Who is DF? Father? Fiancé? Very confused what is going on here.

I'm confused who is who, it would be easier to follow without the abbreviations if you can op

Thanks for your reply. Yes, massive backstory here, they were very difficult and unpleasant people - frankly it case as a bit of a shock that anything was left in the will, we always assumed he'd draw every penny out as cash and use it to burn his house down before giving anyone else a penny!

I think DB and I will sit DF down and have a chat with him soon, and maybe suggest DB takes on communication with the solicitor for him.

Sorry that was a typo and I can't edit the post - should all read DF (father)

Have you got another thread going about this

Long story but essentially they're not my grandparents.

My father raised me from being about 18 months old - technically my step-father but we've never used that term. My younger brother is their biological grandson.

I hadn't seen or heard from them in over 20 years when they passed and never had much to do with them beforehand. Don't think I ever had a birthday card off them so I certainly wasn't expecting anything in the will 😅

Yes in legal, as per my original post.

Was hoping for thoughts on how we can approach this with my father here, rather than the legal questions I've kept in a separate thread.

Who is the executor of your grandparents estate.

My father we believe, but he tells us the solicitor is 'dealing with everything.'

Who dealt with both their deaths at the time. Presumably when the first grandparent died there was an executor, that will be a delay if there are 2 estates to deal with.

They weren't married. My father's mother died effectively penniless in a care home, without a will. My father paid for the funeral. She hadn't worked for many, many years that we know of so the only money she would have had would have been a state pension. She may have had some jewelry in the house but they haven't cleared it (it's at the other end of the country).

She died about a week after his funeral. Property, money all in his name. Even 20+ years ago when we had meaningful contact with them, he controlled all the money and would give her 'housekeeping' in cash every week.

Have any of the beneficiaries seen the will and the terms and conditions of the executor. As beneficiaries your father and brother can ask for an update, what's happened with the 2 houses, have they been sold.

My brother hasn't - He's stayed out of things until now. He barely knew them, didn't particularly like them and doesn't really want their money. Our father presumably has, but whenever our mother asks him about the situation, it's always 'With the solicitor' or some other vague answer he'll typically give when he doesn't want to deal with something.

I don't believe the houses have been sold - they one they actually lived in was in a disgusting state by the time my father was actually able to get up to see them shortly before his mother went into care. They'd both clearly lost their faculties to varying degrees in addition to the illnesses that ended their lives and weren't looking after themselves, let alone the property.

It's a really sad situation, but by that point in their lives they had isolated themselves so thoroughly from anyone that nobody was aware. This is partly why we haven't been pushing things with our father up to this point, despite not having much of a relationship with them it must be very difficult for him and he's not one to talk about these things.

My brother and I are only looking at getting involved because our mother seems a bit stressed that something has gone wrong with all the time is taken, so we want to see if we can help.

Thanks for your reply :)

Oh dear OP, that does sound all quite toxic. I don't really blame your DF for wanting to avoid it, but all the more reason to let your DB take on some of the burden, the sooner it's sorted the better.

I hope your chat goes well.

Sorry to keep asking but it sounds like your grandfather died first, he had property and cash, Did he have a will that anyone has seen, his partner then died after him, did she inherit anything from him? She didn't leave a will so anything she had would be distributed from intestate rules. Is it your dads fathers estate you're worried about, how do you know who the executor and beneficiaries are, it would be good if your brother and his mum could see the will and confirm who the executor(s) are. Your brother, if he's a beneficiary, needs to try and get some answers, executors have a duty to act, it's all online what order it all needs doing in. It sounds very difficult, hope he gets somewhere. Does your brother know who the solicitor is.

I do appreciate your response but - as I've said in my first post and other replies to you - I have a thread in the legal forum for advice on that side of things.

I stated this separately for thoughts on what we should do (if anything) in terms of getting involved. We know he has a duty to act etc, but with neither beneficiary particularly caring about the money and the relationship history, it's tough to know how to approach things or whether to leave it be.

The only reason we've spoken about it at all is that we were concerned about the length of time it was taking and if anything untoward was happening - I've since found out that a year isn't unusual at all, which takes the pressure off. We'll still have a chat with him and see if he wants my brother to get involved more, but there's less urgency now.

Surely your father and brother won’t just accept that you aren’t in the will. Your father raised you from 18 months, how sad they didn’t accept you as a granddaughter.

If I was them I’d split it all three ways regardless of what the will said 🤷🏼‍♀️

It took us about six months to get probate for each of my in laws. We did it ourselves. I’ve heard it can take longer using a solicitor.

Just to say it took a year for a dozy solicitor to get probate when my DF died. Every piece of paper was in place, every i dotted etc but it still took a year.