To think my father doesn’t like me?

[ThatSnugSheep]

I apologise if this isn’t the right place to post this. I don’t have anyone to ask for a non biased view and I don’t really know what to do.

I am F19, and he is M65. He has been mentioning my appearance for years but that wasn’t that bad as he only did it when drunk. However, he now does it whenever he wants, particularly involving my weight. He got a girlfriend F37 and has since been getting worse, using me to make himself seem better than he is to her. He told her that he has told me that if I can’t say anything nice about them then I’m just to go away and never speak to him again, that I said cruel things about my grandmother and he yelled at me over the phone. I took a screenshot of my call log from the day it supposedly happened - 2 minutes in total that day, and none of what he said actually happened. When I asked him about it, he said it was just an excuse and didn’t specify further.

My issue with their relationship is whenever I go to visit him, he is constantly on facetime to her and doesn’t speak to me, and whenever we are out, if she calls he immediately drops whatever we are doing and leaves me to go talk to her. Sometimes I find their age gap a bit strange, as she isn’t that much older than my older sister, but I know they’re both adults but it still feels off. I don’t know what I expected, he left my older sister F29 when she was younger for another woman, then left that woman for my mother and proceeded to try leave me my entire childhood. I was unaware of him trying to leave up until a few months ago when he bragged about it.

Every time I bring up him being constantly on facetime he just shrugs me off, saying he hasn’t enjoyed his life in years and she makes his life better. I recently saw a message on his phone to her wondering when I was going to leave his house so he could talk to her, wanting me to go away but worded in a not very nice way, but I haven’t told him I know.

I don’t know if I should give up and just cut contact and see if he reaches out to me (he calls me himself maybe once a month) or keep trying?

There doesn't seem to be anything positive whatsoever in this relationship for you. If you only keep in contact in the hope that he will change, I'd say you were on a hiding to nothing. Time to accept who he is.

Back off. Match his energy. If he’s not interested in you right now, give him that space and get on with your life.

I think op, you are internalising his actions and behaviours or lack of actions. What you are maybe best doing is trying to step back and look at him as a person and the way he behaves and think whether or not this is someone who is worth your time and energy. His comments on your appearance and weight are abusive and unacceptable. He clearly has real problems with navigating healthy and loyal relationships and he's repeated the same behaviour over and over again. He's not going to change so the only thing you can do is act accordingly to prioritise yourself, your mental wellbeing and your happiness. I personally would be going very low contact and investing in decent therapy for myself and putting my own needs first going forwards. I'm sorry he's such a let down, you deserve better.

Darling: cut contact. Its not your fault, its nothing you did, but you can’t make this man a father. He doesn’t have it in him. And he probably never did.

When you are ready and curious Look at books like Lindsay Gibson’s “Adult Children of the Emotionally Immature “ and Trauma and the Adult Children of the Alcoholic.

I just don’t understand why he changed so fast on me. Then again he doesn’t have the best track history. Maybe I should’ve expected it. He’ll probably contact me at some point to housesit for him whenever he goes to see his girlfriend. I’ll have a look at those books at some point, thanks!

He didn’t “change so fast” he was always selfish and mean but you didn’t always realize it. He has always been an abusive alcoholic—they seem to create a kind if confusing force field for their family and friends. We want them to be the “good” version of themself—the jolly drunk or the kind but only momentarily sober version. But our behavior doesn’t influence them. They do what they want. Your father wants the younger gf. He may use you for house sitting or emotional support when she is not available but you are worth so much more!

I’m sorry you have gone through this. I’d drop him like a sack of potatoes. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t let him drag you down any longer. It’s a different situation but I no longer have a relationship with my mum. While it’s sad sometimes that she couldn’t have been the parent I needed, I can’t tell you the relief I feel. My life is so peaceful now without all the drama.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I agree with previous posters, from what you've written you are likely to be happier going no-contact. It would probably help you to get some therapy if you can, or do some reading about it, to help you understand why your dad is like this, how it has affected you and work out what (if anything) a future relationship with your father might be like...

This isn't about you OP. By which I mean that this is a man who loses interest in people. He tosses people away when he gets bored of them, his partners, his daughters.

There's nothing you could have done to change the fact that he's lost interest int you, because this is who he is. So don't beat yourself up over his failures as a human being, because they're his, not yours. It doesn't matter who you are, because he'd have tossed away every single other hypothetical daughter he could have had, just as he has his real ones.

I'd drop contact with him for the time being. Why invest energy into someone who isn't willing to do the same to you. My Dad was the same as yours in some ways. Everything else was more interesting to him than his children. My brother tried desperately to win his interest by taking up an interest in the things that interested my Dad. I on the other hand just lost interest in my Dad. 20 odd years later, he's gotten older and somewhat realised what he'd missed out on. We get on OK. We have a very surface level relationship, go for a pint every couple of weeks. He's not my Dad though, he's kind of a fair weather friend.

At the end of the day, family are just people. You wouldn't put up with a friend who never showed any interest in you, or ditched you whenever they got into a new relationship, or insulted you whenever they got drunk. Why put up with it from your own father. People don't get to be shitty to you just because they're your family member.

Thank you. I don’t want him to be alone but he doesn’t want my company so that’s that I suppose! I haven’t contacted him for a couple of days. Turns out the last time he rang me himself was last month. Every other time it has been me. I wonder how long it will take him to call this time.

I know I posted this a week ago, but a little update. He hasn’t contacted me since I last saw him, up until now. I got a message today demanding I return all gifts including my charm bracelet etc to him. No doubt he intends to sell them all. At least I know where I stand. Thanks everyone for all your replies.

☹️
Time to move on with your life without him xx

Cut off contact.

I'd also tell his GF why and what a shit he really is. But I'm petty like that

Promise me you'll never go back

If his GF leaves or if he needs a carer/money /housing he'll be back. Don't fall for it. He will not change

You owe him nothing.

Please remember my words when he comes crawling back. Look after yourself, if you need to get some counselling and look after yourself and your sister. I hope you have a happy life without him

I won’t ever go back. He just yelled at me over the phone and said that I did say cruel words about my granny when I confronted him again. I’ve blocked him now as he got quite mean. I’ve told him I’m not giving any gifts he has given me back.

Well done OP.

Its a horrible thing to realise your parent is an utter shitbag, but its better than living in denial.

Just try and remember that this is his failing, not yours.

Good for you! A gift is a gift. What a nasty piece of work he is. I can't imagine treating a daughter like that. Hope his gf leaves him too. He deserves to be alone